I've been thinking about how to ask the bbs this for a long time. Anyway, if anyone has experience getting out of relationships where you're married, living together, or otherwise somewhat committed... read on if you want to know the story (or don't already). I've been with "Ferdinand" for most of my adult life, and we were married several years back. It has never been that great of a situation. The last time I can remember being happy to be with him at all was three years ago. He hasn't done any of the major things that you could use as an excuse to leave (cheating, abuse, complete disinterest). The best justifications I can give are: -He has a spotty employment history and went for two years straight without working while I was helping to pay his expenses and working my arse off. This is probably the worst single thing he's done. He is not sorry and would possibly do it again. He thinks he is justified. -General lack of consideration for me. My mom noticed this (and usually she and I don't talk about relationships). She said, "he doesn't care about anybody but himself", "he should never have gotten married", "if you left him I wouldn't blame you", "he's giving 25% and you're giving 150%", and she doesn't see that he really loves me in the usual sort of way where you want to make the person happy. -Minimal effort. Does what he needs to do to get by. When I start getting upset, then pulls me back and acts nice for as long as he thinks he needs to. Possible passive-aggressive behavior in there as well. -In general an unrealistic person and doesn't take reality checks from anyone. Every time I try to make a move to get out of it... telling him I'm leaving or even occupying a different room in the house... he starts to cling to me, follow me around, and want to fix everything "right now". Or make me feel guilty. I'm sure I fell for it the first few hundred times, but I just have the feeling that if I stay here, it would only be for him. That things would never get better for me. I found myself almost getting into another relationship a few months ago. I don't cheat or anything, so of course it couldn't go very far. But it did give me an idea of how different things could feel, and also of how emotionally alone I had been before (to be able to get into that so easily). We don't have any kids, and I'm not having any with this guy for sure, so there goes my chance to have a family if I stick with him. (He IS the kid.) I wish I could get him to take a job out of town, since his career unhappiness is part of his problem. If he straightened up and turned into Mr. Right, I would come join him. (not really going to happen) But he won't do that, and thinks he "can't handle" any kind of separation from me. Even knowing that I have no feelings left at all. Except some guilt. I just feel like my potential is being wasted here. Hopefully I'm not a heartless person, but this is a problem and has been for a really long time (as some people here know). If you have any ideas - what should I do? Am I justified in wanting to leave? If so, how do I go about the steps of it? I've tried and tried to prepare him (so he can figure out what he should do... his financial situation is worse than mine), but he refuses to believe it, because he thinks he'll just cuddle up to me some more and it will all be better. The problem is I feel like it might just be too late to salvage things after all that has gone on. I wouldn't even miss him. I started out very devoted to him, but that was before a lot of time and experience. I feel trapped... please give me any advice you can. Thanks...
it's ironic how everyone has advice for everyone else, but when it comes to ourself, we can't find the advice we just gave. to be succinct, you're in a dead end relationship. he's not going to change. you're unhappy. that should tell you enough.
Pass. I've had a hard enough time dealing with my own. The last thing I need to do is give advice on a subject I'm still working out. But, if I were to make a joke here, I'd use the Seinfeld metaphor, "Just do it in one motion like a band-aid...RIGHT OFF!!!"
Wow, Isabel it sounds like you have moved on in your mind along time ago.. Why haven’t you officially moved on then?? "Time to dump that zero and get yourself a hero!"
I don't think that it's all too selfish or anything like that if you do plan to leave. You're talking about your life as well. Sure, when you got married, you made a commitment; however, he made one as well. If things are not working out after years of trying, I can't see anything unjustified in a mutual agreement that it's not working out. Now, you're saying that he gets clingy when things aren't working out. I'm sensing that you aren't telling him everything that he needs to do. Some people tend to take advantage of people's passive sides in a relationship. If they keep getting away with it, there's no reason for them to change. I feel that you might give in one too many times to the same excuses, etc. Truth is regardless of women's rights and equality, he's still the "man" of the family and he needs to start acting like one. In order to do so, househusband just isn't the right thing to be. He needs to go get a job, and fulfill his own vows. Breaking up is always hard to do, but at the same time; you only have one life to make the most out of everything. Splitting doesn't have to have a fool-proof reason. It doesn't have to be him cheating, abusing, etc. If things don't work out, talk it over. Do no leave ANY loopholes when you have this talk. No one should weasel their way out of a "save our marriage" conversation. If that's been done, it seems fully justifiable if you decide that enough is enough. From what you've posted, he's taking immaturity as his stance towards this relationship. Then, I feel that you should do what's best for you. What makes you happy. Wasting what is being built for a few years is nothing compared to wasting the rest of your life living unhappily over someone else's immature feelings. If he really does care, he might find it acceptable to go off on his own either. At least he can give himself some time to mature and something might work out for the future. note: I AM at work and did not have too much time to analyze the situation. Everything said here are just my initial thoughts. I hope this helps.
its not selfish if youre unhappy for the reasons you gave. I think it comes down to just doing it, being tough and firm about it, and not feeling too sorry for the guy. tell him that if he clings to you, that he wont get to see you at all, so he better shape up and be a man.
