Shaq and his Irish Cousins

An interview with Shaq by Cedric the Entertainer.


http://insider.espn.go.com/insider/magazine/story?id=1909575

CEDRIC: Big Diesel, what up, brotha?

SHAQ: What's up over there in Ireland?

CEDRIC: Just working hard.

SHAQ: Yeah. What you doing?

CEDRIC: Shooting an updated version of The Honeymooners.

SHAQ: That's cool. You see my cousins - the O'Neals?

CEDRIC: Yeah, me bollocks 'em over here. Ever been to Dublin?

SHAQ: Naw, not yet.

CEDRIC: Not yet! Man, you're huge over here. They got Shaq posters everywhere.

SHAQ: For real?

CEDRIC: Yeah, but not the ones where you're in your basketball gear. They got you in some swim trunks, dog.

SHAQ: They do?

CEDRIC: Naw, I'm just messin' with you. Hey, I saw you at the VMAs, guns all oiled up. You been gettin' at it in the weight room?

SHAQ: Naw. Actually, I just stopped lifting weights. In LA, they wanted me to be the biggest and the strongest, so I kept lifting. Now I just do cardio.

CEDRIC: Did you go on the South Beach Diet?

SHAQ: Oh yeah, brother. You know, it's about that time.

CEDRIC: How you liking Florida so far? Hanging down there in South Beach. Ocean Drive. Collins and Washington. I know a little something.

SHAQ: Oh, it's good. You know I had to do it right. I had to get me a little spot right on that ocean.

CEDRIC: I heard! You got Rony Seikaly's old crib, right?

SHAQ: Yeah, it's cool. I think it's like 22,000 square feet.

CEDRIC: You still got the pad outside Orlando?

SHAQ: Yup. This new one's just the work crib.

CEDRIC: That young cat, Dwyane Wade. How you like him?

SHAQ: Aw man, you got all day? I've seen some stuff out of him I haven't seen in a while. I
told him, "I'm going to get my 25, 26, 27, but I need 20 from you." That's what I told that other dude ...

CEDRIC: Kobe?

SHAQ: Yeah, but he didn't listen. With Dwyane, it's not just come down, put it between your legs and go for what you know. If you can go for what you know and keep everybody involved, that's a real player.

CEDRIC: Who else on the squad you think is going to do something?

SHAQ: Eddie Jones, I played with him in LA. Udonis Haslem is a young cat people better watch out for. But we went and got some veterans, too: Christian Laettner, Wesley Person, Damon Jones. Outside shooters to complement some guy we got in the middle.

CEDRIC: Except for Eddie, I never heard of any of 'em. Psych!

SHAQ: You'll see. But enough about me. Brotha, I want to thank you for that movie, Johnson Family Vacation. My family loved it.

CEDRIC: Right on, man. I appreciate that. You still doin' movies?

SHAQ: Naw, not really. I just been chillin'. If I do another one, I want an action thriller-type jammie.

CEDRIC: Like some John Woo stuff?

SHAQ: Yeah.

CEDRIC: That'd be hot. I'd have to be in it, though. We could do it like Uptown Saturday Night, only more contemporary.

SHAQ: Hook it up. I'll do it with you.

CEDRIC: What about recording? Still trying to go platinum?

SHAQ: Actually, I haven't been in the studio in about a year and a half.

CEDRIC: What about those lyrics on Kobe?

SHAQ: You know what? If you listen to the song, me and this guy named Skillz was battling. I was talking to Skillz, I wasn't talking to Kobe. I promise you this, he's not important to me.

CEDRIC: I remember your old joint, "I like playin' on the West side, even though I miss playin' on the East side." Now you're back on the East side – how you feel about that?

SHAQ: Had to be done. I didn't like the way things were going. I wanted to be with an honest organization. Don't say, "Shaq, we love you, we love you," then once the door's closed, say, "We hate Shaq." I was told some stuff, and then it happened differently. A couple of days after we lost, I was downstairs eating Frosted Flakes with the kids. I flip the channel and see Phil got fired.

CEDRIC: But there was speculation about that. You didn't know?

SHAQ: I didn't know. Seriously. Everybody always talks about winning. Phil took us to the Finals four out of five years. We won three years out of five. To my math, that's 60% of the time.

CEDRIC:: You can count? But wait, what about Kobe? All that friction they tried to play up between y'all – it seemed to be pitted against you. Like they wanted Kobe and not you.

