We are made for each other, we could tell each other anything and know its ok. Lately I have been telling her how wrong she is on some things and 'she needs to just listen to me', ive been telling her what to do I guess instead of what built us up and believe in her ability to make her own decisions. I hate myself for it, and I had an outbreak one night and screamed at her beyond reality, I can't ever forgive myself for it. There's been times where I told her I just need to go for her own good but we make up and have a blissful time until it happens again. There's two kids involved by the way. I did tell her I'd never hurt her when we got together and I wouldn't judge her.. I've now hurt her emotionally and judged that she's doing some things wrong. But that's not me... after that night I blew up she told me she needs space and it's killing me because I've finally found myself again and its happened on the one time she doesn't want to fight to keep me anymore. She always asked me 'John why don't you ever fight for me, it was so easy to say you'll leave' and now im fighting all I can, and its to late i feel. So she's lost that security feeling she had in me to believe this relationship is different from the rest, that safe feeling knowing she's allowed to run to me and share her life with me in fear she'll be hurt in the end and the kids too. She wants to believe it will work but needs time to be sure. My last relationship when I was told we would be ok, she left for york and never came back. I love this woman with every once of heart i carry, and I love the kids. I was telling her what and how she needs to do things because I thought I was supposed to, we were about to get married.. I thought I was doing my job of looking out. I've done every bit of fighting I can to let her try us out one more time but she sticks to her guns she just needs to think, so I'm back at my place now.. the last two nights I've tried to convince her, she got mad because I told someone we broke up because she still feels we're together she just needs time to think. I've come to the conclusion that fighting and trying to convince her what separates us from the rest is were talking about the problem and I want to change.. But all I can do to prove I've changed is to stop telling her what to do (lets get back together, try us out one more time) but to let her decide on her own. Day by day I miss hearing her talk about her feelings, what she did, whats annoying her ect.. ect.. ect.. So I sit here crying out to clutchfans.. I can't even enjoy a rockets game, I feel sick to my stomach, I sit here~ I can't eat, I can't concentrate, Time goes so slow.. Only thing on my mind is how much I miss my family.. I can't even see the kids!!!!! All I hear is silence.. I just want my family back, Gosh I just want my family back already.. I want her to feel safe I want to be with the kids again and I'm freaked because what if now... my life is like this forever?? How do I live with myself anymore? I miss her.. I miss the kids, all three are my life.. my life~ they are it thats why I get up every mourning and go to work.. Now I can't see any of them and its my fault, I really tried to get it out of my mind.. I went out today and spent the day outside, its to no avail.. there my life and the beat to my heart, sitting here knowing i could be there.. knowing i should be there.. its killing me. I don't have friends, those three were my friends those kids and her.. were the only three i ever would and wanted to spend time with.. i never got sick of it. What do I do? What can I do? What should I do? we can't even talk, im just sitting here waiting now... <a href="http://img230.imageshack.us/my.php?image=familyun9.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/8180/familyun9.th.jpg" border="0" alt="Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us" /></a><br /><br /><a href="http://img604.imageshack.us/content.php?page=blogpost&files=img230/8180/familyun9.jpg" title="QuickPost"><img src="http://imageshack.us/img/butansn.png" alt="QuickPost" border="0"></a> Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!
If you really have changed and aren't just saying that to get her back, and you have "changed" for yourself, and not for her, then you have a shot, but if your intention at changing was just to get her back, it's never going to be lasting change because well, it's your intentions that matter. But, let's say you have changed, and it's for yourself, with good intentions etc etc, then you have to sorta do something not to show her that you've changed, cause that comes with time, but you have to show her how much you want her. To tell you the truth, damage is repairable, but it all depends on how much the two parties want to repair the damage, it won't work with half a**ed effort.
thanks for your inspiring words.. I do want to change I have, lots of times i told her i need to go.. inside i was scared i would hurt her. It took the one time for me to really hurt her to realize I don't need to fear that, I don't have to be on edge about that because I can't do it again. I want to be her #1 supporter cause she is smart in her un-orthadox ways.. Everyone can tell her she's doing it wrong, because she does things differently.. thats one of the things i loved most. My angel must feel like her #1 supporter gave up on her when I told her she needs to just stop thinking for herself because its all wrong, me saying that because I was told I was wrong (and bought it) that-thats how you be the 'man' or the 'husband'. for anyone reading this, it isn't. I don't know how I can repair her, I want to heal her but I can't its something out of my hands.. I sit, i hear silence as I understand who 'was' my life and now i have 'none' because i dedicated it all to them. I tried to go out today, what i missed most was soccer with the kids and the big smile on her face.. feeling spiritually connected with all 4 as if the world revolves around us. Im so.. im a wreck
You're angry, my friend. Go see a councilor who can help you sort things out. Nothing wrong with that. And nothing wrong with better living through (prescribed) chemistry.
