Here is the deal.... I am engaged to be married to my soulmate. I really do believe we are perfect for each other in every aspect. There is an age difference involved here: she is 31 and I am 22. She has been in two relationships separated by two years. She was with her high-shcool sweetheart for 12 years and then she was with her second ex for 1.5 years. She was single for 2 years in between those two relationships. When we began dating, the subject of past sexual partners came up and she asked how I felt about casual sex. I basically told her that I was against it. She said she was too although she had slept with her second ex the first night they went out. She said that she regretted it and would have acted differently if she could have. I told her that I had sex with two women before I met her. She was surprised. I was in a relationship the first time I had sex. The second time I had sex was with a girlfriend, but it happened only one time and it was real early in the relationship. I found out she had been cheating on me from day one a couple of days after we had consummated our relationship. We have been going out for 3 months now and the sex issue had never come up again until a couple of days ago. We were talking about her past and she let something slip. She mentioned that she had an abortion when she was 15. She didn't hook up with her first ex until she was 16. Therefore, there was someone she had slept with that she hadn't told me about. I was a little perturbed, but not mad. I told her, "I thought you had only slept with your two ex's, what's going on?" She got quiet and told me that she thought I would have thought differently of her if she had told me about her early start in that department. I told her I understood and wouldn't hold it against her, but at the same time I told her that I had been completely honest with her from the beginning about past partners. That made her feel bad. We continued talking on the subject and she was getting visibly upset. I asked what was wrong and she told me she was scared I was going to hold it against her and leave her. I had previously promised to her that the only way I would leave her is if she cheated on me. She knows I will leave her for no other reason. She also knows I am a big critic on the number of past sexual partners that my mate has had. She then began to tell me that she doesn't think there is anything wrong with sleeping with someone if you have been in a realtionship with them a month or two. I agree and I disagree. The reason I agree is because we had sex early in our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I wanted it, but I had initially told her that I wanted to wait for a while to make sure we were going to be together. I felt pressure from her because she kept telling me she had needs. We had sex with each within our first month together. Needless to say, I still think it was too early but it made our relationship stronger in my opinion. Now, to the issue I am facing. At the end of our conversation the other night (we had to cut it short...I had to go to work) she told me that if she had slept with more than the 3 people I knew about she doesn't think she would tell me because I would view her differently. She was obviously admitting to me that she had slept with more than the aforementioned 3 people. I cut off the conversation at the point because I really didn't want to pressure her about it. I told her that what happened in her past will not affect our relationship in any form or fashion. I promised her that. But over the last couple of days, I have been thinking about it alot. I am sticking to my promise that her past won't ruin our relationship, but I feel like she should be completely honest with me and tell me how many partners she has truly had in the past. I thought I would be able to forget about it, but my conscience has gotten the best of me. She had told me that she was celibate the two years in between her first two relationships, but I seriously doubt that for two reasons. Reason #1 is above and reason #2 is because her sex drive is pretty big. I hope I am wrong though. Am I being selfish in wanting to know? Do I deserve to know? Should I leave the subject dormant or should I delve into it once more? Is she right thinking that I will view her differently? I am scared to know! Help....give me some advice on the subject or let me in on some of your past experiences with this subject.
Right down my alley. If you don't know, it'll kill you. What you do is prepare yourself for a huge number, and when she tells you, you'll be relieved. I'm not sure you really have a right to know, but if she doesn't think you do, then she doesn't trust you, and that's not good for the long-term aspects of the relationship. Only you can answer how you'll feel...and unfortunately, you may not know that until she tells you.
Tricky situation. I agree with Rocketman95's advice... I think if you don't bring it up, it will just keep bothering you. However, I also think that you better be prepared for a huge number. Somehow, after reading your post, I think that if she comes out and tells you the real number, it will be a pretty high number. I really don't like how she first lied and then got caught and admitted a little bit. It sounds a bit like with those politicians, where the truth comes out bit by bit, it just makes things worse.
