Hey yall...these are two different poems I've written. If yall can give me any constructive criticism regarding my writing, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks ==================== Sometimes it hurts to be me Emotionally disrupted; worn out mentally Tired of having to face what these eyes have to see Anytime I sleep, I fear what I dream Some people say that I'm a godsend in their lives How I'm such a good person and take the wrong out of their lives But its me who's being stabbed by their knives So blind to life I can't tell day from night Some people tell me they live by what I write Not realizing these words are strictly thoughts from my mind Not seeing that these words will mean nothing, in time Failing to see I don't write for their benefit, I write for mine It's funny how I already know how I'll die It won't be by the knife or gun; not even suicide I won't die from a disease that got worse over time It'll be these expectations that end up taking this life of mine But I guess this is just life; this is how it'll be But there are times I look into the night sky, and think: Sometimes it feels so great to be me ----------------------------------------------------- Time is wasting and here I sit Not a face to remember; only faces I forget My mind is embraced by lost souls and hopes Of my past and my present; my future on hold And motivation unfound because now I'm burnt out Of stories untold and feelings unwound The glare of my eyes penetrate the glare of his The hatred builds up and the rage flows within But he's helpless and hopeless against what I'm feeling My head is breaking and my emotions are reeling Can't put a hand on me; tell me who I am So it's up to me to search distant lands That remain my heart and soul, with no one around To build me up or tear me down To say to stay or just take off and run To know when I've started or when I'm done With this life that I have yet to grasp ahold of its story I can't see even the faintest sparkle representing its glory ------------------------------------------------------------
Your rhymes would make great lyrics...I was thinking ambient/acoustic hip hop but really it could flow with whatever your into. Something to think about. Good stuff.
that was pretty good. and it definitely does have a hip hop tempo to it. in the words of Doc Rocket: not bad...
I dunno...each of my writings have a meaning to me, but I just write on what I feel at the time...I have tons more that I just write just to let some tension out or whatever, and I realized that I liked it so much, I'd want to pursue a career in it... BTW, I appreciate all the responses...Thanks a lot!
Umm... just in case you needed yet another guy chiming in saying the same thing, both of them read like hip hop lyrics... good stuff.
Hey, thanx a lot for the compliments guys... I appreciate it...Writing is something I take very seriously
While I was reading them, I was reading them to a hip-hop beat, very captivating. Keep writing dude, you have great rhymes
Here's the stuff I've written in the past two weeks. Some of it for a friend's band, some of it to a girl, some of it to myself. D.E.D.S.E.T. Delve Erase Damnation Salvation Evolving Transcending Delve Those blue orbs windows of the soul piercing you so effortlessly demanding the sensation of control Thoughts seemingly empty to hide your hidden world A veil of secrecy so carefully constructed but oh so easily passed by one who will not be obstructed Merging with our empty faith so much beauty in your inner face Unlocking doors you never knew sheds light now that you can step through Spinning through a landscape bold full of fates obtenebrated, untold A pool of midnight greets your smile another devil to beguile Erase The voice is gone It’s time to move on The game is up the principle instigator nowhere to be found Such a brief time spent knowing you We had so much but no longer All things decay in time Emotions were not exempt You’re the bad poetry I was the winter of your discontent It’s a cleansing I seek the time to erase to rid the memories from this place Serenity will be found in emptiness. Damnation The whispers in my head quiet sounds of pleading the little deaths, mental wounds, jagged thoughts still bleeding Visions of your face all this incessant dreaming Tell me something I feel your haunting presence you’re such a ******* demon Forgiveness the forbidden concept fed by my conceit to so willingly join the other souls broken at your feet Never could I have predicted such a fate a regimen of sorrow lamentations come too late Hollow, scarred, devoid of hope The newest dream a hangman’s rope Salvation A new awareness devoid of pain a bright abyss to make me sane Like the phoenix from the flame I shed the tainted skin of shame. A shining path I will now follow no longer will this heart feel hollow No memories of oblivion to fear a slate wiped clean a conscience clear A vast horizon unlimited vision opportunities to gain new wisdom Twice born in shadow sheds new light my wicked grin my wings take flight Chains of pleasure Chains of pain Reborn again I choose this name Evolving (Sandy’s lyrics) I'm breaking free it seems Transcending Transforming Into someone I've always felt Tapping at the back of my skull Aching to be released I'm evolving Becoming