Which Was Better Plus One Year Anniversary (Almost)

So, in 2 more days, I will be reminded of the darkest time of my life. I haven't said much about this although I did elude to it in some threads in the past year. Have had some good support from @Xerobull, @FrontRunner and @Buck Turgidson - and now that the Fatso one is gone, I guess I can delve a little more into this.

Back in 2006, I got married and felt that I was with that one special person. The marriage was definitely rocky but when our son was born in early January 2009, it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Sadly, I changed jobs in June of 2010 and took a much higher paying job that was a disaster. The only time I got fired was at this place and I got canned in late January 2011. The marriage was always hanging on by a thread and losing my job was the straw the broke the camel's back. Ridiculous fights (verbal and physical) ensued and finally by July, I had enough. We got divorced and it went final in November 2011. But some of you knew that already.

My son grew up and we became very close; however, I knew deep down, he wanted me to go back to his mother and reunite the family. In March 2020, that is what I did - I (stupidly) got remarried but thanks to COVID, losing some income in teaching extra classes, and other things that just never improved from the first time, this 2nd marriage was doomed for failure. The biggest problem was that I tried to quit cold turkey on my anti-depressant, Citalopram. By October of 2021, I had weened myself off of it. However when 2022 came rolling around, I got super depressed over many things and found myself unable to sleep (some of you may remember me posting about that) and although I went to see a doctor to get back on Citalopram - the dosage was too much and I experienced severe side effects. The worst were 3 straight days of less than 2 hours of sleep and severe suicidal thoughts. On April 12, 2022, I wrote a suicide note for the wife and attempted suicide. I drove 30 minutes away from where I lived at the time and not being in my right mind (remember I hadn't slept in weeks), I stabbed myself about 8 times in the stomach. To this day, I still cannot believe that I did that as I felt I would never do something like that. However, you have to remember my mental state - I felt like a trapped animal and had no other alternative. When I realized I wasn't going to die (which was a good thing), I called for an ambulance (this was after contemplating driving my car off a cliff) and got admitted to Vanderbilt hospital. I stayed there for about a week - including 4 days at the psych ward. Yes, I have spent some time in a nuthouse - but it was something I needed.

I realized that my whole life was nothing more than me worrying about other people and not caring what happened to me. The doctors all told me that the marriage was the biggest stressor in my life and that I needed to end it. Of course, my wife did not take the news well - I originally wanted a separation and not another divorce. However, she gave me an ultimatum and said that if I did not come back to her, she wanted a divorce. So she left me with no option. It took about 3 months for the pain of leaving to get better but the worst part is the damage that was caused to my son who was 13 when all this happened. She didn't want to tell him the truth (that his dad had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide) but I don't really know what she told him other than that his dad didn't love her anymore. Needless to say, he refused to have anything to do with me. Meanwhile, after recovering from the side effects of the medicine - I was doing better and my sleep got back to the way it was (for the most part). I tried therapy for awhile but felt that they weren't telling me anything that my parents weren't already telling me. I kept trying with my son but it wasn't until last October that he finally broke down and visited me for the first time since everything went down. He only comes once a month but we do talk on the phone once a week.

Then last Thursday, he reached out to me and wanted to see The Super Mario Bros. movie with me. I, of course, accepted and it was a really good movie! We then got to talking about The Simpsons (he had been watching them for awhile) along with Family Guy and South Park (he had never watched them when I was with him but got into them over the past summer). So we watched some classic episodes of both along with Beavis and Butt-Head and for the first time (in a year), we are bonding and it feels so good! So, I thought I should ask Clutchfans which show was the best: The Simpsons, Family Guy, South Park, or Beavis and Butt-Head.

I cannot thank my parents enough for being there for me along with you guys and all my friends that I have made through bridge. Of course, my music has gotten me through this as well. If you are suffering from high-functioning depression (like me), please hit me up if you want to talk about it. You are NOT alone in the struggle with this disease but with the right medicine, therapy, support groups, hobbies, etc., you can still have a great life as I am living proof of it.

 

In getting to the poll, give me convincing arguments on why you voted what you voted. It will help me to choose as of right now, I am torn with all 4 choices.

 

Thanks dude - I am pretty open about everything and that has gotten me burned in the past when it was used against me (most notably by the Fat ahole) so I learned what to share and not to share. However, I do feel passionate about this as I think it is something that many people don't really understand. I was on 20 mg of Citalopram this past fall and got the worst teaching observation by this new boss and it caused me to relapse for a week. I eventually got bumped up to 30 mg of Citalopram and I have found that there is literally nothing that would cause me to break down and cry (something that happened to me a lot this past summer). Therapy, I think is good, it is just a matter of finding the right one. Living in a small town, there aren't a lot options other than going to Nashville and then even then, worrying if insurance is going to cover. This 2nd divorce drained me quite a bit on finances and forced me to move back in with my folks but they are getting in their 80s and I promised them that they would not go to a home on my watch.

But I agree that sharing helps with the healing process and it is always good to know that we are not alone!

 

The Simpsons have always been my favorite but I think they have long outstayed their welcome. They probably peaked around season 10 and everything since then has been disappointing for the most part. Beavis and Butt-Head, especially the new episodes, have been great - they are so STUPID that you can't help but laugh. South Park, I think, is the most out there but the few episodes (the Scientology one, Scott Tenorman Must Die, etc.) have had some really good laugh out loud moments. But I am beginning to agree with you on Family Guy as it seems to be the most consistent one of the four.

 

Sorry about your dad Sly - I was pretty bitter back in August and September and came to a point of giving up but several teaching colleagues of mine shared their personal experiences and like you, they regretted how things went with the “non-custodial” parent. They told me not to give up and that there would come a time where my son would realize that I still loved him and that the divorce was not his fault.

The thing that hurt the most was that he was really close to my mom and although he speaks to her, that closeness has been eroded. Part of it is him being a teenager and thinking it’s not cool to hang out with his grandparents but as time goes on, I am hoping that he will get out of that phase. As much as it hurts my parents that he is “cool” to them, they would rather see him interact with me and get close again. That is why I love my parents so much as that is true love right there.

 

Haha, you’re right. I thought about 2 separate threads but those shows are what is re-connecting me with my son. What was funny was that my son called me on Saturday night to tell me that his mother had snooped around and read his texts to me about FG, SP, etc. I figured I would get the hammer brought down on me but instead he came up with a plan to circumvent her interference and still talk to me. After talking to me about what he wanted to do in recommending future episodes, it left little doubt that he is truly my son, lol.

 

Haha, you’re right. I thought about 2 separate threads but those shows are what is re-connecting me with my son. What was funny was that my son called me on Saturday night to tell me that his mother had snooped around and read his texts to me about FG, SP, etc. I figured I would get the hammer brought down on me but instead he came up with a plan to circumvent her interference and still talk to me. After talking to me about what he wanted to do in recommending future episodes, it left little doubt that he is truly my son, lol.

 

Oh, I didn’t mean to do a double post - sorry about that.

It took some time for me to accept that I suffer from depression but once I accepted it, I do feel better. I still get some people who think that this is temporary or whatever but I am a big believer in brain chemistry and I have seen what life is like off the meds and that is a path I do NOT want to go down.

I want to thank you guys for sharing your own personal experiences- this is why I have been on this site for over 20 years. The camaraderie and close knit community can’t be beat and let’s face it- being a Rocket fan right now is enough to put anyone into a deep depression, lol. But hey Silas is gone and if we can get Wemby then just maybe things will be so much better.