by Lang Whitaker (for Tuesday, April 1, 2003 -- posted at 2:30 p.m.) Sorry. No April Fools Day tricks today. Not that clever, I guess. One thing to mention right off is that Mike Tyson is the co-host all week on Jimmy Kimmel Live, and he made the show watchable last night. He's so out of it, you can almost see the haze dancing in front of his eyes. When Kimmel asked Tyson how many tigers he used to have as pets, Tyson said he had "approximately about six." He'll be on all week. Check it out. Now, on to a historic day in The Links. We've been building up to the first (and probably last) SLAMonline.com NBA Wifeys Hot or Not contest. Pictures and links are coming in, and perhaps I'll set up some kind of bracket and voting system. But probably not. We will run the pictures at some point, though. In the meantime, the women are weighing in. After the one letter I ran yesterday, dozens more came rolling in. I was surprised, really. I'd say 99 percent of the usual emailers are male, so I figured that was our readership. The ladies say otherwise. I was planning on running a bunch of their letters, but then I starting thinking how boring that could become. So I thought we'd go through these letters and I'd make notes and rude comments behind their backs. Not about them, but about their letters. You'll see what I mean. All the letter will be in black, to make it easier to read. I'll be in italics. Let's go... Linkstigator Leesha writes... Well, I believe there are different ways to judge HOTness. First there is "on the street" HOT which is hands down Jim Jackson. You know he would be HOT even if he wasn't in the NBA. Mo Taylor told me that he calls Jim Jackson "Supermodel," by the way. Kind of the way guys judge the hottest wifey. But my personal fave is Derek Anderson. He is just absoulutely sexy every time I see him on TV. No comment. Also in the "just cool personality to go with his looks" category are Stevie Franchise (from Maryland), KG and for hometown flavor, Juan Dixon. I've never really thought about this, but Juan and Steve do look alike a little bit. I am not really into guys that I know are involved (some weird thing) called morals -- not making fun of you but those without but the "HOT and attached" guys are AI, Kobe and TMac. And finally in the "younger than me but still cute" category are Tyson Chandler (see the April EBONY -- Ebony did a feature on Tyson Chandler? They'll be doing features on guys in the D-League next year by this rate) and Amare Stoudemire. Okay I really don't like to say that people are NOT that hot so I will go with something I heard Joe Torry say. Basically he felt that pound-for-pound the ugliest guy in the NBA is Tyrone Hill so I will pick him for NOT. Of course after all is said and done I am partial to Hispanic baseball players. For a second there I thought she was talking about the Yankees' manager. After her last sentence I thought she was Mike Piazza. PS: I was just wondering if it was a typo. Did you mean you were right about Syracuse or did you only get 1 out of 4 right. No, I was smoking crack when I wrote that. I got one of four. Sorry to confuse you guys. Anyway I heard that Saul Smith was thinking of going to law school. Is he going to a school where Tubby Smith is going to be the Dean? Okay that is it. Bye. Bye. Thanks for the letter. Reader Audrey in Chicago writes... I was slightly taken aback by the Hot/Not NBA Wifey list that you are supposedly compiling, but as a female basketball fanatic I'm used to having to sift through all that "hot chick" garbage whenever I visit sports-related sites. I've heard this complaint before, and I don't get it. I don't think there's that much of it out there. Of course, if there was poll about voting for which man looks best in a Speedo on the front of CNNSI.com every time I logged on, I'd probably be pretty traumatized by that. But since SLAM is actually gonna give us ladies equal time, I'm gonna take advantage of that. Here's my HOT/NOT list of NBA ballers: HOT 1. Allen Iverson -- AI is the BEST baller in the league, hands down. Beyond that, he has the best hair, the best eyes and the best smile in the NBA. He is also the best dressed. I let it go up until here. Best dressed? If wearing Mitchell and Ness is the main requirement for being well dressed, I'm going to give you my fiancee's email address, and maybe you can convince her to let me wear throwbacks to her work parties. Also, he's more about staying true to himself than selling out to fit into the mainstream. AI is the ideal man. Sorry, I was just thinking about how great that would be to be allowed to wear throwbacks anywhere you wanted to go. Clubs, museums, classical music concerts, church, to play golf, anywhere. And they'd have to let you in because you're AI. 2. Desmond Mason -- He's got a good heart (he's very charitable), he's multi-talented (he's an artist with a basketball and with a paint brush), and he's HOT! What more could a girl ask for? How about an All-Star. Or a starter at least? 