SHAQ: They wanted the younger guy more than the old guy. I'm 32 and Kobe's 26, so I guess they were thinking way into the future. But the intelligent person knows the future is now. The future ain't 2010. People will see who got the best.

CEDRIC: You had plenty of places to play. Why Miami? Was it the organization, the city? What's the deal?

SHAQ: The city is cool; that was a plus. But I'm not a young single man anymore. I've got a wife and five children, so ...

CEDRIC: Five kids?!

SHAQ: Yeah, I got five.

CEDRIC: Damn boy, you must be doin' it up!

SHAQ: I knew I had to take them to an exciting place with an exciting arena and nice weather.

CEDRIC: I was down in Miami one year when Dennis Rodman was there. He took a bunch
of people in the ocean and baptized them. Do you plan on doing anything like that with all your Shaqites?

SHAQ: Naw.

CEDRIC: Come on, people want to follow you. You gotta make 'em bow down. Do the whole can-you-dig-it speech and everything. You could even run naked on South Beach.

SHAQ: I need to get a six-pack first. Right now, I've only got a 4.892-pack.

CEDRIC: Once you get it, you should throw on some Kiki Vandeweghe shorts. You'd be out there lookin' strong, man. Here's what I want to know: I've been checking out that AND 1 team. Them kids have really blown up. If you were an
AND 1 player, what nickname would you have?

SHAQ: Lemme see ... what would it be? Probably, uh ... Diesel. Either Diesel or ... you know, I don't know.

CEDRIC: Come on, man. You're famous for your nicknames. I thought you'd come with something better than that.

SHAQ: All right. How 'bout O'Nealiony Montana?

CEDRIC: O'Nealiony Montana?

SHAQ: Yeah, because I'm the biggest thing to hit Miami since Tony Montana.

CEDRIC: You'd have to get the Cadillac with the leopard-skin interior.

SHAQ: Already got it.

CEDRIC: It's your tree, Shaq, you're sittin' in it. I can't touch you, brotha. So ... you looking forward to playing in the East this year? No Tim Duncan, no KG. Seems like you got it light there, fella. Is there any competition in the paint for you?

SHAQ: The East is going to be pretty easy for me. The Great Chest of the West becomes the Great Beast of the East.

CEDRIC: The Great Beast of the East. You'll have to do some Mao Zedong stuff, you know, like bring some Eastern philosophy. You could show up at the game in a kimono with the whole Fu Manchu mustache.

SHAQ: Or some black silk jammies with the white buttons and the black-and-white shoes.

CEDRIC: Shackie Chan! I'm going to come down to Miami and hang out. By the time you get a five-and-a-half-pack, I'll be up to a keg. But I'll still get naked and run with you. I have no shame. Hey, is Riley cool? What's up with him?

SHAQ: I like him. He's old-school. He brought me in and said, "This is what we want, this is what we need: the old Shaq." And I said, "Okay. Yes, sir." Then I told him what I expected. I think we're going to have a good relationship. I'll probably end my career there.

CEDRIC: What about Coach Van Gundy? That's like being coached by the other Belushi,
know what I'm sayin'? Not quite as famous as his brother.

SHAQ: Not yet, but he will be.

CEDRIC: Okay. Tell me something nobody knows about you. Anything. Like, do you get pedicures?

SHAQ: Naw.

CEDRIC: 'Cuz you got a size 23. I figure a pedicure like that gotta be at least $275. Probably need six ladies to massage one foot. That would be funny. You know something a lot of people don't think is funny? Your free throw shooting. Tell me about it, dog. You been working on that?

SHAQ: Naw, I ain't even trippin'. If I was able to have the game I have and shoot 80% from the line, I'd probably be an arrogant person rather than a humble one. Everything happens for a reason.

CEDRIC: I'm going to let you go on that one. But you got to tell me about the big Lakers game on Christmas. Thought about giving them a special gift, maybe something special for Kobe?

SHAQ: I just hope I have enough in me to do what I do, because I always do my toy drive on Christmas. I'll be rollin' through the 'hood with a couple 18-wheelers, handin' out toys.

CEDRIC: That's huge. You've always been good to the people that way. Well again, big ups, man.

SHAQ: Yeah, have fun over there. And if you see any of my Irish cousins, tell 'em I said, "Shiver me timbers," or something like that.