I have decided that it is time to expose something very personal. I have been married/living with my wife for going on 21 years. The woman that I thought I knew has been having an affair with an older guy for 6 months that I know of. She even had a f'n 3-some with another girl and this guy. I suspected that something was going on, but could never get her to open up about her feelings. Communication is something that has gotten worse in recent years. I made a decision to make a desparate attempt and hacked her email password. I respect a persons privacy, but I didn't know what else to do. I found many exchanged messages, which included pictures and sex stories as well as the encounter involving the 3rd person. I just about had a heart attack on the spot. I confronted her and she broke down crying, of course. She said that she was unhappy and it started out as a drunken encounter at a local bar in Austin. We live in Houston. It was on a business trip. So anyway, they kept in touch and met periodically when both of their business trips would cross. They got to know each other and continued to exchange sexual stories and spoke of how much they looked forward to seeing each other again. This scumbag is also married, but lives in another state. His wife has no idea. He exposed that he also was having problems with his teen-aged son. I'm not going to get involved with his family, because I have my own problems. What goes around comes around. So the cat is out of the bag. My wife said she would break it off. 3 days later, she had her company email box open and walked away. She sent him a new email address to stay in contact. At this point, I was in nervous breakdown mode. We separated. Whether it could have been fixed or not, I told him that it was in his best interest to stay away. It took a few emails and he finally sent a message assuring that it was over. I did get a blood test and it came up clean, thank God. Unfortunately, we are also in a horrible financial situation. I found out that all of the recent vacations were charged and not paid off. We had split the bills years ago, and I took the big ones and she took the smaller ones. Well now the smaller ones are huge. Credit card debt is in upwards of 40k. Even without the debt, I couldn't afford the bills surrounding the house. I probably could have 3 years ago, but the energy related bills (including fuel) has made it beyond reach. The only way that I can recover from this is to sell the house and other things. We tried to live together for a short time to get the finances figured out, but it was too unbearable. I am holding in way too much anger. It has affected my work and I have even raised my voice at my 19 year-old son. My son means everything to me and so I decided to just resume separation with eventual divorce. On top of this, she had a girl vacation reserved with a few friends and went anyway. She said that she had been promising her friend for some time and had the place reserved. Can you believe this crap? A f'n vacation. It was probably just as well, because it isn't going to make any difference. At least we don't have to be around each other for 5 days. I have quit drinking alcohol, because I don't want to make it worse by taking a nose-dive in a bottle. This Tuesday will be 4 weeks since I stopped drinking. You might remember a recent thread I opened about having fun without drinking. I have dedicated the last 20 years to my family. I have always been the one at home with my son in good times and bad. I am not perfect, but am always willing to talk soberly. My son understands and respects my decision. He will be living with me in an apartment starting next month. If I didn't have him, I honestly don't know what I would do. He is going through some tough times as well and we are helping each other. I also created a recent thread on leasing a vehicle and MadMax was wonderful in helping me out. I've decided to sell my truck, apply enough to lower the payments (I do live very close to my job) on the lease (MadMax will get a refferal) and apply the rest to the debt. I'm a f'n train wreck right now. This bbs has offered great advice in the past. The main problem has always been that I don't always know when to offer solutions or just listen. I just care too damn much, if that makes any sense. I'm a protective person, but not in dangerous way. I tend to try and resolve things too fast, when I need to be more patient and let things go the course. I certainly didn't deserve this. Since I have not met anyone here face to face, I feel safe to open up about this. I haven't exactly been out meeting new friends and could have used one. My son is my best friend, but there are certain things you don't get into detail about. I don't want him to worry. I will be making myself available to meet new people as soon as some of this is stablized. I'm a good person and have been a great friend in the past when I had friends go though this type of thing. Well maybe not at this level. I know what my did was wrong in the worst way, but please don't resort to insults. We are who we are. I could easily make things very hard on her, but I'm choosing to move on. I haven't even told my immediate family the details of this. They love and care for her very much. It's just a very bad, bad thing. They know we're going to separate and am selling the house. Here's to starting over at 38.
Man that is rough. Sounds like you are handling it well though. Good job on the sobriety and the insistence on getting seperated. All I can really say is keep plugging away. You definitely sound like someone who can overcome this, and that's no small feat.
Man, sorry to hear that. On brightside I guess, is that your son is grown up and won't be affected as much as if he was still a child. He can actually understand the situation at his age. He'll go on to college, have a job, etc. I feel horrible when I hear these stories and it involves children. You took the right first step which is the hardest imo. Hard times, I know, but keep your head up. Keep on truckin'.
Wow, I can't image that. That's pretty messed up. But you're making the right choice. There's no way I could look at my gf/wife in the same light if something like that happened. 6 months...thats a lot of lies. Anyhow I'm not good at giving advice, since you're not drinking, I'll drink one for you tonite. Cheers. All the best.
