MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect. PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while. PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers. ------------------ visit: The Psychedelic Groove House of Rockets Basketball Love! President, CEO & Charter Member of Rocketholics Anonymous Jiizz Coach Sloan, "OK guys, after we practice layups, I want everyone to pair up with a buddy and practice your flops"
I don't know whether to laugh or get a vasectomy? ------------------ Ceo of the Walt Williams and Lisa Malosky fan club. atheistalliance.org
Wow, this scares me. Most women my age are looking forward to kids and feeling comfortable with it... I'm not. My maternal instinct has not kicked in. They'll be great after several years, when they can be somewhat responsible for themselves and you can have an intelligent conversation with them. Until then... my cat takes a lot less work to take care of, and can be left alone for days. ...sigh... as a female, I'm supposed to be a natural mother. I'm supposed to be happy that biology has prepared me to be a human incubator, no matter what else I feel like. Scary stuff. My husband will make a better "mother" than I will... if either of us are ever able to be responsible enough. ------------------ Isabel,clutchcity.net lurker since 1996 All your base are belong to Heypartner.
I have two sons. While neither is an infant anymore (they are 12 and 7 right now), neither was anywhere near as bad as this list points out (and some I never had to deal with at all). But that's the point. It's a very exaggerated list, done that way for humor. Feedings are not that bad. You can turn the lights on to avoid the toys on the floor (if there at all. We always simply picked up the toys after putting our sons to sleep), the waking up in the middle of the night certainly didn't last 5 years (no more than six months for either of my sons), going to the grocery store was never hard (put them in the cart and they can't run off. Once they are too big to be in the cart, they are general old enough to stick close. At least that's been my experience), feeding was never a problem (it's messy when they are very young, but it was never hard to get them to eat), my kids never damaged any of my cars (and while I don't have a BMW, I had an Acura when my older son was a baby). It wasn't until they were older that they threw up in the car (and that cleaned out easily). I've spilled more things in my cars than my kids have. But again, the list wasn't meant to be accurate, it was meant to be funny. If I can be a parent, anyone can. I was most certainly ill-prepared to become a father (at age 17), but it didn't take long to get the hang of it for either my then-wife or myself. ------------------ Houston Sports Board Film Dallas.com
BwwaaaHaaaaaHaaaa!!!! That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! Thanks Isabel! Behad, father of three. ------------------ Behad Sergeant at Arms of the Clutch BBS
LOL! I'm 30 and I still don't have intelligent conversations. ------------------ Yugo grills, Yugo mills, Check out the oil my Yugo spills...