3. Moochie Norris -- Moochie! Moochie? I can't wait to hear this. Any guy that has the nerve to inbound the ball to himself off of the back of one of the defending champs (so what if it was only Brian Shaw) and then wave back at them girlishly is HOT in my book (see Shaq vs Yao: Part I). He's also got nice hair. 4. Derek Anderson -- I don't watch many Portland games, but he ALWAYS has a smile on his face. Anyone that can look that happy all the time is HOT. If I was making his dough, I'd be smiling all the time, too. Or maybe he's just sitting downwind of Sheed and Damon. 5. Jamal Crawford -- He's the hottest guy on my favorite team (no, Tyson Chandler is NOT hot). Did you see that guys? Consecutive letters from ladies where one loves Tyson and one hates him. So if one lady disses you, you can be just Tyson Chandler! Also, he's the only player on this list that I've actually met (actually, I've met him twice) and he was a genuinely nice guy. NOT 1. Jay Williams -- Yesterday linkstigator Journey said that she didn't like Kwame Brown because he was a whiner. Well, Kwame ain't got nothin' on Jay! I will stand by my beloved Chicago Bulls till the day I die, but this guy is just ridiculous! Any guy that refuses to take any responsibility for his own shortcomings -- Shortcomings? Is that what they call a Freudian slip? -- is NOT HOT in my opinion. At least now he's rotting on the bench where he belongs! 2. Kobe: I'll admit it, I'm just a hater. Typically I just make fun of his awful fro, but that doesn't quite work this year now does it? 3. Vince Carter: He has all the god-given talent and ability to be an amazing player -- but he has no heart. But his Mom is really nice, and she even does Raptors' TV broadcasts. Surely that counts for something, right? 4. Shaq -- I prefer guys with IQ's above 50. Seems like a good general rule. Everything that comes out of his mouth is pure nonsense. He just needs to suck it up and admit that Eddy Curry punked his ass! How many rings did Eddy punk him with? 5. Michael Jordan: A year ago he was on the top of my hot list. Now I just consider him an ODB. His next Nike ad should be Mike riding around in a limo, going around to pick up his welfare checks, recreating the original ODB's finest MTV moment. I'd actually pay for a pair of those Jordans. Much love from Chi-Town... And much love back at you. Thanks for writing in... Sherry writes... Okay, okay...so your guys got to pick their fave wifeys, so it's only fair_that da ladies get to share their picks of manz right? Aite then, here's my list of fynest ballaz (in no particular order)...Should I? No, I'll let it go... Tony Parker -- Okay, I don't know exactly how big this guy is but he's SMALL! Which makes him absolutely ADORABLE, like you just want to pinch his cheeks. No, I don't want to. Thanks. Girls go for the cute look, and Tony is definitely the cutest of them all. Tyson Chandler -- Very handsome boy to say the least. Smooth look, the kind of guy your mother would even call a pretty boy. Heh, she called Tyson a "pretty boy." Kobe -- Kobe's game is mad hot. His shots are just beautiful to watch. His determination and heart for the game are unmatchable. Oh, and that little tongue thing he does when he's on fire is way sexy. Better watch out -- Vanessa will come track you down. She looks like the kind of woman that does not play. Mr. Michael Jordan -- The guy's way beyond my age but he's still got it. He's dresses HELLA nice and for a 40 year old, he's got great looks. Yeah, but have you seen the way Ahmad dresses? So there ya go! A little of what goes on in a ladies mind while the men are watching the wives. Yeah, but the men get to hold the remote controls. Linkstigator Gia writes... So Lang, your girl Journey had a nice list going of Hot vs. Not, but I had to chime in with my two cents, from the ladies' point of view...You go girl... HOT 1. KG. I can't think of a damn thing that's NOT hot about this man. Hasn't made it out of the first round of the playoffs. I don't know about you, but if I was a woman that would be a definite turnoff. 2. AI. Because guys who go by initials are sexy. Dammit -- I should never have changed my name from "LW" to "Lang" when I went pro. No, really, he's tough, talented, full of heart, and he's got that thug style working. And I won't even embarrass myself by talking about his lips. Or embarrass me, thank you. So as long as we're not weighing his off-the-court drama into the equation, he's got to be at the top of the list. 3. CWebb. I'm feeling Journey on all her reasons here. You know Tyra's no fool. And neither is Chris. 