I never thought I'd be doing this, but I need some advice. Warning, this is LONG. First off, it isn't really relationship advice, I guess, since it's not a relationship yet. But, let me just give this background information and see what you think I should do. I've known this girl for about 3 months now, or since school started anway. We're both seniors, and she's in my Broadcast Journalism class. I knew of her before this year, but the school is so big that I'd never met her before and didn't really know her. I pretty much just thought of her as an acquaintance, until I guess about a month ago. My family decided to start going to church, since we only went occasionaly before. So, the first Sunday we go, she's the first person I see that I know, so we end up talking there for a little while. The next week goes by, and we talk a little more in class, but I really didn't think much of it. On the next Saturday morning, I go to City Hall to "Meet the City" to film a bunch of people that work for the city, for a video that I was asked to put together...anyway, she's there with her dad, who works for the Fire department, and she helps me out and everything. After I finished filming, I had planned on just leaving, but she invites me to come meet her dad, and I end up hanging out for about 2 hours, and we have a great time. Well, the next day (Sunday) was my birthday, and my bro-in-law threw me a little birthday party...and lets just say I wasn't really feeling well enough the next morning to get up, go home and to church. I feel kind of bad since I had told her I'd be there the day before, and maybe we could go do something afterward. But, I see her in class a couple of days later and it's all fine, since she actually ended up not going either. That whole class we sat back on the couch (it's a pretty laid back class sometimes) and talked the whole time, and really got to know each other. I end up eating lunch with her, and her sophomore sister and her friends...though I usually leave for lunch because I have a work period, and I can eat at home or pick something up. This ends up happening the rest of the week. Thursday that same week (about 4 weeks ago now), we eat lunch and everything, and she had taken my class ring to wear it, which was a $400 Christmas present last year. I went home, totally forgetting about it, and started freaking when I got home and realized I didn't have it. I finally remembered that she had taken it, so I figure this gives me a good reason to call her (already had her number, from the class phone list) later on. So, we end up talking, and I ask her if she's going to the HS football game (big game against North Shore, #1 in state) on Friday...she said that she had talked to an old friend that graduated earlier, but didn't know if he was going to make it. I called her back later that night, and she couldn't get a hold of him, so we could go together. That phone conversation was when it really clicked how much I liked her though. She was really upset, because she had gone to the FD meeting with her dad, and found out she couldn't do any training or anything until she graduates...she really wanted to start now, not as a career or anything, but just something to do through college, I guess. Anyway, she's crying about it for a while, and keeps telling me how much she knows I don't want to hear about her problems, etc.. I really didn't know how to respond, but I just kept saying 'no, it's okay'. A little later we end up talking about other things, including relationships and past relationships. Now, I have never been in what I call a serious relationship, just a few flings here and there. I've never dated anyone for more than a month or two. She tells me about her old boyfriend, who she broke up with last February, 3 days before their 1 yr anniversary, because he had cheated on her, and how much she hates him now. She's one of those people who always helps other people with relationships, always hooking up others before she thinks about herself, so she said it is hard for her to find someone. She actually got one of my best friends, and her best friend together, I found out that night...and they've been dating for over a year. Anyway, she starts talking to me about trying to hook me up with someone, and it really starts to confuse me...but she really got me to open up. I have always been a quiet and pretty modest guy, and I've never met anyone that I could talk to like her. We ended up talking for about 2 and a half hours, until about 12:30 that night. I kept telling her I wasn't tired, because I really wanted to keep talking. The next day comes, and I didn't see her at school because we have block scheduling, only have Broadcasting every other day. But, in one of my other classes, one of her good friends that I'm pretty good friends with tells me that she told him how much she liked me and he told me some of the conversations they had. After school, I meet her and her family to go eat, before the game. Her parents were really cool, except of course he dad (a pretty big intimidating man) gave me a hard time at first like just about any father does. So, we go to the game, and end up sitting with the couple of her best friend and my friend, and have a great time. Afterwards, we go cruising around in her truck, and go back to her house and just watch tv. I tell her that I had talked to her friend about us in class, and