The Cult of Moochie?

Investigation Links Bizzare Behaviour To Basketball Player

by Sue Donhem, Houston Sun


After months of exhaustive investigation, agents for several government agencies have finally issued a statement linking Houston Rockets basketball player 'Moochie' Norris with several seemingly unconnected incidents of erratic and sometimes dangerous behaviour by individuals throughout the United States. The Houston Sun learned yesterday that several concurrent and ongoing investigations, by the F.B.I., Dept. of Justice, Humane Society, and other branches of government were merged into one back in May of 2003, under the supervision of Special Agent Irvin M. Natfareil. It was Natfareil who first made the connection between the seemingly inexplicable events thoughout the country and the member of the Houston Rockets basketball team.

" Initially the reports were filed under unknown by the various branches which were dealing with these 'outbursts', as I like to call them,' said I. M. Natfareil ' And that is in part the reason for the prolonged nature of this investigation. Obviously the weird factor played a role as well."

The first recorded 'outburst' which came to the attention of officals occurred in Des Moines, Iowa, in November of 2002. A young man we will call 'Greg' had been in the employ of a MacDonald's fast food restaurant for a little over a week when, to the amazement of his supervisors, he demanded a significant increase in pay.

" He had been an ok fries guy', Greg's supervisor admitted in confidence.' But when he asked that we give him a raise, after only a week's work, obviously we didn't think he was for real, especially when he asked for 340 bucks an hour."

When his bosses refused his request for the substantial increase in pay, 'Greg' began to talk in a confused manner, and quickly became so highly agitated that the police were called in to restrain him. At the time he kept muttering what authorities believed were the words " She" and " Moo." which was taken to signal some sort of protest against bovine treatment by the fast food industry. 'Greg' was kept under observation for several weeks, with little improvement, and the issue was forgotten in Des Moines, except by P.E.T.A, who issued flyers calling Greg a "Martyr for the rights of animals."

A few weeks later, at O'Hare airport in Chicago, Illinois a seemingly stable middle aged commercial pilot for WesternAir also had an 'outburst', but this one could have been much more serious. After fueling and performing standard maintenance checks for the 747 flight to Newark, N.J., WesternAir groundscrew were amazed to see the jumbo jet begin to taxi towards a major runway, before taking on any passengers or crew, and a full 90 minutes ahead of it's scheduled departure time. The flight tower attempted to communicate with the pilot but recieved no response, and under considerable strain managed to re-route the shcduled flights out of the path of the seemingly hijacked flight. Air Traffic control was alerted and all nearby flights were redirected to other airports, and the authorities were alerted of a suspected hijacking. The 747, meanwhile, had taken off, but was not leaving the immediate vicinity, instead flying around in circles directly overhead of the airport. Meanwhile the tower had managed to reach the pilot of the jet, known here as ' Jeff', but were unable to understand his communication, which was a repeated counting down from the number 24 to zero. When fighter jets were about to be scrambled to intercept the flight, 'Jeff' apparently grew tired of his aimless circling, and brought the jet down safely. Upon apprehension, the pilot would only repeat the countdown, and occasionally mutter the words ' Moo.' and ' She.'


Three days later, when officials had as yet not made any connection between 'Greg' and 'Jeff', a New York City Lawyer had what was thought to be a nervous breakdown in court when, in the midst of defending his client on an indecent exposure charge, suddenly rushed the bench, seized the startled judge's gavel, and ran out of the courtroom. Bailiffs began a half-hearted pursuit, unsire of what exactly had transpired, but this troubled attorney, known here as " George' began charging into neighboring courtrooms and snatching the gavels, and running out.

One eyewitness described the events; " It was crazy, man. He just ran in, grabbed the ( gavel) and ran out, and he already had, like, 5 or 6 of them, which was making it hard for him to run. But he wouldn't ket anyone get near him, and he wouldn't give back those things. Finally the cops ( bailiffs, actually) tackled him, but not before the courts involved had been unable to proceed for over 40 minutes. " Nobody could do anything...he held up everyone, the entire court. We all just stood there watching him run around..."