the me you can't see I'm breaking out From the shadows No longer hidden You turn in fear I've broken free from this prison Free from your grasp I'm myself again No longer the demon you molded Transcending Renewed of faith purged of sin Elation for the myriad untold heights we can ascend The shell was cracked and now it’s broken by ideals so long unspoken The crucible of revealing myself triggered this reconstruction Set before this life a task to face the world without the mask No longer will deceit mar the bond Life without lies could be so profound so many deaf ears won’t hear the sound The masses like to build their walls paint their smiling faces to be seen by all Look past the walls and see the shell they slumber in their selfmade hell Take the hammer and smash it all false convictions speeding their fall Take knowledge of the price I’ve paid live life outside the masquerade Reflection Words can’t always decrypt my message. I try so hard but they struggle against me. So much energy spent breaking down barriers I only wish we could go further I am not alone in this I know you suffer from a similar malady Sometimes I think your eyes are a mirror Reflecting my unsaid wishes I see some of myself in you I wonder if you see some of yourself in me Some have told me that I have no heart A frigid azure gaze to ward off questions I have been so afraid to answer You’ve passed gates that no others can Your words crushed the cornerstone This brooding fortress will no longer contain me I’ve never felt more free than this So much held back over the years I tread so lightly over this unfamiliar ground Fearing to trample the budding realizations There’s so much left to confide A beginning must suffice for now Jumble I don’t know what to say Confusion loves to lead the way Nowhere close to helpless I see more than the pack so far above the mundane Delirium such a lovely game Experiences are priceless Memories fading glimpse only enhances the value Head full of hell Heart full of flame Eyes full of infinity Tongue whispers a name Expression is too often limited by vocabulary The teeming masses sound thunderous applause But no one seems to know the cause Jubilation comes in many forms So many rhymes behind the reasons Intoxicated with you, it’s witching season You are the board at which I toss my thoughts like dart Untitled as of yet I yield this time growing pains so many experiences lay dormant waiting on that day bitter pills often swallowed what doesn’t kill you must be good for you I guess I lived the lie they sought to teach I wasted years so now I preach Take your pain and break the bubble Take your lies and make them rubble Unrestrain your natural order A brave new world without borders Sense deception and pass it by It only hurts when you dwell on it Come closer now and tell your stories a world entranced by your glory We all have so much we could say but we’re oh so afraid Behead the jesters they hold you back unfiltered thought is a form of attack
Nice Heretic...good stuff... Here's some more of my stuff guys, in case you were interested: ---------------------------- I feel like I let her go; she drifted Took my heart with her; all the weight has shifted How gifted- like a queen and her king The whole world; meant everything to me Easy to relate, like we were close siblings But best friends at best; made life worth living The key to the treasure, she held all of my glory Felt all of my pain, and read all of my stories I've never been away but I got lost in her eyes The fact that she was like none; one of a kind She took my soul and enclosed it Cared and loved it; never abused it One year was worth a whole lifetime of happiness One day spent with her timeless To this day, I don't have many regrets, just one That everlasting day of May, to know it was done Now all I have are memories and one battered picture A couple of letters and some of her scriptures And to think, of what could have been The one perfect girl in my whole life it's a sin it had to end. ================================== Lost in a world that isn't all his own No way to find home, he's left all alone Nothing's good anymore, no matter what he's shown All hopes, ambitions and dreams are blown A new life awaits; a new image he sees With a gun by his side, he gets down on his knees One shot ends it, one bullet he needs No more tests to fail; no more people to please Reminiscing about days of the past Amazing how quickly it all goes by so fast From playing in the sandbox to needing money for gas From dreaming for tomorrow to praying today will last From taking baby steps to running every last mile All through life he's walked by with a smile No one ever had a clue, that wasn't his style And here he is now; wishing he'd known all the while Picks up the gun, takes a last look at his room What once was his sanctuary is now his temple of doom One last tear falls,knowing nineteen years are wasted One last thought before death: I wish I had made it =========================== Thanx again guys...I really appreciate yalls input.
Oh, Heretic...BTW, I love the pattern of your writings...it has a nice rhythm to it...Keep up the good work!
Hey shooter, do you ever listen to Stabbing Westward? I think you might like two albums of theirs. Whither, Burn, Blister, Peel Darkest Days