it kind of embarrasses her, but I was glad since now I thought we both felt the same way. The next night, I didn't get off work till 10, so we didn't have a chance to go out and do anything, but she invites me over to watch a movie. So I go, and even though the movie was pretty bad I don't think either of us really cared...I just wanted to spend some time with her. I see her at church the next morning, and afterwards she meets my family. After that, I don't know why, but it all went downhill. The next day in class, I could tell she was upset about something, and I actually had something to do so I really didn't get to talk to her until lunch after class. I told her I wanted to pay for her lunch, since her mom had bought my food on Friday. She just said No, and we went on to lunch and she hardly said a word. I call her the next night, and she says that she has an ear infection, explaining why she wasn't feeling well. She was like this all week, but I figured she just wasn't feeling well. I went out of town that Friday and Saturday for a college visit (about 2 weeks ago now), and called her that Sunday night. She said she was feeling better, but she was on the other line so I told her to call me back later. Well, she never called back, and the whole week at school it was like she was ignoring me. This depressed the hell out of me, and what made it worse was I had to go to work early on the days that I had been eating lunch with her. I had no chance to talk to her, and the couple of times I called her she only talked for a few minutes, and then would ask me if we could talk later. So now, I haven't called in about a week, and we've gone on with very little conversation when we see each other, mainly due to having projects to work on. Now, it's really uncomfortable when we do see each other...and I'm really not sure what to do. I honestly haven't been able to stop thinking about her for these past two weeks that we haven't really talked, and I'm not the type of person to dwell on things...but I can't let this go, I need some kind of settling...and I don't want to lose her as a friend because of this either. I really have no idea what happened. I've thought about seeing if she wants to go do something Friday, but I'm not sure if it will work since things have kind of fallen out. I really need some help on how to approach the situation we're in right now. Sorry for the long post, and thank you if you got through all of it.
Dude...that's a tough situation. She might have heard the myth that guys like girls who are "tough to get" and might be playin that kind of game, it also might be just really busy, or it could be that she doesn't want to pursue anything like that with you. Either way, don't give up. Make sure she is clear with you on what her feelings are before you give up. Good luck.
Well, if it is bothering you that much, it sounds like the least you should do is try to get her to admit what it is that changed her tune so fast.
Be honest. Tell her that you really care about her but you feel like something happened and you aren't sure what. Women very often want you to know what is wrong. They want guys to be intuitive about it. This is especially true in younger women. If you explain that you can sense that something is wrong and you want to help, it may help her open up. I also think it is good to be up front with things like the fact you haven't been in many reltionships. Sometimes, saying, "Look, I don't really understand relationships because I just don't have that much experience with them. But, because of you, I want to learn. You're just going to need to be patient with me because I'm going to make mistakes but it doesn't mean I don't care about you. I just need practice." Then, most importantly, learn. Don't keep making the same stupid mistakes. That gets annoying for anyone. Sounds like something happened but she doesn't want to tell you because she wants you to figure it out. That's where the awkwardness and avoidance comes in. At worst, she can shoot you down, but at least you can figure out why and what happened.
It all went downhill right after she met your family. Did something happen during that meeting? If not...the following is my advice: 1) Tell her how you feel. 2) Ask her why she so radically changed how she acted towards you. 3) Make sure she knows that even though you like her in a romantic way that if all she can offer you is friendship that you're cool with that. 4) If none of that works, forget about it. It would be something wrong with her...not with you. Sorry this has happened to you. Much luck...let us know how it turns out...we're rooting for you.
Actually, Refman that was a good post too, although Jeff always takes the cake with these things. I'd like to qualify the #3 in your post. You shouldn't say you're cool with being friends unless you mean it. Otherwise, if hypothetically, she said yeah, I'd like that, you'd have to pretend to be okay with something you're not, and that could create problems for the friendship. It's generally a good idea not to say something you don't mean (naw, really? ) I don't have much experience with women, so I'm inclined to say it varies by personality, but I agree with Jeff about how many women want you to pick up on things intuitively when there's something wrong. Don't be afraid to ask what's wrong. Just try to be rational and not get bent out of shape when you do.
