"The Future of the NBA", by heypee

My futuristic parody of <a href="http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/story.hts/sports/bk/bkn/876713">Michael Murphy's article today.</a>

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(AP) New York City--April 12, 2004.

League owners have given new meaning to the phrase "white men can't jump" as far as the NBA game is concerned.

Thursday, NBA owners approved four rules changes recommended by commissioner David Stern's Select Committee on Playing Rules, which had been reconvened to research ways of improving the flow of the game now that their previous zones rules from 2001 have completely backfired.

The changes, which will go into effect next season, are:
<ul>[*]A new Illegal Jumping rule, preventing the offense and defense from jumping unless a player is attempting a dunk.
[*]Elimination of the defensive three-second rule, presumably to allow slower defenses to compete with the leagues new high-octane ones
[*]Establishing a Ball Movement 3 Ptr, allowing any FG after 5 passes count 3 points.
[*]Establishing a requirement that all players 21yrs or under must shoot FTs from the granny position[/list]

A proposed fifth rule change, which makes everyone wear the tight shorts of the 70s, was removed after Stern received complaints from Nike.

The last time the NBA made such a significant rule change was in 2001, when it reinstituted zones, also in an effort to create ball movement and allow smart players a role in the league.

Stern and the owners have been concerned with falling attendance, plunging TV ratings and retiring superstars--like Shaquille O'Neill moving on to Hollywood; Vince Carter retiring to play in France where, "At least I can jump over their zones"; and Allen Iverson trying his hand at hockey, "If I'm going to get hit by professional zones, at least give me a stick." All these problems have been blamed on the defensive dynasty of Miami's Pat Riley that is holding opponents to an unprecedented 9.7 points per 4th quarter, supposedly leaving all teams no recourse but to copy it.

The most controversial change is the Illegal Defensive Jumping rule, which the committee hopes will allow low post scoring once again. Together will the elimination of the defensive 3 second rule, Stern hopes to equalize defenses, so 1970-style college star centers such as Dave Corzine, Mike Gminski, and Kent Benson could star like Bill Walton did.

"Dave Corzine??" Bill Walton said in his classic, outraged incredulous whine. "Did someone just give Stern a 1978 media guide from Depaul or something? How can he be mentioned in the same breath as me!"

It is a daring move, especially considering the NBA's history -- at least under Stern -- of preferring athleticism over set shots.

"This is going to a different place with the game," Stern said repeating his mantra of 2001 like President Bush repeating his tax cut plea in his re-election campaign. "Bold is not risk-free, but it's a way to assure the fans that we're trying to improve the game of basketball, trying to emphasize shooting, dribbling, and passing."

Depends on whom you ask.

"I told them not to tweak the game, didn't I?" said Indiana coach Isiah Thomas, referring to his comments in 2001. "I said the players need to be tweaked. But I did not mean to tweak them by eliminating their physical skill; this is insane."

Not worrying about being out of context, the Reverend Jesse Jackson chimes in with, "This is another example of franchises disenfranchising the African American by dissing our genetic disposition to superiority in low-post position. Sure I can't jump, but my brothren can. I didn't get to vote for this!"

In 2001, some found it odd the NBA refused to listen to Isiah and require an age limit on entry into the league, meaning more and more too-young players who can't play at the NBA level are being drafted because of their potential to win the All-Star game slam dunk contest, which owners love because of the new bobble-head doll mania. The owners apparently still want to draft high-flying dunkers to increase merchandise sales, but the league wants to humble them with the granny shot free throw rule, so they don't enter the league acting so cocky with their tatoos.

Many coaches -- especially those who have made significant changes to their teams to match Pat Riley's squad -- vigorously oppose the new rules, saying it further reduces the importance of the stars they've been drafting. Coaches like the Rockets' Rudy Tomjanovich, who for years has designed his offense to exploit NBA rules says, "Fans want to see the best athletes flying, not Ming Xao towering over people shooting two-handed set shots in the lane like George Mikan."

