A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly sitting in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?" "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't." "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" "Don't doubt it for a minute." "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity??" "Yep", was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied...... "Been married to your sister for 68 years."
Yeah! I love joke threads! Here is one: Breast's, or "The Miracle of Toilet Paper" Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.
Superman Joke ************* Superman was horny as hell one day and needed some action. Unfortunately, Superman could not have the typical earth hottie as they could not withstand his super thrust. Thus he sought a female super hero. As he was flying, he decided on Bat Girl, but he didn't want her to know. So he had to make it quick. He flew through Bat Girl's window, bang, bang, bang and out the window. He thought to himself how much he enjoyed it, but it wasn't quite enough so he decided to pay Super Girl a visit. He flew through her window. Bang, bang, bang and out the window. He needed one more super screw and just happened to notice that Wonder Woman was spread out on the bed, moaning and waiting for someone to satisfy her everlasting need. Superman quickly flew through the window. Bang, bang, bang, and out the window. Wonder Woman said, "What the hell was that?" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my ******* sure does hurt".
Ok, here are a couple... A giant storm hits a small town and people are told to evacuate because of flooding but one main stays home. The flood waters begin to rise and an emergency patrol officer knocks on his door and says he should come with them in their big truck to safety. The man says, "No thank you. God will save me." Hours later, the waters are to his door. Another rescue worker shows up in a boat and says, "We have to get you to safety." The man replies, "No thank you. God will save me." Finally, the flood waters have engulfed his house and he is forced onto the roof. A helicopter appears and a man on a bullhorn yells down that he must climb the ladder and be flown to safety. The man refuses yelling back, "God will save me!" The man drowns. When he gets to heaven, God is there waiting. Frustrated, the man says, "God, I trusted you. I was convinced you were going to save me and, yet, here I am. What happened? God replied, "Well, I sent you a truck, a boat, a helicopter..." ------------- One more... A man enters a bar and sees a beautiful vuluptious woman. He notices that her breasts are perfect and very large and he is mezmorized by them. Finally, he works up the courage to approach her. "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you and please don't think me forward. I'm not coming onto you. But, I feel like I need to ask you...your breasts are so amazing and I hope you don't mind if I ask...are they real?" The woman smiles and says, "Oh, I don't mind. Actually, it is a fascinating story. My breasts were very small at one point. But, I had heard I could make them bigger by looking in the mirror. So, one day I stood in front of the mirror in my bedbroom and said, 'Mirror mirror on the wall, make my boobs this tall' and held my arms outstretched in front of me and they just appeared!" The man was thrilled, thanked the woman for the story and headed home. When he got home, he immediately took off all his clothes, stood in front of the mirror on the back of his bathroom door and said, "Mirror mirror on the door, make my dick touch the floor." And his legs fell off.
LOL, here is another one: There is this lady who was born a natural blonde and she is so tired of people making 'blonde' jokes about her that she dyed her hair brown. One day she was driving down a long country road and there was a herd of sheep with a farmer next them. She stopped her car and got out. She said to the farmer "If I can guess how many sheep you have can I have one?" The farmer thought about it for a while and replied yes. He didn't think that anyone could be that clever! The lady guessed there were 329 sheep and the farmer was amazed that she had guessed the exact number. He told her to pick out the one she wanted so she did. A few minutes later the farmer walked up to the lady's car and asked "Ms, if I can guess your natural hair colour can I have my dog back?
Shamelessly stolen from Maxim - A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between "potentially" and "realistically." "Easy", says his father. "First, ask mom if she would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars." The boy runs off and then comes back and says, "She said yes." "Now go ask your sister the same question", say the father. Again the boy runs off and again he comes back, "she said yes, too." "So, potentially we are sittin on two million dollars", says the father, "But, realistically, we're living with a pair of whores."
Perhaps the best joke I've ever heard. The longer you drag out the set-up, the better the results: A man with a big orange for half his head walks into a bar. He sits down, and gets the attention of the bartender looking down. "Can I get a Bud?" The bartender, slowing raising his head replies, "Sure thi--whoa! What happened to you? You have a big orange for half your head!" "Yep." "How'd that happen?" "Well, I was on vacation in the South Pacific, hanging out on the beach, drinking daquiris, relaxing. I decided to go for a walk and I came across this ornate gold bottle. I started wiping the sand off it and it began to vibrate. A huge cloud of smoke burst out of it and a giant, floating genie appeared. He said, 'You are my master. Your wish is my command. You have three wishes.'" "So...what'd you wish for?" the wide-eyed bartender asked. "Well, first, I said, 'I want an unlimited supply of cash. I want to be able to spend whatever I want and never lose any money.'" "So?" "He granted my wish. I took out my wallet, took out a hundred dollar bill, and tore it in half. Instantly, another hundred appeared in my wallet." "Wow, this is the most amazing thing I've ever heard!" said the bartender. "What'd you wish for next?" "Then, I wished for two beautiful women to be around my arms at all times. And--poof!--two gorgeous women in thong bikinis appeared beside me and began stroking my back." "Oh my God," said the stunned barman, barely able to contain himself. "Well, what was your third wish?" "I though about it for a moment. Then, I said, 'Genie, I want a big orange for half my head.'"
Gosh, if I had known An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and start talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman’s apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they’re both laying there, staring at the ceiling. The old man is thinking... “Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her.” The old lady is thinkin... “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties.....” --------------------------------------------------- [WARNING: ethnic joke] Somewhat OLD, but worth another look: Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes English: It's very dark in here Chinese: Wai So Dim? English: Stay out of sight Chinese: Lei Lo English: He's cleaning his automobile Chinese: Wa Shing Ka English: This is a tow away zone Chinese: No Pah King English: Is there a fugitive here? Chinese: Hu Yu Hai Ding? English: Small Horse Chinese: Tai Ni Po Ni English: Your price is too high!!! Chinese: No Bai Nut Ding!!! English: Did you go to the beach? Chinese: Wai Yu So Tan? English: I bumped into a coffee table Chinese: Ai Bang Mai Ni English: Has your flight been delayed? Chinese: Hao Long Wei Ting? English: I thought you were on a diet? Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching? English: They have arrived Chinese: Hai Dei Kum English: Your body odor is offensive Chinese: Yu Stin Ki Pu English: You know lyricks to the Macarena? Chinese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