4. Manu Ginobili. Whoa -- first foreigner to make the list. The NBA will probably send out a press release on this. I'm half Argentine and half Italian myself, so you know I've got to give him love from both sides. No comment. He's got that Latino passion and fire (I know you hear me on that, Lang -- Hey hey hey! Let's keep me out of this whole thing. We're only talking about the guys who make the millions), and he's clutch under pressure. That's a sexy combination. All my Italian (female) cousins are crazy for this man -- give him a little time to really show what he's made of, and American women will start to catch on. I'll predict it now: The NBA's relentless marketing machine will have Manu in People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive list of the hottest men in America within two years, three tops. I can see this one coming from a mile away. 5. Nash -- I know some chicks don't dig the hair and all that, but he seems like a really intellectual and charming guy off the court, and you can't underestimate that kind of appeal. That's funny, because I'm often referred to as being a really intellectual and charming guy off the court, too. Plus I love the way his game is so crafty and creative. Makes a girl think, is all I'm saying. NOT 1. Vince. I'm so sick of hearing about this dude. He's soft, he's selfish, and he hasn't produced a damn thing in the last two years, yet he still accepts the All-Star spot. Any man with a shred of grace or dignity would have thanked the fans for their support, promised to be back next year, but given up his spot to someone who had actually PLAYED this season. Unbelievable. You are so right. He definitely should have given his spot to Grant Hill. 2. Anthony Mason. There's a surprise. Much like Tyrone Hill, someone who looks like Mason should have a better attitude. Or maybe he should go back to getting slogans cut into his hair. That was one of the greatest things of all time. And one of these days I need to make a list of the greatest things of all time. 3. Shaq. A living legend, and funny as hell, and all that. But, um, just NO. Especially with the hair. 4. Pau Gasol. Bad teeth, bad skin, and bad facial hair, plus that body that looks like it belongs to a 15 year old boy. I like his game and all, but...Gia, I'm not gay or anything -- not that there's anything wrong with that -- but if I was making my list of the ugliest guys in the League, I think Kung Pau would be battling Tyrone Hill for that starting power forward slot. I'm just saying... 5. Richard Jefferson. Fun to watch, but this one's all about that voice. RJ sounds like a cartoon character, and that's just not sexy in any way. In which case Latrell Sprewell belongs on your list. I was watching a Knicks game one night with my fiancee and she commented on how Latrell looks so scary sometimes on the court. I told her that he was actually a really nice guy and I didn't find him scary at all. She couldn't believe that he wasn't at all scary to me, and I explained that he's scary right up until he opens his mouth and taks. Because Latrell Sprewell has the voice of a muppet. He and Mutombo should put together a Read to Acheive puppet show and take it on the road. And thanks for writing in, Gia. On we go... Our linkstigating "Honey from McGill" writes... Whazzup, Lang? I'm stunned by the fact that Journey thinks that Ben Wallace is HOT and Vinsanity NOT?...What da F*ck?I hope other girls will back me up on this one, VC is one of the finest playaz in the league and one of the most classy, so what if he was injured? (can't da brotha get a break?) Anyway, here's who I think is hot and not hot. Just so u know MJ is in his own league, so never mind, after him comes... HOT 1.Allen Iverson 2.Kobe Bryant 3.Vince Carter 4.Alonzo Mourning ...thats it High standards up there at McGill... NOT 1. Tyronne Hill...just like da guy said on ComicView:"Tyronne Hill is so ugly that you gotta ask him 'What happened?!" Man, Tyrone Hill must be like a walking Christmas present for the comedians on ComicView. When your act is bombing you can just make a Tyrone Hill ugly joke and get that sure laugh. 2. Sam 'Alien' Cassell I thought he looked like E.T. 3. Popeye Jones (no comment) 4. Keon Clark (his one of my fav playaz, but damn!)...the list is long , so i'mma stop here Peace! (in the middle east) Peace back to you, too. Thanks for writing. Reader Tamirror writes... Hey Lang, I just wanted to add another female point of view on the subject of "Hot or Not" NBA players. Here's my list... HOT Kobe -- being fluent in another language, especially Italian, is hot! Pardon? Qu'est que tu dit? CWebb -- tall, dark, and handsome (and rich) what more could a girl ask for? also can rock any hairstyle and still look hot! we won't even talk about that smile. tyra's a lucky woman!! It's worth saying again: And Chris is a lucky man. P-Dub -- very active in the community, no earring, braids, or tats so your parents will approve, but still has that thuggish quality that every woman wants in her man. Thuggish quality? So all I have to do is get stabbed in the chest and I can have that thuggish quality, too? 