My advice to you dude, is to just go up to her and tell her how you feel. It seems like she really likes you. Anyways, nothing is gonna happen if you stand back and wait for things to develope, believe me when I tell you this, I know. You know what you want, now it's time to find out what she wants. If your lucky, it will work out for the both of you. If things don't work out, maybe it wasn't meant to be. Seriously, if you really like this girl, and I mean that if you sit back and think about her and this girl just blows your mind, if she affects you in a way no other girl has before, then don't give up if things don't work out the first time you really tell her how you feel. By the way, you guys got along really well right. Here's what I think, her ex cheated on her and that must have obviously upset her. Maybe she likes you so much, she is scared that you might betray her in the same manner and you two won't be able to be friends anymore. Basically, she'd rather that you two remain good friends and not risk the nastiness that some relationships end in. I don't know, I'm no expert when it comes to relationships, what do you guys think of my assesment?
Excellent...you brought up an outstanding point that I didn't think of (cut me slack..it's late). Maybe her feelings do scare her and she is giving into flight in the fight/flight response. That could be brought on by her friend blabbing that she likes you. She probably didn't want you to know until you found out from her upon proper provocation. You need to talk to her about it.
After all the time you two spent together......movies...lunch...talking... You Never Made a Move on Her????? Thats your problem, you're getting stuck in the FZ, the dreaded friend-zone. When a woman is pulling away, don't ever get more serious, it will drive them away. Just relax, give it some time and don't put pressure on her, then the next time you two hang out alone...and when the timing is right....make your move!
Well to be honest with you I would not follow the sensitive advice stuff. I am 24 and have been in quite a few relationships, some long, some short, and I think if I could go back to highschool I would be more like Trent and less like Mike. Have you ever seen Swingers? You should. I can tell you where you made your mistake. If she had a boyfriend for a year, she is looking for a guy to come in and take over so that pang of hurt gets forgotten. You should have made your move during that movie. I take you probably haven't shagged yet, I don't mean with her, I mean ever. I'm not saying you should try to shag her this early, later, but not this early, I am just saying that I understand if you are a sincere person, and it sounds like you are, then sometimes it can be intimidating to make the first move. It is a hell of a lot easier to tell a girl you like her than it is to kiss her. But the funny thing is, girls get nervous and think too much if you just go around telling them how much you like them. A simple kiss, and don't over do it at first, can go a long way for breaking the ice and relaxing the girl. This also lets her know that you like her, and that you aren't afraid to take on the challenge of erasing that past idiot in her painful memory. The ex always has an advantage, like an incumbent president, but you can erase that advantage with a confident attitude and by not lying about what you want. For example, don't give me any of that "I don't want to lose her as a friend" ****. You have friends, they are the people you like but don't want to have sex with. You want this girl to be your lover. Don't forget that and don't be ashamed of that. You deserve it. Watch Swingers again and go to the part where Trent and Sue are telling Mike about his claws and fangs. That is what you need to hear right now. Otherwise... it is the friendzone for you.
Hint. Hint. This is one of things that you need to tell her, when you explain to her how you feel. Telling her this will be a big ego stroke for her and will help build her self confidence wrt dating you. You also need to be clear and confident about your desire to start dating her. You must not give her any mixed messages. You also must must ask her out on a specific date. If the conversation goes well, send her a dozen red roses the next day. Within the next week or two, I would recommend that you take her out to a nice, romantic restuarant, if you can afford it. On that date, I recommend showing up at her door with a single red rose. As an aside, she also sounds like she has some unresolved issues with her last boyfriend. She may blame herself for his cheating on her. She also may be punishing herself for the relationship failure, by not allowing herself to start a relationship with you. It is also possible (since she said how much she still hates the guy) that she is still in love with her ex. Given this, she may not be ready at this time for a relationship with you. Be prepared. She may tell you no, when you ask her out. There is a chance that she is saying no and meaning yes. If she does not tell you that she never wants to talk to you again, I would recommend waiting a bit before asking her out again.
I read somewhere that a kiss to a woman is the equivalent to scoring free Super Bowl tickets to a guy.
Then why do random women that i walk up to and kiss always slap me ?!?!? I mean damn, if a random woman walked up to me and gave me Super Bowl tickets, i wouldn't slap her.
Has anybody else noticed that the sensitive advice stuff is coming from married guys? Just an observation...
