question for people who are married or live with their girlfreind/boyfreind

Live seperate.

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Nice guys finish last ... and im surely not going to finish last!

 

lol.

DC, I'd moved in with my girlfriend and we later got marries and, of coursem still live together. We didn't really fight before and we didn't really fight after and we still don't.

If you don't fight now, why are you afraid you'll start? In my experience, it's not as traumatic as I thought it would be.

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RealGM
Gafford Art
Artisan Cakes

 

Be patient. It isn't easy, but, if you really care about one another, you can work through anything.

Give each other plenty of space and don't be too demanding. Try to hold up your end of the relationship bargain - be nice, be responsible, listen, etc - and your partner should reciprocate.

Best of luck. I lived with my wife for several years before we were married and it was a good way to get to know our habits. It didn't really fix anything and we still have had our ups and downs but that is to be expected in any relationship.

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"I swallowed a lot of agression...along with a lot of pizzas."

 

I never lived in sin... but that's b/c I kissed my girlfriend for the first time on Christmas Eve, and talked her into driving me out to Utah on the day after Christmas ( tricking her into marrying me on 12/30 at 3:45 a.m. in the city of love, Las Vegas).

Technically, I guess we lived in sin those nights in the car or that splurge of a hotel room stay in New Mexico. But I digress. We've been in a very happy marriage for five years, though we were reluctant to admit being married at first (really young pale kids in UT that are married get stereotyped).

Anyway, keep separate checking accounts. If she's your peer and you guys truly love and respect each other... the only thing left to fight about is money. But if you have yours and she has hers then what's their to fight about (obviously you still take each other out and buy things for each other but personal money is personal money).

good luck! And just remember, I've only told one other person to get a separate checking account from their wife. They didn't heed my advice... and they just got divorced over monetary/immaturity issues.

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tank tank tank
tank tank tank
tank your booootie.

 

You might wanna go hang out with her instead of the bbs right about now.


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"We need a chicken butt." -- heypartner is moving swiftly to help make the CC.net BBS more efficient and run faster. RAM was the first step, apparently this is the second!

 

Sure, that works now, but wait till you've been married 14 years. She'll be begging you to go online and leave her alone!

(Just kidding, honey! (My wife has begun reading the board...I gotta watch what I say!))



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Behad
Sergeant at Arms of the Clutch BBS

 

dc rock: It's usually worse right at first. For me, there was a period of adjustment. It was sort of strange that my time wasn't entirely my own anymore, and that I had to share my living space so closely. My gf doesn't live with me technically, but she generally spends the night far more often than not.

What you need is a separate activity that you can do late at night. For me, the biggest problem was time. Make it clear how everythign goes, and give her a little consideration, and it will work out.

If it hasn't resolved itself after a month or so... you may be in trouble.

BTW, do something nice for her, randomly, once in a while. It sort of takes the friction out of day to day life. Flowers do the trick, but so do little notes, etc.

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Boston College - Big East -East Division Regular Season Champs

Worst to First in 2001!

[This message has been edited by haven (edited March 23, 2001).]

 

I wouldn't highly recommend this. The big problem is what happens if one of you has serious financial issues. My father had horrible money problems and basically bankrupt my parents without my mom even knowing because they kept their finances separate.

Additionally, it can create issues of "I make more than you do" or "you need to pay me back for dinner" or whatever. How do you share expenses if one can afford much more than the other, for example? If one of you makes $80K per year and the other $30K, how do you decide which house to buy - the $40K one or the $120K one? You can't split that bill evenly because your money isn't even. It can be far more confusing than just having a joint financial plan built on responsibility and trust.

I know quite a few people who have used the separate finances argument as a way to keep from committing fully. If your finances are separate, it can create the illusion that getting out of the relationship is easier, which is simply not true.

Believe me, my wife and I both have money issues and have had to work extremely hard on them. We share a business together so our finances are intertwined permanently. Sharing those things can either destroy a relationship or deepen it. It's up to you.

Obviously, you have to do what is best for you and you won't know until you try and make mistakes. That's just life. What Achebe does probably works. Everyone is different. Besides, if you live in Texas (a community property state), without a legal agreement (a pre-nup if you get married or some other agreement if you are just living together) for the finances, everything belongs to both of you no matter who makes what.

Best bet is to sort those things out early and honestly and avoid the problems before they start.

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"I swallowed a lot of agression...along with a lot of pizzas."

 

dc,

Don't do anything different. Be yourself, and allow her to be herself. If it doesn't work out, hell you found out before you got married.

My wife and I (married almost three years now) lived together for about 7 years before marrying. We were both just out of highschool and were happy to get out of our parents homes (not that we don't love them).

