Son's Visitation Situation

I need some feedback on a situation I'm dealing with with my ex and my son.
First of all. My name is John and ex'es name is Betty. We live in East Texas. Any similarities to anyone else is purely coincidental.

A little background.

My ex and I divorced in 2001 when my son was 1 year old. I signed a waiver of citation, taking the ex'es word that she would tell me when the divorce hearing was, but I was not told, and the fine legal print stated that I was not required to be notified. Long story short, I got taken to the cleaners without having a say. As for the visitation, we agreed that I would see my son on Tuesday, and Thursday from afterschool until 7:30 and Sundays from 8 am to 7:30 pm. Every other Saturday, he would sleep over. During the summer, visitation would extend to the whole day on Tues/Thurs. We would share all holidays. This is what we were following from 2001 until Thanksgiving of this year.

Ex and I were discussing that we would alternate holidays based on odd/even years...odd years he would go with one parent, even, the other parent. Everything seemed ok until I brought up Christmas morning. She did not want to alternate Christmas mornings. I have only seen my son one year on Christmas mornings to open gifts together with my family. She never allowed it after the one year that I had him early and she got him later in the afternoon.
After a lengthy disagreement, she threw out standard visitation...which as it is written in our decree is 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend and Wednesdays from 6-8. Even after retracting the Christmas morning issue, she still wanted to follow standard visitation. My son and I were crushed, but what could we do? So here we are since Thanksgiving, and I have been reduced to an every other weekend Dad. I did not speak to her for a month. I eventually apologized to her sincerely since we need to have open communication for my son's sake.

Now, here is where the plot takes a serious twist. As I studied the court ordered decree, (that I had no part in) I noticed that where the holiday visitation is stated, her attorney wrote the decree in a manner that both even AND odd year holidays are awarded to me. What does that mean? I have my son for ALL holidays. After consulting 3 attorneys, my interpretation of this was confirmed. I have been awarded ALL holidays EVERY YEAR with my son.

Now, the question is, is that what is best for my son? I didn't think so. Doing what I thought what was best for my son, I call up the ex and pointed out what the decree calls for. She became irate, and told me that I knew what it was supposed to say, that I would have him from the start of vacation until the 26th, and she would take him after that for the rest of Christmas vacation, which is what she wanted as the standard. I have NEVER agreed with the standard, even to this day, but I told her that while the decree stated I can have him for the entire Christmas holiday, I felt my son's best interest would be served by sharing time with both families. I presented an alternate visitation schedule and my son loved the idea. Basically, without getting into exact times and sleepovers, I would have him Tuesdays and Thursdays, she would have him Mondays and Wednesdays, and we would alternate weekends. We would share Christmas Day and New Years day. It boiled down to 9 days with me and 8 days with her. My son loved the idea and I presented that to her so he could spend time with BOTH families.

Now before I get the argument that is hard on him with transportation and all that, we live less than 3 miles away from each other. Travel time is 10 minutes, 15 in heavy traffic.

So what do you think she said to visitation suggestion?

She said NO! She would rather not see him at all than follow that schedule.

Why? I have my theories, but I can not think of anything logical that would cause her to say no to that schedule. Regardless, we begin our Christmas together, and his mom calls everynight and speaks to my son.

Then, on the 25th, she asks to speak to me and tells me that she assumes she will be picking up our son on the 26th...to which I respond that we will follow the decree as it is written. Remember that she is the one that wanted to follow the Decree.

Jump to today...after my son speaks to her on the phone, he seems a little down, so I ask him to share his thoughts with me. He says he wants to go to his mom's place. Of course, she enticed him with talk of all his big gifts sitting there waiting for him, and his step brother sleeping over.

So what do I say to that? Of course, I tell him to go bathe (We were outside playing basketball) and I would call his mom. I asked her if she could come pick him up to sleep over with them and spend the day. Since she didn't agree to share the days, my family made plans literally for Sunday through January 3rd, so this was all the time I could afford for him to go. I'll be honest in that I didn't want to let him go...not to spite her, but because I know I won't have much time with him after these holidays are over, but I didn't let him see that.

He's over with her right now, but I had her sign a letter stating when and where I would pick him up, her place tomorrow at 9:00 p.m.

I tried to be as objective as possible in this and would appreciate any feedback or comments on this situation.

BTW, I am filing a motion to modify the decree and am working with a co-parenting counselor that specializes in counseling divorced parents to do what's best for the child.

So, what is you all's take on this situation?

 

I did ask my son. He told me "Dad, I just want to share" He loves the Tuesday/Thursday/Sunday schedule. We would see each other every other day. Her reason for "standard" is that is gives him "chunks" of time to do things. My thoughts are what he wants to do, and he has followed the Tu/Th/Su schedule for 7 of his 8 years...He has a schedule he is used to. She turned his whole schedule upside down.

 

Thanks for the kind words. I'm not trying to make myself out to be some sort of superdad. I just want my son to grow up happy and not be manipulated into doing things he might not want to do. I hate that he has to be aware of what is going on.

 

He is involved and needs to be aware of what involves him...not the bickering but at least his scheduling.

I never say anything negative about his mom to him, but we do talk about the visitation situation. I explained to him why we were not following the old visitation schedule, and when I discovered that he would be with me the whole vacation, I asked how he felt about it. I showed him the standard plan that his mom wanted and I showed him the plan that I wrote up. I didn't tell him who wrote which and asked him which one he wanted to follow. He chose the schedule I wrote. I also explained to him that me and his mother had to agree on it or we will have to follow the law of the decree.
When she did not agree to the schedule, I told my son that he would be with me for the two weeks and he siad that he didn't understand why she didn't want to share. I simply told him I didn't know, but that we both love him very much and he could call her whenever he wanted.

She really can't use him to hurt me anymore. She can't take him from me anymore than she already is. I am not angry with her, and when she lashes out at me, it means nothing. Not a sting, not a flinch. In this regard, all that matters to me is my son's happiness.

 

Yes, definitely let this serve as a heads up to all you fathers out there.

I have a lawyer, and we have made plans. I just don't want to reveal them until after the fact. She has been known to track down the things I write on the internet...my attorney and I discussed this...he used the term cyber stalker.

 

Max, it has nothing to do with my ex and everything to do with my son. I'm trying to do what is best for him.

 

Well, I'm supposed to pick him up at 9:00. I wonder how its going to go...