It sounds like what is really bothering you is her breach of your trust by lying to you about it in the first place. If you don't feel you can trust her then maybe you need to reevaluate your relationship with this woman. I had an ex who was married when I met her. She wanted out of that marriage...but then I came along and gave her the excuse she needed to actually leave. In the back of my mind I always wondered if she'd ever do it to me...one day she left. Part of it was because my behavior was different than it would have been under complete and total trust. Had I not started a relationship with her it would have saved me a TON of heartbreak later. That is the type of hurt that will never leave you. You will always have scar tissue emotionally. In short...if you don't think you can trust her...you really need to consider bolting.
Let me get this straight, you're 22 and you've been dating a 31 year old woman for 3 months and now you are engaged and you're asking the BBS if you're selfish by wondering how many people she's slept with or whether you even deserve to know. No offense Quicksilver but you need to slow things down. You obviously don't even know each other yet and you are moving at a ridiculous pace that is headed for disaster, even though you haven't had sex yet. It seems to me that it bothers you that she may have had a promiscuous(sp?) past. If it does bother you now, it easily and likely will in the future. You need to be honest with yourself before going forward with even dating this woman, otherwise you could end up hurting her and yourself.
I don't think the pace of the relationship has anything to do with it. I knew my wife for 2 months when we got engaged...but then again we were straight up with each other about everything. This is about trust...plain and simple.
Watch Chasing Amy for a view point on how to deal with a lover's past. Just don't pull a Holden if you really think she is your soulmate! B
I don't want to belabor my point but I have something I need to add. If her sexual past bothers you...that won't change. It will get worse. It could start to eat at you. That's no way to live your life dude. Also when I was 22...I thought I had found my soulmate every 6 months or so. Be not too fast to rush to judgment though. Make your decisions carefully and rationally.
Dude who cares ??? I mean it was before you hooked up......frankly it is none of your business. Heck, I am glad my wife never asked I have no idea......being a bartender at SWT for 6 years has a ton of privelidges and a very hazy memory. DaDakota PS. What you don't know won't hurt you........
I agree and disagree with DaDakota. With health issues being what they are (and I don't mean just STDs...many sex partners has been linked to cervical cancer in at least 1 study) it is a concern to you. Then again...I can't honestly say that you should be too worried about it. But since you delved into this topic with her it becomes a matter of trust and honesty. Make your decision wisely.
Ah-ha, another enlightened post from Stevie Francis... Seriously, Refman nailed it on this one.. When I was 22, I thought I was in love with the one every time I turned around. You really should take your time on this one, don't rush into something you will regret later. On the do you need to know issue..I would be less concerned with the number of past partners and more concerned about the lack of truth coming from her.. Good luck to you ..
If you are already having sex with her then who cares about her past? Health issues or no health issues, you've already passed the time when you should be concerned about that stuff. Now, if you actually believe that she might cheat on you, then get out. If you're already thinking THAT about your supposed 'soul mate', then make her your friend and GET OUT NOW. If you're not worried about her cheating, and you really do believe that she's the one, then stop worrying about it because your insecurities will just end up choking the relationship to death. Lighten up a bit. Personally, I think your too young to be getting married, but I don't know you or your circumstances, except for the narrative you've laid out in this thread. Good luck.