The problem is all inside your head She said to me The answer is easy if you Take it logically I’d like to help you in your struggle To be free There must be fifty ways To leave your lover She said it’s really not my habit To intrude Furthermore, I hope my meaning Won’t be lost or misconstrued But I’ll repeat myself At the risk of being crude There must be fifty ways To leave your lover Fifty ways to leave your lover CHORUS: You just slip out the back, Jack Make a new plan, Stan You don’t need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free Hop on the bus, Gus You don’t need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free She said it grieves me so To see you in such pain I wish there was something I could do To make you smile again I said I appreciate that And would you please explain About the fifty ways She said why don’t we both Just sleep on it tonight And I believe in the morning You’ll begin to see the light And then she kissed me And I realized she probably was right There must be fifty ways To leave your lover Fifty ways to leave your lover CHORUS Unfortunately, I have broken up far more times than I care to remember. I have had the clingy girl who had massive separation anxiety and, even though I had months before decided that there was no long term potential, I kept her around because she was so needy. For that one, I made the bad decision to cheat on her with someone she knew so that she would find out and break it off. Instead, she found out and forgave me up one side and down the other. If you have decided that there is no future in the relationship, I would end it as abruptly as possible. Move in with a friend, family member, or into a hotel and let him know that it is over. Get divorce papers in process and get that process started (that process will take a LONG time in most cases). It will hurt both of you more in the short term, but it will also be weeks, months, or years less hurt than if you were to stay together for that long. Just my $0.02.
The weird thing is: in the early years of our relationship (a long time ago), I was the clingy girl. All I can say is that those "clingy" situations are just bad. People ask if I've talked to him about it. Yes, many times. I'm honest with him. We discuss it at least every day by now. You would think he would get used to it. Or that he wouldn't want to be with someone who has no feelings for him. He starts to cling and say all the "right" things and look up at me like a sad puppy dog. I feel a little guilty trying to get away from someone who still "loves" me and insists that we can make it work. On the other hand, by now I just hate the idea of staying with him. Does that make me a bad person? A few questions: -People always say "move in with a friend or into a hotel". Is there any reason I can't just rent my own little apartment? -How do you get a divorce to cost as little as possible? -If you got married in the Catholic church, do you need to go through their annulment process first? Thanks... these are never covered in those little "how to plan your wedding" books, and they don't teach you how to do this stuff in school. They probably should.
You should get a divorce lawyer, dear. My sister just got a divorce. She was trying to work it all out with her ex herself, prior. Not the best idea. We convinced her to find an attorney. My sister is a very smart woman, but she was selling herself short, sometimes unconsciously, sometimes out of an undeveloped sense of deservedness. Divorce in Texas follows a formula. You need someone to tell you what is normal and what would be unusual. Find a match, spend the money on getting good advice from someone you can listen to and work with. Don't spend too much time talking - though, it's too expensive . Really, the story why it didn't work isn't important anymore. You just need to know what to do now. You are investing in your future. Go ahead and file, it will get you moving. If you are keeping your place - stay in it, and tell him to leave - if you are not - leave. Sort through it all. Finish the process. Get on with your life, then come back here from time to time with a smile and some sex jokes .
I can actually answer these. You are better off in a temporary location until some paperwork can be done. The reason for that is that there will ultimately have to be a division of assets and debts and, depending on who makes more money at the moment, you may still be responsible for bills paid at your current residence even if you move out. Since you have no children, you can go through a divorce with a single attorney or even an online divorce assuming you agree to the same terms. If either of you cannot agree on division of assets, you'll both have to have attorneys and the cost goes up immediately. The annulment process is something between you and the church. There is a chance they won't give you an annulment if the divorce is not based on something the church views as a valid reason. You'll need to consult a priest on that one. But, from a legal standpoint, the church has ZERO bearing on your divorce proceedings.
