Texans' Season Marred by On-the-Field Distractions

a little laugh for you guys stuck in a terrible season (that i know too well this year being a packers fan)


The Houston Texans, mired in a terrible 1-8 season, have suffered a series of unfortunate on-the-field incidents that have the team being smeared in the media and even their most loyal fans turning against them.

“David Carr is simply atrocious,” said head coach Dom Capers of his starting quarterback. “He’s setting a horrible example on the field. Off the field, he’s a saint, but damn it if he isn’t besmirching the squeaky-clean image of Texans’ football with his egregious play every Sunday. All I’m trying to do is field the best team possible, but we keep having all these interceptions, fumbles, and penalties. It’s the on-the-field distractions that are simply killing this team.”


On-the-field distractions like this fumble have plagued the Texans all season

“I can understand if you go out and get drunk with a few whores on the weekend, maybe smoke a little crack,” said Houston resident Don Lanscomb. “But when you’re blatantly missing tackles on the football field, now you’re getting personal. What am I supposed to tell my kid when he asks why David Carr can’t complete a ****ing pass? Huh? You tell me.”

Carr, who is sputtering along with an average of just 140 passing yards per game and eight touchdowns in nine games, denied responsibility for the disgusting display put on by the Texans in weeks one through 10.

“What I do on the field is my business, not anyone else’s. How would you like it if I came to where you work and starting yelling at you? Huh?” asked Carr. “Hey, Mrs. Van Kamp – way to type like 10 words per minute, you stupid w****! Hey Hank – you sell insurance like a ****ing girl! **** you, Mr. Jobe – you couldn’t teach your way out of a paper bag! If you come up to me at the bar and tell me to stop drunkenly hitting on your girlfriend, that’s fine. But don’t tell me what I can and can’t do on the football field.”


In one particularly embarrassing on-the-field episode, Houston was annihilated by the Seahawks in front of a national television audience. The Seahawks’ Shaun Alexander racked up 141 yards and four touchdowns, which had mothers everywhere covering the eyes and ears of their young children.

“Yeah, we had the game on TV that night,” said Galveston resident Mary St. Clair, mother of a boy (Jason, 7) and two girls (Holly, 5 and Dakota, 9). “Is this what I’m supposed to be teaching my kids? That it’s okay to let someone run all over you for four touchdowns? It’s fine to let an opponent beat you into submission? By halftime, I had to change the channel to Desperate Housewives just to cleanse my kids’ moral palate, so to speak. When Holly asked me why Gabrielle kept taking her clothes off and seducing John, I knew she hadn’t been affected that much by the hideous things she saw during the football game. Bless her little heart.”

St. Clair went on to say that Jason is no longer striving to be an NFL quarterback like David Carr, but now wants to be a sexy, hot gardener so he, too, can “make whoopee” with seductive women.


In an age when off-the-field drama like the Minnesota Vikings’ alleged Sex Cruise and the life and times of Terrell Owens are hogging the limelight, oddly, the Texans’ squeaky-clean name is being dragged through the mud.

“God knows we could use a domestic assault or two,” said Capers. “I mean, just to take the focus off of the ****ty product we’re putting on the field each week. I wish to God Andre Johnson would start spouting off to the media that he’s underpaid and disrespected. Then I’d have a way to get my mind off our horrendous football team.”

Among the atrocities committed by members of the Texans this season include a team defense that is allowing over 27 points and 370 total yards per game and an offensive line that has allowed Carr to be sacked 46 times.


“Carr’s quarterback rating is morally reprehensible,” said another fan outside of Houston’s Reliant Stadium after a week seven loss to the Colts. “What kind of society do we live in when it’s okay to go out on a football field and play like a ******* third grader? Where’s the integrity? Christ, the run-blocking alone is enough to make me want to vomit.”

Unlike the Vikings or Eagles, who have had their teams ripped apart by injury and ignominious actions by its players off the football field, the Texans’ just plain stink.

“I’d take a blown out ACL, a steroid suspension, domestic abuse, anything,” said Capers. “Right now, we have only ourselves to blame, and that just sucks. We have no excuses. We can’t sit back and blame our ruined season on our stupid players who are more interested in having sex and smoking weed than playing ball. That’s the worst part about it. Our players aren’t stupid and they don’t have sex or smoke weed. They just suck at football. It’s enough to drive a man to drinking. Not to mention driving.”


http://www.sportsgoons.com/volume3/Vol3_Iss34/Texans_season_marred.htm