I remember my parents going through something similar when I was in my mid 20's. It had a dramatic effect on all of us especially my youngest sister who was just getting into her teens. I stayed with my mom and helped her pay the bills my dad split to live with some women we never met. My mom was in bad shape and it took years for her to recover and move on. Not even a year later I moved out because my mom was driving me mad. She was drunk 4 days out of the week and I couldn't stand it anymore. Things like this take time and its good you have kept your cool and been civil to your wife. People tend to over look the kids at times in these situations. Your son still loves his mom and if you can keep things on good terms with your wife it will make things easier on him. Remember that things are never as bad as they seem and time can heal even the deepest of wounds.
when i hear stories such as these, it makes me even more weary of marriage, although i still plan on it. i have gone through a similiar situation with my parents also. they divorced after 25 years of marriage and the last 3 years were horrible as my mom continued to have relationships outside of the marriage. i was a senior in high school at the time and was greatly affected by it. the cliche is only time will mend you. my dad was devastated for a long time. but, a few years after the divorce, both my parents got remarried and seem happy again. one thing i'm glad you're not doing that my dad did was use us (the kids) against my mom. he kept telling us that my mom no longer loved us and basically trying to manipulate us into hating her. it never happened though. i could see why he did b/c he was desperate but it was quite a low blow. keeping your son out of the middle of it is a good idea.
Man swilkins. I remember you posting a while back that your marriage was in trouble, but from recent posts, it sounded like you had mended that. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You seem like a great guy and you deserve to come through this even better than you were before. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hang in there, support your son, and take care of yourself. I commend you for the drinking decision and I urge you to be aware when you might get close to smothering your boy... support each other but make sure he has freedom and space to live his life. I'm also in awe of your attitude towards your wife... I think you are on the right track by not giving in to your baser instincts and emotions... best to try and remain above it as much as possible. I know it's little comfort, but time dulls the pain. Good luck.
Keep your head up. his is one of those times in your life where Life throws everything at you. I'm sure everyone on this BBs has faith in you.
I have no regrets. My son was the best thing that ever happened to me. I came from a dysfunctional family. I moved out at an early age and never looked back. I have a great relationship with my parents for some time now. They had marrital problems. When I met my wife, I was 17 and lost. She had a previous marriage that was already over when I entered her life. We helped each other through some hard times. Sometimes things can't last forever. You just have give it your all and hope for the best. This marriage could have been over sooner, but I couldn't let go. I honestly believe that she never intended to hurt me. She could have ended it, without me knowing. Sometimes you feel something wrong. Marriage can be a wonderful thing. At a young age, you make decisions based on your gut. My gut told me that I was willing to spend the rest of my life with this woman. My gut was wrong and for that, it's not allowed any alcohol. I use sarcasm as an escape, if anyone hasn't noticed already. You can go back as far as you want and you'll see the same guy.
My heart is with you, man. You appear to not be vengeful sort, but if you are expected to pay the bills for the vacation, you need to wait until she arrives at her destination and checks into her hotel - then you cancel all the credit cards. After running up the cards and betraying you this way, you kill two birds with one stone. One, she deserves to be hung out to dry. Two, and more importantly, you are not contributing anymore to your debt. Also, you need to communicate with the other man's family. He does not deserve to get away with it after helping to swing the wrecking ball into your life. You seem like a turn the other cheek kind of guy which I truly do respect. However, it is well within your rights to do the above - might even bring a bit of closure for you.
Hang in there man...get yourself as far away from her as you can and keep yours on close..that bond you guys have will be much stronger than anything else.
I won't get anything out of exposing this to his family. I won't say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind. The fact is, my wife made the decision. He's means nothing more to me than a cheating loser with an erection. He would be wise to stay away though. I'm certainly no push-over. I just don't want to do anything that gets my butt locked up. I am confident that I can move on, without revenge.
All I can say is the pain will eventually go away. Don't lose sight of what's important to you. My prayer's are with you.
Goodluck sir, At 24, I've had my share of heartache, but I cannot imagine what going through that must feel like. Best wishes.
We're here for you man. Good job on not hitting the bottle. Often times when troubles arise we find ways to cope. Whether that be in my case of eating or for others drinking. When the urge to use compensatory behaviors such as these arise, remind yourself that putting stuff in your body will not cure your woes in the long run. It does provide momentary pleasure but it hurts you more later on. When my troubles got the worst of me, I started excercising more. So maybe you can turn your troubles, into a strong point. Not sure what good can come out of a situation like this family wise, but you can use it as motivation to get stronger physically and mentally. Keep your head up.
swilkins, I don't know if anyone has recommended it yet or if you have done so but get a good lawyer ASAP. Get a good lawyer, get copies of all your financial statements including documentation of her irresponsibility with regards to bills. Documentation, documentation, documentation. Document things as they happen, collect solid records of past expenses, and do it now! You may not feel like dealing with all of this and it must be painful beyond imagination but you must get your paperwork in order. The fact that your wife decided to take a 'girl' vacation despite your dire financial stratis speaks volumes to me. You must protect yourself because she certainly does not have your best interests at heart. Divorce is a messy thing and when the poop hits the fan do not put anything past someone who has violated your trust on so many occasions and then lied to your face about it. Even after she promised she'd break off contact. She is acting in pure self-interest at this point. Document everything. If you don't feel like doing it for yourself, do it for your son. You must secure his future financially to the best of your ability. He and you deserve at least this much. Good luck. My prayers are with you. PS: Document everything. Start today.
I usually don't open these threads, because I feel weird leaving an empty sorry to someone that I don't know, but, man, I really am sorry. It's a bad situation to be in, but it sounds like you are handling it with grace. I hope you pull through and that your wife realizes what she lost.