'Toine -- one of the best dressed players in the league. you would never have to worry about picking out his clothes for him. Yeah, but his head is shaped...let's just say he can wear square hats. Ben Wallace -- what a body! i would love for them to play "i want muscles" by diana ross when he blocks a shot! Actually, I think I might like to hear that, too. One of the announcers during a game said "his calf muscles look like they are trying to escape from his body!!" They're probably terrified of him. Plus he is a really nice guy. NOT (it was hard to narrow this down, so i decided not to go by just looks, but personality and game) Scottie Pippen -- i think he is overrated and a jerk. i support you 100 percent for putting 'nique ahead of him. Ricky Davis -- padding stats shows no class plus shows how dumb he was by not realizing that the rebound wouldn't have counted anyway. read a rule book! I love it when Ricky plays with his hair blown out because he looks just like Undercover Brother out there, what with the ornate goatee and the sideburns. I guess that would make Darius Miles into Conspiracy Brother. And if you haven't seen the movis Undercover Brother, go rent it. It's fantastic. Keith Van Horn -- never know if he's gonna show up. Umm...oh that's right, you're going by game. Also needs hairstyling tips. Ray Allen -- those terrible sex scenes in "he got game" i know he's no actor, but some things should come naturally, ya know? I imagine it's hard to look natural, even if Rosario Dawson is sitting on you topless, when you got Spike Lee sitting across from you. Nick Van Exel -- okay i have to admit, i went strictly by looks on this one! And finally, this comes from a female linkstigator that works for an NBA team which I will not name... I've met many players, but damn there are some incredibly ugly folks in the league. I agree with homegirl that the hottest wife thing is pretty wack to your straight female readers. But I have compiled my own list with reasons legit and biased all in one. Here we go... Okay, 10 best looking NBA players, in no particular order, and many for no particular reason... 1. Raja Bell, G, DALLAS MAVERICKS BIO: He may have bounced around the globe this summer, but he sure looked good while doing it. This could be the first time Raja Bell has ever been first on any list of any type. 2. CWebb, F SACRAMENTO KINGS BIO: Great Smile...Handsome man...enough said. 3. Allan Houston, G NEW YORK KNICKS BIO: He's handsome...VERY VERY cordial...and a devoted CHRISTIAN player in the league...And that makes him beautiful. Probably doesn't hurt that he has that $100 million in the bank, either. 4. Jake Voskuhl, C PHOENIX SUNS BIO: He's just cute, my goodness, and he's pretty nice. Wolverine? Really? 5. Gilbert Arenas, G GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS BIO: With the nappy fro or with a cut this guy plays well and he's fine...and he can dress his butt off. 6. Cat Mobley, G HOUSTON ROCKETS BIO: Yes his ego is larger than the Solar System, but there is no denying that he's sexy...and his confidence drives you nuts especially since he loves to speak in third person...but that draws you to him for some reason....No, that draws YOU toward him. Cat would make my Top 10 Prettiest Players list. 7. Jay Williams, G CHICAGO BULLS BIO: I thought this guy would be a total d*ck but he's cute, he's smart, and he's pretty nice...now if he can just find his way to the court it'd be great. 8. Etan Thomas, C WASHINGTON WIZARDS BIO: Yes, Etan Thomas. He looks kinda scruffy now, but he is fine as hell...and you have to love the guy with a "Natural" look (hint hint KENDALL GILL, with your weave locs). And he is really nice... When you're the twelve guy on MJ's team, you'd better be nice. And do you think Jordan calls the 11th and 12th guys "Knafel"? 9. AI, G PHILADELPHIA 76ERS BIO: He can put me out of the house anytime. Every woman -- black, white or whatever -- likes a thug at some point in life. I guess I really am going to have to get stabbed now. That's going to really suck. 10. Kobe, G LOS ANGELES LAKERS BIO: I can't stand the Lakers but hey he's cute...like college boy cute. Michael Jordan epitomizes sexiness...he's an old playa but he's still fine! I like how several of the women didn't include Mike on their lists, but gave him a special slot, like he's not that good looking any more, but he's in some kind of Hot Hall of Fame. Honorable Mention... Mo Taylor, Quentin Richardson just for always smiling and being one of the coolest cats in the league, Vincent Yarbrough, Speed Claxton, Corey Maggette, Vince Carter, Wally Szczerbiak -- I bet Wally's pissed he's ranked below Vincent Yarbrough, Antwan Jamison, Juan