I have a colleague at work who is single while I am married. She has often talked about how she wants to be married, and her boyfriend of 11 years won't ask her to marry him. When talking about our respective weekends or lives, I try and be careful not to throw it in her face all the fun I have with my wife, or talk about hassels I don't have to deal with in regards to dating. I do talk about the stuff my wife and I did over a weekend, or plans we have regarding travel etc. I just don't get into detail. The only problem is that I feel slightly like I can't communicate normally with her, and I have to monitor myself a little bit with what I say. She is a good friend at work, and the one person at work that I actually enjoy doing out of work activities with. So I don't want to be a jerk. I just hate having to feel like I'm monitoring my conversations all the time. Anybody else ever had anything similar?
you seem like a good friend I am not married so I don't know how I would feel, but probably would react the same way you are...
I suppose there is a similar phenomenon with women who want to have kids but can't, and the only thing going on in your own life is the toddler and the pregnancy. I'm just not sensitive enough to curb my conversation. Eleven years without a proposal is a damn long time. She probably should have dumped him 5-10 years ago.
Yeah I didn't want to get too much into her details, but she has several times before, and he always comes back saying the should discuss marriage, and then after they are more secure says he doesn't ever plan on getting marriage. She's in a tough spot because they have a good time together, and he is who she enjoys being with. He just doesn't want marriage to be a part of her life. That's only part of the details, but I am sure you get the idea. I bet you're right about women who want to have kids who are friends with folks that have children or are pregnant. It probably is similar.
Not to sound callous, but really, she deserves what she gets. If she wants to get married, why is she dating a guy (for 11 years) who clearly doesn't? It's not about what he says, it's about what he does. Maybe if she were stronger, she could move on and find someone who shares her ideals. In the meantime, she's not getting any younger and it's going to be harder and harder to find someone. Sorry to go off like that, but my girlfriend has a friend who is JUST LIKE this. We get tired of hearing her sob stories. It's her choice to date this guy. No one is forcing her to stay with him.
FB, you just have to talk about your life as it goes. I've found that marraige, sadly, can have a dampening affect on friendships because of the "couples" vs "singles" dynamic. You swear being married won't change your friendships, like those you observed during your single years with other friends becoming "couples," (or at least I swore nothing would change) but change occurs anyway. If kids enter the picture, that gradual change can become a huge one. No, it doesn't have to be that way, and it isn't with some friends of mine, but the fact remains that lives aren't static. I'd say whatever the hell you want to say. It's the honest thing, and I'd want a friend to treat me with honesty. Like JV mentioned, there are some sensitive situations where you don't want to be an insensitive fool, but to me, this doesn't sound like it falls under that. (or else I need more coffee!)
lol! No it wouldn't. If it was I would've e-mailed you. It is odd that there are more folks out there in similar situations.
I don't want to speak for her, but I have said some similar things. But it comes down to priorities I think. Is the act of marriage more important than spending time with someone who you really care about?
LOL! Try real hard not to throw you're married kudos! I apologize, but that is too funny. I'm sure she'd love to have your life.
I agree with Fatty. Other than for tax benefits, what is the benefit of being married rather than just living together?
I'm not sure I understand. I'm married as well, and there are MANY times I am glad that I am no longer dealing with the dating game...but that's more to do with the initial Meeting Someone phase than the phase after you've been with one person for a long time. I mean, after a while, unless you are purposefully refraining from making "that next step" a longterm g/f or b/f really becomes much like any other marriage. If she really likes being with this guy, then they should have just as much fun or more than a married guy who enjoys being with his wife every weekend. You shouldn't have to monitor your conversation unless she is really insecure and can't stand to hear someone say the word "wife" or "marriage" just because her boyfriend won't propose to her. If I was you, I don't think I would change a thing about the way I treated your friend or the parts of your life that you speak of.
Well for me it is a different level of commitment, partnership, being part of a team, etc. I dated for a lot and for a long time, but there came a time when I was with someone who I wanted to be married to, and she was foolish enough to want to marry me. It might be different for different folks. Good for them, and good for you and Fatty. But for my friend and I, that is how we see it. What difference does it make it if different people have different ideas on marriage, as long as each is happy doing their own thing?
So that if you have kids, they aren't bastards? But really, marriage is a stronger committment than dating. It just is. If there was no difference between the two, then this guy would have agreed to get married a long time ago, for her sake if nothing else.
do she and her boyfriend live together? do they have a loving relationship? are they exclusive? If you got three yesses . . how is it not a marriage sounds like she wants to he 'title' and the 'ceremony' If they don't have 3 yesses . . .. he still dating other women so they not GF and BF and she should move on Rocket River
I think you should just be yourself. If she feels bad about this, it might motivate her to ditch him for something better. People need to get a dose of reality otherwise they will always live in their own fantasy cocoon.
LOL, he's ****ing other chicks then. She's his Old Faithful. When he can't get ass elsewhere, he calls her up. There is no other reason to be with someone for 11 freaking years and at least not live together. She's an idiot. I have a friend that is just like her. Exactly.