Meanwhile other events had begun to spring up all across the United States; a geography teacher in Wisconsin began hurling his globe out the window immediately following every class bell, until school authorities took notice when one female student was hit with the falling spehre. " I had heard that this was happening...always, for like, three days in a row, Mr. ******* would chuck the globe out the window...always just after the bell went off. So some of us went to go, you know, see. But I didn't expect to be hit in the head. It was embarrasing."

Further of these types of deranged behaviour were being reported from various locations, with seemingly unconnected individuals, when authorites got their first break. A mother of a Jewish youth in Carmel, California had reported her son's bizarre activity to her rabbi ( He was apparently insisting on giving himself midl electronic shocks while simultaneously applying hairspray, with a result that his mother later described as ' Something between a bouffant and a mushroom.', and spending the rest of his days at his computer.) the rabbi suggested the mother check her son's computer to see if he had been partaking in any other abnormal online behaviour, and the result was the link in the chain authorities had been waiting for. The boy, known as ' Dean' had spent most of his time on a website for an obscure religious sect who believed that they received spiritual inspiration by watching the athletic efforts of the Houston Rockets reserve guard, Moochie Norris.

After that breakthrough the case was coordinated under the special agent who had made the connection between 'Dean''s behaviour and that of ' Jeff', 'George',and 'Greg', among others, and it was determined that the words muttered were not she and moo, but in fact " Moochie". I. M. Natfareil has said that, as yet, the full nature of this cult was unknown, but an observence of taped Houston Rockets games seemed to shed somne light on the issue, in conjuction with the testimony of a few of the less indoctrinated memebers of the cult to come forth.

" Apparently the ( members) were mesmerized by Mr. Norris' propensity to repeatedly dribble the ball...apparently seeing enough of this without interruption placed these people in a sort of trance like state. People who saw them watching said that, during thse broadcasts, the worshipers would just stand completely still, and watch Mr. Norris bounce the ball up and down."

It was unknown at press time whether Mr. Norris is thought to have played any conscious role in the formulation of this cult, but investigators refused to rule out the possiblity, citing " otherwise inexplicable behaviour on the basketball court." and pointed out that the behaviour exhibited by the cult members seemed to have been witnessed, to a lesser degree, by Mr. Norris' teammates and coaches. Another possibly vital piece of the puzzle is that, on each and every occassion when Moochie Norris passed the ball voluntarily to an open teammate during the past season, all the members of this cult called in sick at their various jobs for the following week.

" It's true,' said Natfareil;. 'All four times last year, each and every one of his followers..or that is, the members of this cult seemed to be stunned into semi-consciouness, according to friends and family. The good news is that we now know the connection and the cause. The bad news is that there may still be more cult members out there."


*copyright property of the Houston Sun, September 24th, 2003.*

 

Mea Culpa, although I am laid up right now, hence extra time.

 

I don't think it would serve any other usefull purpose... Just for fun...although it also accounts for about 20 minutes of my life I'll never have back...

 

LOL! There are at least 7 clues which show pretty clearly that it's not real, in addition to the ridiculous nature of ths story...I]if you missed them look at things like names, organizations, etc. Also there's an admitedly vague reference to T_J. And come on, even P.E.T.A. isn't that desperate...are they? [/I]



(It's just good fun, a means of 'taking it easy', 'relaxing', and 'not taking it all too seriously' as my good friend SJC advised. Strangely he didn't seem to like this, either. Oh well...

 

Sue Donhem exists? Wow.


It was just a play on psuedonym.

 

Yeah...that's what 20 minutes of MacBeth trying to lighten up and get back some of his apprently AWOL sense of humour (on advice from BBS buds) adds up to, although there was no forethought...but I was chuckling to myself for much of the time i was writing it, and even more when people seemed to take it seriously...never expected that...


...anyone figure out the T_J reference yet?