Sorry... I don't mean y'all personally. I just wonder if you could explain some fellow members of your gender to me. OK. Say you're attracted to a girl (woman, whatever). You can't go that far with her immediately because she has some sort of issues she's still resolving, relationships she's trying to get out of, etc. She just wants you to take things slow... why can't you do that? Why can't you keep your hands to yourself when you talk to her? Why can't you be there as a friend? Is there no self-control? And, finally, what does it all mean?
The best advice I can give you is this: 1. Don't rush into anything. You are at a point in your life where things are going to change drastically and the last thing you need is an increase in drama. 2. Be very direct in all communications. If you are anything like me, and it sounds like you are, you aren't always straightforward with people. Time to let that go - at least for now. You need lots and lots of clarity in all things - relationships, legal issues, etc. This is no time for subterfuge or confusion. 3. Let others do the work. Again, you sound similar to me in that you tend to overdo everything and then expect others to meet you there and, when they don't, you're disappointed. Time to try something different because, and I can tell you this from experience, that doesn't work. You are in no position to work at relationships right now. You've done that and it didn't work, so now you have to let others come to you. I know that is a tough one. It's hard for me as well. When you are used to being the pursuer, it is tough to let things happen outside of your control. But, as scary as it may be, it is a much better place, ultimately, then the one you've been in up until now.
Probably not...but we'll try. While guys in general can be pushy for sex...I don't think this is such a common thing as to be so casually generalized. There are plenty of guys out there that are willing to take it slow for girls they are really interested in. Guys that are not interested in going slow and try to make a woman feel guilty or abnormal for wanting to move a relationship at a steady pace are probably only interested in the sex part of it, anyway. If you want more than that, reevaluate why you are even considering getting involved with him. If you are only interested in the sex part of it just like him, then start to question why you would ever want the physical part to move slow when that really is all there will be. In short...just put out already. Just kidding. 42
Excellent points are made by the fine gents above. Also, bear in mind that I can wait as long as you need me to.
damn Isabel you have some tough luck with men lately. I do not know why he has been so pushy, i do not think it is normal for a man to do so. Every time i wanted to be there for a girls i never tried anything she didn't want. Even when i was interested. Some men do have problems in taking it slow. Just try to be as clear as you can possibly be. For you the only thing you can do is be very clear what you expect from him. He should respect your feelings, and accept that you just want him as a friend(for now atleast). do not do anything you are not ready for. if that means he have to wait a long time so be it, if he really likes you he willl understand. Good luck.
Isabel, you've kind of repeatedly asked the same question and I think it's the wrong one. The question isn't what is it with guys -- it's what is it with the guys you keep choosing. Not all guys are out of a Porky's casting call. It might be easier for you to see it that way (and it seems plain that it is), but it isn't true. I think you'd have better luck finding the right guy for you if you were willing to be alone long enough for that to happen. Your last multi-page thread on this topic revolved around the question of whether or not some new guy would take your husband's place if you left him. And then you wound up offended that he didn't jump at signing that contract and decided -- based on some new, strange guy's resistance to promising to be your boyfriend -- to stay with a guy that has obviously made you unhappy. It was the wrong question to ask that guy and the wrong solution when he oh-so-sanely refused to answer it. If you're unhappy in your current situation (and you obviously are), leave. It has nothing whatever to do with what some new guy thinks or does. It has to do with you. You are unhappy, it's not going to change and you have to leave. And, p.s., until you do, every experience you have with another guy (happy or sad) is cheating. And, as such, you have little room to b**** about how it turns out. Leave. Your. Unhappy. Marriage. Then: Spend some time alone. Maybe a minute, maybe an hour, maybe a month, maybe ten years. If you'll stop looking for Mister Right, you might find him. You're almost certainly not going to find him while trying this weird marginal upgrade dance. "Men" are not all anything. Neither are women. We're people and we're all different. Our sex drives might not always match up, but that's a stupid thing to base a long term relationship on anyway. You need to learn to love yourself, baby. Or, at least, you need to spend some time getting to know yourself apart from your role in one relationship or another. I wouldn't say that so definitively if it wasn't so plain that you are doing that and it isn't working out for you. I wish you luck and I think you're blessed to have a support system here (if not elsewhere as well), but until you get out of your unhealthy marriage you've only yourself to blame for things not improving. I, like so many else here, am rooting for you.
