Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian. Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by girl who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots. Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. The Dutch War- Tied. War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. War of the Spanish Succession – Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since. American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. For example, in Spain, Napoleon had a force of 320,000 troops to Wellington’s 40,000 with 25,000 Portuguese troops attached (not counting about 50,000 in Spanish guerrilla bands acting independently), Napoleon lost 240,000 men, more than in Russia. The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Fu. Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ I await any historical corrections.
LOL! That's hilarious! Thanks for the article man, I had a good laugh I think the only country whose modern history rivals that of France in warfare is Italy. France and Italy haven't had much success, and that's why it's usually good not to have either one on your side. Anyways, as anyone will tell you, only the English and the Germans are the real warriors in Europe. The French are lovers, not fighters.
Yes, Giddy, course there are corrections that need to be made. My list is only a partial correction. I've seen this before and have seen others make a much better correction than I could. Gaellic wars - loss. Like everyone else they were unable to defeat the Roman empire. What losers. Hundred Years Wars - won Italian wars - lost parts of the country but didn't lose as a whole. Wars of Religion - I'm not sure how the author gets the record of this. Again this one is also primarily French against French. The govt. won this one so it is technically a win for the French Thirty Years wars - won. They even ended up with additional territories as a result. American Revolution - won. It wasn't their fight but the U.S. wouldn't have been able to emerge without aid from the French Navy and supplies. The French and Indian wars - The French army was so good, that when American colonists were getting help from the Indian population the Indians told them to fight like French men, because their Army was so superior to that of the English. Napoleon - One of the great conquerors in all of history. They won at first, and eventually lost. WWI - Won WWII - lost, but it could be called a tie, since a portion of France was occupied, and another portion of France remained free. War in Indochina - They lost, just like the Americans did. What weaklings. War on terrorism - Flew the second most combat air missions in Afghanistan. Others can make a more comprehensive list of corrections if they want. Though, obviously the intent here was humor, and not historical accuracy.
Umm...Am I missing something here, or isn't this supposde to be a little political humor? Lighten up people!
I await any historical corrections. ______ "Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. " __________ American troops did not have widespread access to condoms during WWI ~ the bloodline was saved because French women were particularly stinky and hairy during this period of time.
I'm tempted to run for President on one issue. When I'm elected my first act will be to start a war with France. I predict I would win in a landslide.
A couple of additions. #1. Charlemagne did pretty well for himself. #2. If it weren't for Frenchman Charles Martel (translates Charles the Hammer), Europe may have become the western half of the Islamic Caliphate in the 8th century. #3. The entirity of the modern English language results basically from the Saxons becoming the b**** of a bunch of Frenchmen (Normans) whom they couldn't kick out of their country. A good deal of the French countryside is French only because it was then lost by the resultant intermixed Norman/Saxon English kings to French people who kicked their @ss and took their land. Repeatedly. Until the 20th century, the French have a pretty damn good military history, and their armies were generally accepted as among the best in the world for their times.
It would appear that the expression "Make Love Not War" is French in origin. Is hippie a French word?
