I'll preface this by saying that I don't have kids. However I see many kids on the subway who run around while the train is moving (a very dangerous thing to do), and yell, curse and even spit at their parents on the train without any reprecussions at all. The other day a 6 year old spit at his mom and kicked his shoes at her, and her respoonse was to ask him "what's wrong, why are you acting like this?" I'm nto a parent, so I'm not going to make any judgments about her, but maybe she read an article like this. BTW, my coments are in bold. http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/parenting/01/15/par.most.annoying/index.html
That's why they invented spanking. Who's the boss now? Actually, now that I have a child, I can better understand the parents who take the abuse, especially in public. Sometimes, you're just so tired of it, you think that if you did something to control the kid, it'd be strangulation. Bystanders would likely try to stop you, so you're probably best off doing nothing.
If my kids acted like that, they'd be on the receiving end of a whippin', the likes of which they won't soon forget.
Some child psychologists said spanking can only make matter worse. But did they ever offer any alternatives?
I thought the article was pretty good. But it does require work on the parents part -- but basically it was working on giving kids the words to use to voice what they are really feeling instead of whining, yelling, hitting or having fits. But it requires attention and patience from the parent - but done correctly would actually prevent kids like you saw in the subway not create them. I am a small group leader for kids going through high-stress family situations and you wouldn't belive the difference in kids when they can learn to voice their concerns and not only act them out inappropriatly. This past week we talked about 3 steps (this is with 1st and 2nd graders) to take: 1) Identify the feeling 2) Stop and Think 3) Work it out and we talked through alot of scenarios. It was amazing as light bulds came on that they had an alternativie to having a fit.
Sorry C^G, but IMO most of this advice is pretty bad. I will agree with hotballa, the correct response to "you're not the boss of me" is "yes, I am." Most of the time when a child is being unreasonable, the last thing you want to do is invite them to have a "rational discussion." That is the last thing they are looking for and the last thing you will get.
Scaring kids into obedience fixes things for now but helping them express themselves properly gives them tools to last a lifetime.
Where can I learn how to express myself properly? I believe most adults don't know about this either.
"Talking" with your children like their opinion is of equal importance as yours just makes them feel like you are not to be respected. Kids need to learn that no means no. It doesn't mean "I said no but let's talk about it and work out an arrangement."
I didn't want kids before reading this article, and now I want them even less. Man, what a headache parenting seems to be these days. It's bad enough having to teach the little bastards at school. I can't imagine having to put up with that crap at home too.
My two kids (11 & 15) are honor students in advanced academic programs. One's at a magnet high school. The other will be at a magnet middle school in the Fall. When they get a good report card, which is every time they get one, I take them to a book store and buy them whatever they want. (within reason) A bookstore has always been a place I would take them to hang out, report card or not. (places like Book People in Austin, and Barnes and Noble) I've been doing that since they were in kindergarten. As a result, they love going to book stores. I can drop them off for an hour and a half and they are perfectly content. They both love to read, and have vocabularies several grades ahead of where they are. We read to them every night from the time they were babies, and for several years after they started school. Just a suggestion for people thinking of having children. They both know how to behave in public. From the time they were old enough to go to a public eatery, or a similar place, if they started to cry or make a fuss, one of us would take them out of the public eye and talk to them. It always drove me nuts when parents would allow their children to raise hell in a restaurant, and I was determined that mine wouldn't. When kids are very, very young, it's amazing how they will learn proper behavior, if you approach it in the right way. I remember when my son was 2, and I'd take him out to eat, I'd have older people come over to my table and compliment me on his behavior. Same with my daughter. I was very involved with raising my kids, from the time they were brought home from the hospital. I stayed at home with them for a long time after my wife returned to work. We're always believed in equality in raising our kids. You could call me a feminist, and I would be proud of the compliment.
Deckard, Sounds like us in restaurants. My kids know that any bad behaviour gets rewarded with a trip outside to sit on a bench. There is no leniency and they know it. We have often had family, firends and waitstaff amazed at the behaviour of 2 young children. (And we've probably bumped in to you at B&N w/o knowing it... we're there a lot too) And to others here who think that teaching kids how to work through issues should be replaced with 'I'm the boss'... yeah... good luck. Understand that your children don't have the skills yet and demanding it of them doesn't help. That doesn't mean that you're a pushover...on the contrary, when you explain cause-effect (some would call a threat) if they continue or repeat the transgression, you MUST follow through. I see parents all the time like you guys would claim to be... 'I'm the boss! Do this or else...', and the children continue on. And with making everything a battle instead of helping the children understand and learn, just wait until they're teenagers.
Amen. And you have to be something else... consistent. As you said, you follow through, and you never make exceptions. Kids are amazingly aware of behavior in certain situations resulting in "getting a pass." Never give them a pass. As a parent, raising your children is the most important task you will ever have. Taking a break because you're in an awkward situation will not give you a good result.
I don't know that if that was directed at my comment or not, but the fact is that the parent is the boss. I have a 14 year old and a 16 year old who are very well behaved, so I am not talking in theory. There is a time and place for discussion, and when your child is whining and being unreasonable ("you are not the boss of me") is not it. If that wasn't directed at me, never mind. And I agree with Deckard, well behaved kids are a joy. But being a good parent is alot of work and it is not always easy. YMMV.
I think you can tell them no while still hearing their "opinion" and explaining to them why it's wrong, and sometimes, creating some de-facto bargain that surreptitiously encourages additional positive behavior (better grades, additional chores, whatever). I do think it's important for them to learn how to express and assert their feelings and act in their own best interests; 7 or 8 years down the road, their friends and peers will start replacing you as the key influence to their behavior, and they'll need to learn the art of compromise to avoid the consequences of hyper-individualism (exclusion & ostracism, which is probably more detrimental in the long-term than we think) or over-compliance (self-loathing, mediocrity, lack of moral, emotional or intellectual self-reliance).
While I applaud parents open enough to explain decisions to children it should be noted that you should avoid 'having' to give justification. Children operate better with clear guidelines IMO, and that should include some things that are not 'up for discussion' as well those that are (usually because it depends on the circumstance). For example, going to a friends house on a particular day may be open for discussion. Misbehaving in a restaurant isn't. The two funniest lines in this thread: Juan Valdez - 'strangulation.' Cohen - 'some might call it a threat.' Classic....