Ding!Ding!Ding! We have a winner! Someone get this man a microphone.... Seriously, I couldn't have said this any better or more plainly, and I'm a therapist, fer cryin' out loud. You simply cannot expect someone to love and respect you when you don't love and respect yourself, and from what I've read from you, that seems to be the case. Stop blaming others and get things figured out FOR YOURSELF FIRST.
i actually completely agree with Batman Jones. it might be a good choise to be alone for some time. It is not good jumping from a bad relationship to the next relationship. It is mostly better to be alone for some time between that. How long differs per person. For me it was about 6 weeks. for some people it was 3 years. First try to figure everything out for yourself, then look at other men. IMHO
Well, Batman was right on, but I think that I will try to answer your question more directly. These guys that you are consistently having trouble with are treating you this way despite your protests because in their experience, they've had success with the strategy. It's possible that you are giving the signal that there is a possibilty that they can have success getting what they want from you. Like what was said before, if they continue to go after your body with no respect for what you are looking for, look elsewhere.
I find it interesting you don't (won't/can't) directly ask for advise but instead phrase these situations in form of a (well) crafted hypothetical. Its a bit late for the psychoanalytical, but I would venture to guess you are not communicating your feelings to the man question, your husband, or yourself; Seems like there is a lot of internal dialog apart from the real world. If you truly want this guy to be a friend to you, set that boundary with him and enforce it. Clean up your mairrage business and revisit a possible romance with the man in question when your house in order. Its entirely possible he will not want wait for you to get your shtuff straight; it certainly doesn't seem like he is interested in a long term romance (from your narratives) more than a friends with benefits situation (an attainable goal in his mind given your vulnerable state and longing for companionship coupled with a situation that would prevent engaging in another committed relationship at the moment). Healthy relationships are impossible without healthy, balance communication, which in/of itself is impossible without a healthy, balanced state of mind, which you do not seem to have at the moment.
Well... all I can do is relate a story. There was a girl that I was very attracted to for a long period of time. She said that she felt the same way, but wasn't ready to enter another relationship yet, as she had some pretty bad luck when it came to guys over the last few months. So I did exactly what Isabel suggested: I kept my distance, gave her support when she needed it, and was a friend to her. Over the course of the next three months, she worked through her personal issues and got to a point where she was ready to start dating guys again. Take a guess which speech I got. Something along the lines of, "I see you more as a friend or a brother now." As far as I can tell, I did everything within my power to help her get over her tumultuous relationship history, only to get a swift kick in the groin in the form of "let's just be friends." Doesn't sound like we guys can win either way.
She only wanted to be friends with you from the beginning, she was just being nice. You probably should have taken the original hint, unfortunately she was not more blunt. This is a different issue, since Isabel is interested in this guy. Unfortunately the guy is again not getting the hint and moving too fast.
Because women are confusing to men. Depending on what type of guy you choose, it's red light or green light. I get frustrated when women want something and say another when I'm not used to their quirks. Laying out boundaries is probably the best thing to do. Most guys will test your limits because they're living to their fullest, and they aren't mind readers. Keep that in mind with your present situation.
Not true, she's just admittedly fickle. Don't tell me what I should or should not have done if you don't know all the facts.
WHAT? NO JEFF wise advise yet? The world is coming to an end!!! Man, it's like FREE COMEDY... thanks... But seriously, it depends on how big the boobies or bootie are. ( Sorry, we're MEN ). The dude is EXTREMELY HORNY and hasn't gotten "any" lately, or just wants to test how soon you will give it up. If any of these is the case, this is not the guy "interested" in you for the long run. He wants a quickie. Don't give in! You're better than that. It also matters if the chemistry is there or not. If you trust him enough, tell him the way you said it in your opening post... go straight to the point.
More often than not, men think with their small heads rather than their large heads. When this occurs, all self control gets released like a wet goose fart in the wind. It's just nature. If he gets too randy, pull a gun on him. That ought to get his attention. If not, put him in your car, drive him to the nearest topless bar, drop him off, and hit the gas!