In a rare public appearance after losing Shaq to Hollywood, Phil Jackson said, "My triangle was so beautiful. My dynasty...they took my dynasty away. Get those thugs off of Shaq. Make Pat stop!! Make him Stop!! OOhhhhhh the Humanity!!" Apparently, Phil Jackson is still having problems coping with the previous rules change.

Pat Riley himself, whose revolutionary "4-big men and 1 guard" Trapestar zone, coined in direct parody of the Triangle offense of Jackson, is based around Alonzo Mourning, Antony Mason, Brian Grant, Eddie Jones and new free-agent acquisition Donnell Harvey with his 7'6" wingspan and Rodman-esque, pogo-stick jumping, is showing Stern's office how quickly brilliant coaches can exploit rule changes. Riley, whose squad furiously traps any star who tries to enter the lane (hence the name Trapestar), says, "What is wrong with dynasties? No body complained about the dynasty I built in the '80s. Besides, I'm not going to be the one to tell 'Zo he can't jump anymore. Stern's officials should have to do that."

"They can't force Princeton ball on 'Zo," Riley said, alluded to the recurring nightmares Mourning has about facing Princeton in the NCAA tournament.

Apparently Stern and his committee members think they can, which is why the commissioner bypassed the traditional Rules and Competition Committee, which shot down the proposed changes at this year's All-Star Game, and convened his own ad hoc group to address the situation.

"Our belief is that we are close to getting the evolution of basketball back on track. We slipped back a little by not envisioning Pat Riley could invent something so insiduous as the Trapestar defense," Jerry Colangelo said. "We feel these last few tweaks will address that. We are not trying to take jumping out of the game, the defensive player can still jump if the offensive player does. We are simply trying to create an environment where fundamental basketball can excell, such as two-handed shots, running floaters and hooks. The kind the business men in the luxury boxes played on the playground by modeling their game after George Mikan. The game they know is not being played in the NBA."

But opponents point out the dearth of high-flying jumpers who instinctively must stuff those who can't jump, saying that these players can't just expect to control their reflexes.

Scores might increase next season as offenses encounter demoralized players that are significantly handicapped over the current game, but these opponents to the rules expect massive amounts of whistles due to reflex jumping. Nike is reported to have a new shoe on the drawing board to help stop reflex jumping, called the Air Not, featuring a quick-release knot that restricts upward movement and can be set on defense, then released for offense.

The sense among proponents is coaches simply will fine-tune their coaching to place more emphasis on smart ball movement, and less on defense.

Stern and his committee members are attempting to change the way the game is played, but they also are trying to change the way teams draft and build teams. What they want is more skilled midrange shooters and players who understand how to move without the ball -- basketball players, rather than athletes who play basketball.

Toeing the line as he did in 2001, Scott Skiles continues to defend the commissioner and his boss, Jerry Colangelo, by saying this will work in the long term. "The long-term goal is to put more basketball players on the court, meaning people who can pass, dribble and shoot," said Phoenix coach Scott Skiles, repeating that exact same prepared statement Stern gave him last time. "We're the most watched basketball league in the world, so hopefully, it will filter down. Maybe kids will learn that they don't just have to be able to dunk. Maybe they'll learn some of the moves their high school coach has been trying to teach them that they wouldn't do."

Michael Jordan was reported to be so disgusted in the new rulings, he challenged Scott Skiles to one-on-one on national TV where Skiles could do whatever he wanted, but Jordan would abide by the new rules and not jump on defense and only dunk or shoot granny shots on offense; he later added playing with one hand tied behind his back. Upon hearing that quote, Charles Barkley gaffawed 10 pounds of french fries and beer off his waist-line. "If I were Scott Skiles, I'd take that bet, but add the other silly rule about making Michael wear those cute Stockton short-shorts."

[This message has been edited by heypartner (edited April 14, 2001).]

 

hey,,,,none of this off-the-cuff crap. If you want to describe your vision of "The Future of the NBA", write your own article.




ooooHHH the Humanity!!!

[This message has been edited by heypartner (edited April 13, 2001).]

 

fresh quotes added from Vince Carter, Allen Iverson, Bill Walton, Isiah Thomas, and Jesse Jackson

with a slight dig at George Bush.

I love parody!!