I think part of your worry comes from the fact that she wasn't totally honest with you, and the fact that she said that she wouldn't tell you if she'd had more than three partners, probably makes you worry about her future honesty. Of course you are nervous. She on the one hand saw that her past partners upset you, and she wants to hold on to you, so she doesn't want to tell you about her whole past. She doesn't understand that is making you more nervous. Your feeling bad about her honesty and openess with you which is manifesting itself in the past lovers scenario. It's obviously very scary when someone that you're thinking about spending the rest of your life with isn't totally open with you, and says they wouldn't be honest with you on that topic anyway. It's true that the past doesn't truly matter, and it wouldn't except the fact that trust is now involved and you wonder if you will be able to trust her. Maybe if she totally came clean and you could handle her having many partners knowing the past is the past, then things would be able to progress. But if you run around always wondering what she's doing, what she's done, what she might do etc. That's no way to live your life. I've been in a situation with some similarities before, so I kind of know the feeling. Good luck
Quick, 1. Rocketman is giving you good Advice. 2. HONESTLY I was releive that old girl said she started at a young age rather than being Molested at a young age [which may still be a possibility] 3. Show me a 31 yr old that only had sex with 3 folx. . . and I'll show u a woman been married 3 times. If she single for any significant amount of time. . she has had sex more than 3 times. *sigh* this is the part i HATE MY OPINION [just from my experience . . take it with the grain of salt . . and the fact i'm a bitter old man ] [Sorry dude. . . i changed my mind. . . i cannot do it] TRUST . . .this is not about sex. This is not about sexual partners [or not as much] it is about trust. HOW CONFIDENT ARE YOU THAT SHE WILL TELL THE TRUTH *THIS TIME*? What do you consider a HIGH NUMBER? Is their a DEAL BREAKER NUMBER? [if she says 50 will you walk?] I think u guys are rushing it. DaDakota, I think he deserves to know . . . he committing to her forever. Complete trust is more what this is about. Had she not lied. . it would not be an issue. Besides. He don't wanna be bumping into former lovers everywhere Rocket River "Bag lady . . . you got too much stuff" - Ericka Badu
You know, I thought I was in love when I was 22. He was a great guy with a fairly sheltered upbringing who was just a wee bit put off by my life "experiences". We decided to try and make it work anyway. Long story short, it worked. It's 10 years later and we're pretty darn happy. There is no such thing as a perfect person -- we've all got our dark sides. But if you honestly love her, what she did before she met you should not change the way you feel about her now.
The pace of the relationship has alot to do with it otherwise we wouldn't be discussing a couple that has been engaged for 3 months where one partner is having issues with the other partner's sexual past. The age difference has even more to do with it. You even said yourself that at 22 you thought you met Ms. Right every 6 months. His hesitancy about her sexual past is a huge sign about the lack of familiarity between the two. That coupled with the previously mentioned points has everything to do with why they need to take time out and get to know each other much more before continuing with their engagement. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if he's not 110% sure that her sexual past won't be an issue, then he's only fooling himself.
imo, your problem lies in more in the trust department than in the #'s department. then again, you said that you were only 3 months into the relationship. maybe you are capable of giving your trust 100% within that short a period of time, but it seems as if your partner is not. considering she is older than you, she has had a few more experiences than you (read: baggage). and she may have been through situations where men shunned her because of her sexual past. so it would make sense for her to be hesitant to give out that information - especially with someone she truly cares about and doesn't want to lose. my advice at this point: be patient. understand that no matter what her answer is, it is an answer that she feels may push you away. the # makes no difference. 4 or 40. doesn't matter. the best thing you can do is not bring it back up. leave that up to her. rather, continue to show her that you are there for her no matter what the situation(s) is/are. when she has a bad day and comes home b****ing incessantly, be there to listen...and be there afterwards...do...not...take...off...!!!! keep showing her that no matter what her dark sides are, you will be there for her. if you do that, her trust will be yours! my advice in the future: never ask that question and never discuss how many partners you've had. there is no good answer to a question like that. and really, what difference should it make? if she is your soulmate, are you telling me you'd pass on her if it were too many guys??? of course not! so why even ask? the same applies to yourself. don't volunteer it because it will never make the woman happy, either. either you're a male hoar/playa or you're wet behind the ears. there is no magic #.
Regardless of numbers, the best advice IMHO is just to take it slow...Don't let her rush you. Over time, the truth will come out. If you can trust her, time will tell. There is an old saying that time is a liar's biggest enemy...Take the past with a grain of salt...The time is now and if she is ready to be true with you, it will show... I intended to date my wife a long time to know she was my soulmate, before we got engaged...and I did (2 years) Now I definitely am not saying date 2 years, but use your best decision on a time frame, and talk with her about a time frame if you think it is best... Anyhow, hope it helps a little...
Well said RoxRan, I dated my wife for 5 years before we got married, and now we are on our 8th anniversary and I could not be happier. DD