Dixon, Richard Jefferson -- as long as he doesn't talk; maybe that's why he doesn't talk in that Nike commercial, Eddie House. DRUMROLL...ALL UGLY ALL STARS 2002-2003 1. KELVIN CATO, C HOUSTON ROCKETS BIO: Not only is this man ugly on the outside, but on the inside as well. He is overpaid, lazy and fat. He looks like crap, he plays like crap, and his attitude is crap...He gets the ugly MVP. But tell us how you really feel. 2. For this one I had to take out the player's name, because it would have given away which team our writer works for. But I thought it's still really fun to read and think about who it could be. And no, I'll never tell who it is... BIO: Bad attitude, terrible looks, no pt, won't do his rookie duties... misses team flights...doesn't go to community events = extra ugly. This kid is so ugly if you look at him in the eyes you'll turn to stone and then you will spontaneously combust. By the way, I hope he know his attitude has bought him a one way ticket to the D-League. Congrats! 3. SAM CASSELL, G MILWAUKEE BUCKS BIO: Do you believe in Aliens?? I do. 4. KEON CLARK, C-F SACRAMENTO KINGS BIO: For all you groupie broads, if you EVER lay down with this man...I don't even want to know where that's going 5. MIKE DUNLEAVY JR., G GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS BIO: Any grown man that still looks like a zygote deserves to be on every ugly list created. 6. SHAWN KEMP, C-F ORLANDO MAGIC BIO: An ugly man with lots of ugly kids running around. Now he should be arrested for crimes against humanity for forcing the world to look at him. (Sorry, Lang) Wait a minute...how do you know what Shawn's kids look like? Hmm... 7. TYRONE HILL, F LAST TIME I CHECKED IN PHILLY BIO: *SIGH* Man, damn is all I can say! 8. RICKY DAVIS, G CLEVELAND CAVALIERS BIO: He's pretty young yet he looks like someone's old dirty crazy headed uncle named Willie. Plus he can't dress worth a crap. ANY person still wearing those 1998 No Limit Records Silk Shirts in 2003 needs to get a clue. Undercover Brother is waaay undercover. 9. ANTHONY MASON, F MILWAUKEE BUCKS BIO: He is an annual member of the all ugly team. He will be an all Ugly Hall of Famer. As a matter a fact, Congratulations Mr. Mason, you are the new inductee into the ALL UGLY HALL OF FAME. Congratulations and keep scaring young children by smiling! 10. We have a tie!! POPEYE JONES AND DAMON JONES BIO: Maybe the last name Jones is cursed, but these two guys are neck and neck so the committee decided to make an exception and allow these two to alternate every other day. 11. STROMILE SWIFT, C-F MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES BIO: We almost forgot about you, but don't worry there is always a dark corner for you to hide in our hearts here at the committee. So Congratulations on being the only 11th member of 10 man spot!!! HONORABLE MENTION: Kenyon Martin (NETS), Marcus Camby -- he's ugly and soft (Nuggets), Mateen Cleaves (KINGS) -- he looks so ugly on the bench does he look better on the court?, Lee Nailon (KNICKS), Latrell Sprewell (KNICKS), Shawn Marion (SUNS) and Rashard Lewis (SONICS) And that's the end of it. I'm going to stop typing in italics now...there, fixed that. Ladies, thank you for writing in expressing your opinions. Now, men, I think it's important that we all learn from this. What do we learn? What is our lesson? Well, basically, if you look like Tyrone Hill, you're screwed. Otherwise, you've got a shot with someone out there. LENNY WILKENS WATCH: 3 The number of losses Coach Lenny needs to become the all-time losingest coach in NBA history. This just in...ESPN Insider reports that the Chicago Bulls are experiencing unrest at the point guard position. Which is what we all really care about anyway, isn't it? Yes, it's interesting to ogle at a car crash. Once. Let's hit The Links... QUOTES OF THE DAY "It certainly wasn't what I envisioned." -- Tom Glavine, on getting booed off the mound in his New York Mets home debut yesterday. Serves you right, traitor. "I make big shots everywhere. I get accustomed to it. I'm not afraid to be the goat. I don't worry about what you (reporters) say about me in the papers. In fact, I like it. It tickles me." -- Sam Cassell. "He doesn't seem too terribly displeased." -- Latrell Sprewell, on Marcus Camby's attitude in Denver. "It was (a dirty play). They called a dirty play on Kelvin Cato. But who is Kelvin Cato? Who is Dikembe Mutombo? I guess the referees see it a different way." -- Steve Francis, on Mutombo elbowing Yao Ming in the throat last night. ---------------------------------------------------- really interesting
Sounds like No. 2 on the list of the last person is Tito Maddox and that person works for the Rockets.
I have made some research.. and this is what would happen if our Rocket stars became rappers Steve Before After (dr.Dre) Eddie Before After