If you've discussed it with him every day, or more than a couple times, then obviously, he's either not taking it seriously or just doesn't care enough to change. A relationship is based on trust, commitment, and compromise. It's like a chain. If one of the links fall apart, the whole thing is worthless. He seems to have problems compromising as proven by his reluctance to change. Moreso, he seems to have problems adjusting to a relationship; which could mean a long, LONG life for you if you dont' do something about it. I'm usually not one to tell someone to break up their marriage, especially someone that I've never met or know. However, I do feel that this marriage of yours is hard to repair based on your current personal feelings towards it. "Love" is a word, and many times interpreted in a relationship. It is also a word that is relative in each relationship. In this scenario, he seems to use it a lot when there is a problem in the relationship. That's ... not good. I've just gotten back from a friend's marriage in Maryland. These two people have been together since high school, and they waited until everything is together and ready... for 8+ years. I'm not trying to demoralize or say anything that dismisses early marriages; I'm just trying to say that I've never seen two people happier throughout the process that led up to the marriage. In addition to that, this couple stayed together throughout college through a long, LONG distance relationship with a great ability to be committing, truthful, and compromising. Disagreements will happen, but there's almost always a solution if both sides will try to work it out. I don't really know you except for your posts in the BBS, but I do wish you well. I gather, from what you've posted, that he seems like the kind of person that will say he loves you only when there's trouble along the horizon. From personal experiences, I could see how that is damaging to the relationship itself. A word that has such meaning (especialy to females) should not be abused. He seems to be using this word just to get on your soft side in his reluctance to change. It also demeans the word as it gets overused. I sincerely hope that if you do break it off, that you'll be able to find someone else that could really make you happy. There are plenty of people out there, and as routinely as this sounds, it might hurt at first as loneliness pursues, but it'll get better through time. You don't have to feel sorry for him, as he has a lesson to learn in this. It's not worth it if you can't see a possible solution in this marriage. The longer it lingers, the more pain you'll feel and the more time you'll waste. Good luck!
Since you still want kids and pushing 30, this is the crossroads of your life. Make the decision that makes you happy. You window is getting smaller. If you wait a few more years, it may be too late. Settle your relationship with him. Start working out and get back in the game. Good luck.
Details. I know the nuts and bolts of doing the divorce thing. What I meant was that I wasn't in a position to counsel on the emotional and psychological stuff.
You do not need to go through the annulment process prior to divorce proceedings. According to the Catholic Faith, you are still married in the eyes of the church if you don't get an annulment. As long as you don't remarry, this is not an issue. Depending on the circumstances you may or may not be granted the annulment. I think they are more "strict" now then they used to be. As Jeff mentioned, consult a Priest. It is a long process with a lot of paperwork, so if you feel the need to get one, you should start the ball rolling.
It's good that you don't have kids together. Has he been this way since you met him? If you put up with his behavior at the beginning of the relationship with the expectations that he would change, it's no surprise you are disappointed now. I think you should move on, it sounds like you need to. The sooner the better.
I'll be in the minority here, and say that based on this information you don't need to leave him. The way it is now is awful, and as you say it has been that way for 3 years. I won't advise you to stay in the marriage forever under these conditions, but I am curious about what else the two of you have done. Have you seen a counselor? Ferdinand sounds depressed. If he's depressed he's not the best he can be, and there is no wonder you are miserable. I would recommend a marriage counselor, and see if that counselor advises Ferdinand to seek help regarding his depression. If Ferdinand refuses this, don't say anything at first, but the next time you feel the urge, tell him you are leaving. Once he starts getting clingy and wants to make it better, tell him that you no longer trust him to do it on his own. Tell him either he will agree to counseling, or you are going to leave him. If he agrees then you can go through that process and either end the marriage or delight in the progress you guys are making. If he doesn't agree to counseling, then tell him that you doubt his commitment to the marriage in any real way, and leave him. You do have to take action. You have to make a change since it is obvious he won't. What that change is will be up to the two of you. ::edit:: Maybe you don't want this advice, and what you really want are for others to tell you that it is ok to leave your husband, so you can feel less guilty about doing what you are already going to do. If that is the case then just leave Ferdi quickly and don't keep him hanging on. It is obviously going to be tough for him to get over this, so let him begin the process as soon as possible instead of having a hope that his marriage will last. Also if you have already decided then it is better for him that he knows, instead of believing something that isn't true about the marriage. You leaving him might be the one thing that forces him to make the changes he needs to make for himself. It will be too bad if it comes too late to save the marriage, but if he makes the changes he will be a better person if though he is divorced.
