[Relationships] Getting out of a bad long-term one...

Well, I'm not exactly sure what you're asking. If its a way to tell him, then do it nicely and somewhere private/public just in case there are any incredibly harsh reactions. Kind of have a plan on what you want to say and don't let him interrupt you, because things will get messy if u guys start arguing. You should give a really delayed option of seeing you again. Contact right away would be terrible because of all the emotional ramifications, but give it like a year or 2, excluding all the divorce court stuff and mandatory confrontations (bad choice of words)

I'm happy that you've taken a step in the direction you want to go. Cutting Dead weight i guess. Its unfortunate, but the Mona Lisa took one stroke to begin and it ended a masterpiece. I hope that you're happy and safe.

 

i've read this 2-3 times before...i thought he was out of your life already???

 

I think the only advice you need would be to be strong and go through with it! 2 years is a LONG time, you don't want to lose anymore.

Maybe it's hard for you because you don't know what you're missing- new freedom, new relationships, the weight of this bad relationship not weighing on you anymore.

 

nobody gets too much love anymore, its high as a mountain, and harder to climb.

i barely have any romantic relationships, but if i were you, i would have packed a long time ago. he should have known the consequences of his own actions by now, and the truth hurts. while you may feel bad now, it's gona feel a lot worse a little down the road, laying alone at night, wondering what your life could have been if you just had the courage to break off completely. don't leave space for regrets, life goes on, live it before its gone.

 

Okay, if you were a guy I'd tell you to crap or get off of the crapper. But you're not here for problem solving, you're here for support. So, you made the right decision. Emotionally it is over, sexually it is over. All that is left is the moving and the divorce. The most painful parts are over, just weather through the ending so that you can start a new beginning.

Stick to your guns. If you're with a manipulator and you've been codependant before, you probably have a hard time sticking up for yourself. That time is over. You have to take control of this situation, because enough damage is already done.

Good luck!

 

Leave him a letter:

"Welcome to Dumpsville! Population - you."

Seriously, there's no easy way to do it. I think a "Dear John" Letter is fine. Then go to the courthouse and get the divorce papers.

He'll whine to get you back. Leave it be, and don't give him even the sightest possibility of reconciliation. He'll be better off the sooner he knows it's completely over.

 

any got cliffs on this

 

Isabel,

Come on now, you have had this on going issue for a long time....deal with it.

Be a stand up gal...talk to your husband....and if he decides to stay the same flaky guy.

Dump him...you deserve better.

DD

 

damn... are these the same people that posted on my thread? all i got was, "you should just hit it!" hehe, i wonder what would the response be if she wrote the a thread about our situation instead?

anyways... you've guys been together for a loooong time. it's hard to just let feelings go. humans are creatures of habbit and we love the things we're use to. my last relationship was a make up break up thing. we'd break up then miss each other cuz we were so use to it... even the arguements. but finally that b&#ch dumped me for good (sorry, i'm still a little bitter).

you just have to find the strength to listen to your head instead of your heart. but having something you're use to is habbit forming isn't it? i know, i'm on my third "i'll quit smoking" new years resolution.

i've been reading your threads and i'd much rather see you as a strong confident woman who's in control of her destiny then a naive young girl. anyways, as i told someone once, everything will work out or we get use to it, so what ever choice you make, you'll be fine.

 

Strength and purpose.

You know you want out of this relationship; there is no way to do that without hurting the guy. There's probably not even a way to do it that will hurt him less than any other way you can think of. You just have to grit your teeth and do it - it will be hard, but I think very soon it will feel like a humongous weight lifted from you. pradaxpimp's method sounds good.

 

This takes me back. I think you are making the right choice. It is not fair to you to stay in this relationship that you do not see a future in, and it is not fair to Ferdi for you to stick around and keep talking/thinking about leaving. It won't be easy, but I think it is for the best for everyone involved. Good luck in your new place, and with this fresh new chapter of your life.

 

who is this 'ferdi'?
hmm....
anyway does he read this bbs? that would be interesting......

 

I usually vow to stay away from these 'relationship' threads because, to be intellectually honest, we're getting a somewhat 'filtered' version of whats going on.

In other words, I hate to trash someone based solely on events as seen through your prizm. That's why I don't really get the you-can-do-better-so-dump-him approach.

That's too easy. And it's unfair.

Having said that, life is only as complex and complicated as we make it. You're not splitting the atom here.

At the end of the day simply ask yourself if you're truly happy. I don't mean are ya'll arguing about where to order pizza from, but are you truly happy in you're soul?