Our relationship seems odd to a lot of people. I don't "wear the pants" in the relationship, but neither does she. We both have the ability to allow the other to be free, because we both trust one another fully. Before we were married we never questioned where one of us had gone the night before. Sure, I wondered where she was sometimes when she didn't get home until late, but not because I didn't trust her, it was because I was worried for her safety. I never really worried that she was out cheating on me, because I guess I felt that if she did, then we werent' meant to be together. And, my wife never questioned me when I'd on occasion crash over a friend's house on a weekend or whatever.

Man, how'd I get off on this tagent, anyways. I guess that is the most important thing in a relationship: TRUST. You have to be able to trust each other. If the trust isn't there, then there's a reason.

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Jeff,

I no longer "believe in" Jeff. He has contradicted himself, therefore I choose not to acknowledge his existence (sorry, I just read the religion thread).

Unless I'm very much mistaken (Huge props to anyone who can name where that quote comes from), you used to not use the term "married" or "wife". Is this because you guys are now officially "married"? (If so, congrats) Or because you've decided using this labels was appropriate now? Just curious.

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DREAMer's Rocket Page

 

Don't argue over stupid things. Even if you know you are right, bow out of the argument gracefully without coming across as condescending.

When/if you are proven correct, don't act smug or self righteous.

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Unless I'm very much mistaken (Huge props to anyone who can name where that quote comes from), you used to not use the term "married" or "wife". Is this because you guys are now officially "married"? (If so, congrats) Or because you've decided using this labels was appropriate now? Just curious.

HUH??? My wife and I have been married for 5 years. I have referred to her as my wife ever since then.

The only thing I can figure is that you are confused by the fact that she chose to keep her maiden name when we married. She continues to use it to this day.

You were probably thinking of this post:

http://bbs.clutchcity.net/ubb/Forum8/HTML/000793.html

She continues to go by Ms. McPhail and I by Mr. Balke. My grandfather actually suggested that because we didn't have the same last name, it must mean we weren't married!

Hope this clears it up. You want a copy of the marriage licence???

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"I swallowed a lot of agression...along with a lot of pizzas."

 

I guess that post did influence my incorrect assumption. But, I coulda swore you called each other "significant other" or some other weird liberal label. Oh well, my mistake.

How long did y'all date before you got married?

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DREAMer's Rocket Page

 

We met in 1992 and started living together later that year. We got married in 1995. In fact, 3 days ago was the 9-year anniversary of our first date. On our first date, we saw Wayne's World and ate at Bennigan's.

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"I swallowed a lot of agression...along with a lot of pizzas."

[This message has been edited by Jeff (edited March 24, 2001).]

 

DREAMer,

Jeff is too nice of a person to bring this up...but I feel it is neccessary.

What is your obsession with finding faults and proving Jeff wrong? Is this a inferiority/confidence problem?

Understand, I am not playing a role of trying to be mean or picking a fight, I just find your behavior to be disturbing.

Jeff has clearly said "wife" over and over on these boards. Your attempt to denounce him was poor at best.

Anyway, I strongly suggest that you ponder this matter deeply, as you do not seem able to stop yourself. Maybe then you will be able to sort yourself out.


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Whitey will pay.

[This message has been edited by rimbaud (edited March 24, 2001).]

 

DREAMer... you do seem to focus on Jeff's personal life and beliefs quite a bit. That's kind of odd. Did Jeff shove you into a trash can back in high school or something?

Jeff, everything you said about the financial issues is of course true. I think that my financial arrangement with my "significant other" or my "wife" or as I like to call her... "Angela" (aka honey bun bun) probably works for us just b/c I had a very hard time dealing w/ money before I ever had any. When we first got married, I didn't recognize the fact that we had a ton of bills and would instead bring home my bounty of jars and jars of Nutella.

When she suggested that we separate our finances, I really found out how much (or more appropriately how little) money I made... and it pushed me of course to work harder and harder so that I could still buy Nutella. BTW, though we have separate checking accounts... I still pay for most everything, particularly all of the big things (mortgage, car, her new snowboard, etc.).

I do have to say that it's really cool though when she occassionally calls me up from work and asks me out to dinner. In that scenario, it's not so much of us debating as a team whether or not our group can buy something, she's just flirting with me and it feels great.

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heb,

Nutella!?!?!?!?

Man, that brought a smile to my face. I practically lived off of Nutella and baguettes while in Paris!

How did your obsession start?

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Whitey will pay.

 

breakfasts w/ Geraldine the girl who taught me to love.

Hey wait, she didn't teach me to love. She taught me how to curse in french. Silly me.

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