Do you have that inner "peace" that comes in knowing you wouldn't want to be anywhere else but where you are? If not, then you know the answer.

And, if you truly love him, you only want to see him happy and just as fulfilled as you want to be yourself. The only way to do that is to put him AND you in positions to succeed and not tread water in the same stagnant relationship pool that you've both been in for so long (from what I understand).

And the only way to do that is to move on. And it's so much easier said than done, of course. But, in the end, you will BOTH find yourselves in situations that bring that peace into your lives.

The type of contentment and solace that only comes when you find - not the perfect person - but the perfect person for 'you'.

 

Your good nature is stopping you from letting your common sense convince you this is the right thing to do.

Take your good nature out on a pier, wail the **** out of it and dump it into the ocean, this is life and I may only be 21, but I've already learned that **** happens, snakes on a plane, etc.

This relationship died out a while ago and the fumes are a distant memory, face the future, think about yourself as a single entity. Like you said you have nothing attaching you to this situation, free your damn self.

 

Isabel, you've known what you need to do for a long time. You are taking the steps you think you should have taken long ago. Your doubts now are the last gasps of what kept you in this relationship far beyond what was healthy for you, or for him.

Make your move. Moving to another city would have been best, in my opinion, but I know you have professional obligations where you are. Make your move, Isabel. When it's behind you, you'll wonder why you waited so long.

And good luck.

 

Sing him a Color Me Badd song, while subtly humping his leg.

 

You don't have children, you don't live as one financially, you aren't emotionally supportive of each other, your not even having sex..... you aren't married you are just in some sort of codependent cohabitation. I'm guessing there is some emotional damage in both of you that makes this somehow seem like an accetable situation. From the onesided view we get, it appears he gets his mommy-love from you and you get protection from having to face uncertainty. That's not all that unusual in the real world. You seem unhappy but not unhappy enough to make a change (probably because you can't make yourself hurt Ferd). You have three choices:

1. Move on - leave and face the unknown for better or worse (we've all said it could be better for Ferd, but he could kill himself, you just don't know) It will take a lot of guts

2.Accept the status quo as your lot in life and live a little unhappy. It's not uncommon.

3.Embrace the status quo, love your little Peter Pan and be happy your life isn't really tragic.

Surely you talked to Ferdinand about this, I mean the guy is not having sex. What does he want to do? (I read the Catholic jib so I know he can just choose to accept the his earthly existence)

I absolutley choose to love my wife with all my being, well it's not that hard because she's so fine, but it does make life pretty good inside these four walls and is a refuge from all the other crap.

 

Isabel,

Boy do I feel for you! Here I am feeling sorry for myself for going all the way to Greece to see if I had something with this woman I had been talking to for 3 months and being very disappointed that it didn't work out - yet, reading about your situation makes me ashamed for even being upset about it!

I have told you (like many others) that you should have left Ferdinand a long time ago. I mean you have given him every chance in the world to get his act together and he still never really changes. Do you think he really is a happy person? Do you think he loves himself? The reason why I ask these questions is that I think he brings you down to his level and you definitely do not need that.

Let me tell you something - this woman I met in Greece was easily the best looking woman I have ever dated. Period. But I knew after the first day, it was not ever going to work because she was too high-maintenance! Finally after I told her I was coming home early, she started opening up to me (which she had not come close to doing all that previous week) and I found out that she had been through some drama. Isabel, I just got the feeling that she was not a happy person. And as much as I wanted things to work out mainly because of all the time and effort I had put into the relationship, I realized that I would have been miserable if I wound up with this person. I don't think I would have ever been able to do enough to make her happy. And you know what? No one, whether it is me, you, or anyone else needs to spend their life with someone who can't make them happy or a better person inside. So I am thankful to God that things didn't work out and that I was able to get out when I did. Now, it sucks to have to start over to find someone, but that is the way it goes. Just remember that nothing in life that is worth having is going to be easy.

I think you have known for a very long time that Ferdinand is the type of person who is not making you a better person - that he is not a happy person. It's funny that I have never been married but I have always felt that when 2 people get married that they should fulfill each other. Maybe I have watched "Jerry Maguire" too many times but I do believe that. Ferdinand has not fulfilled you and helped you grow into a better person in a long time. So, when you are struggling about what to do, remember some of the stuff I said. Are you truly being fulfilled being with him? I think you and I both know the answer to that question and also know what you need to do. I know it isn't going to be easy and I sure don't envy you having to do this. But I really think your life will be for the better if you do this. However, there is no halfway here - you have got to go all the way with it. Good luck and I'll be praying and thinking about you.