Although you probably don't want to hear this, you have to learn to live with yourself before you can actually be with someone else. You basically need to learn how to make yourself happy (not in the sexual way), but quick question, where is she now? If all else fails, go to Hulu, and watch some Arrested Development. Just take your mind off things for a while, cause right now, any decision you make will be stilted because you're not thinking rationally, and rational decisions are always the best one's.
Some questions that I may have not understoond from your post: How long have you been seeing her? Are the kids yours or from a previous relationship? How long has this separation been going on? How frequently do you speak to her right now?
First step for you is to move on and let go. You can't change overnight, it takes years of counseling and hard work to truly change. Once you do change, you might realize, that you are not compatible with her.
Are you sure you were right? Truth is not universal, she has her own point of reference. Was it an issue important enough to risk the effects of scaring her, losing her trust and crushing her ego? Were her kids involved? Because you will never get between a momma and her kids. If she now sees you as potentially violent and a possible threat, you may be done. If this rift is going to heal, time is #1 factor. You have to apologize for what you are truly sorry for, but you can't come with a lot of BS or promises you can't keep. All you can offer is true forgiveness, true repentance, strength, commitment, and consist behavior from this point. Give it plenty of time and patience (don't be an overbearing a**hole). If you do that, she will probably come around. If she doesn't, learn your painful lessons and move on to be a better person next time. You always have to pick your battles and measure you response. You have to let her make her own mistakes as long as they aren't permanently damaging. You have to make suggestions not dictate actions. You have to, calmly, explain your reasoning and ask for hers (no matter how ridiculous you know it is) Mature relationships are a b****. Good luck, that's a beautiful family worth the effort.
Mrs. G and I have a pretty strong marriage, but we went to a conference in early October put on by Family Life Ministries. It was greatly beneficial and you two will find hope and resources there if that's what you want. I looked at your profile and can't discern where you live, but maybe you can get to a conference. It is designed for pre-marrieds, newlyweds, post-honeymooners and empty-nesters. We had almost 300 couples at our conference and they ranged from pre-marrieds to one couple who have been married for over 50 years. http://www.FamilyLife.com/weekend I was having lunch with one of my friends the other day and he said that he and his wife fight "a lot" but they fight about the issues and never draw it into a personal attack. Disagreements are natural because you have two people instead of one and demands pulling each of you in a dozen different ways. Most of the time, women just want you to listen with empathy rather than fix or correct them. They are smart enough to make things better for themselves when they need to... One of the resources we purchased was a five-disc set on marriage by Dr. Emerson Eggerich called "Love and Respect" (The love she deserves. The respect he needs). You can get it at http://www.LoveandRespect.com More than anything, women want to know they are loved and cared for while men want to know they are respected more than loved even. From my experience and learning, almost any marriage can come back from almost any conflict or set of conflicts if resources and support are available. It takes work and one can't be guided by one's feelings at any point in time because those are fleeting. Just go.
I really like what giddyup said especially "Most of the time, women just want you to listen with empathy rather than fix or correct them"! From what you have said, all you've been trying to do lately is "fix or correct" her. We all have different ways (and reasons) of doing things. If things get done safely and legally, there's no right or wrong way. The reason "We could tell each other anything and know its ok" is probably because you weren't judgemental of each other's comments. Now you're being judgemental of what she's telling you. Why should she tell you something knowing your response is going to be negative. "She's lost that security feeling she had in me." You bared your feelings on the BBS because you wanted AND EXPECTED some positive responses and you've gotten some good ones. She deserves the same from you. You have some good responses on the board, use them! Also you might want to consult your religious leader and/or a therapist. When my wife and I were having problems, we saw a therapist individually and together. She once told me that she was impressed with my openness in our sessions, because men are reluctant to about feelings to strangers. You have my total respect for opening up on this board. Good luck!
Come on dude, that's seriously inappropriate on this thread. The OP decided to open up about his relationship issues and you say that crap.
I agree but dicks will be dicks so I accept it, i'm just glad I don't know people with that low of character personally. I can't thank you all for advice, tomorrow I'll be going to see the kids when she heads to work since I'm off. I'll be leaving this letter to her: I miss you and the kids terribly. However, with you needing space, and this experience of us not being physically together, it has really made me see a different perspective of things. I've realized that throughout our relationship I have spent every waking moment thinking, breathing every breath, and wrapping my life around you and the kids. You have been in my mind, taking up every space of thought, making me question, "Who am I, without you guys--my family?". I never realized how fragile my heart was or how it would feel if I lost you all -- just like that. It's devastating because you and the kids ARE my life and I took it for granted. With you wanting your space I've decided I need to also have some space to find myself and another outlet. This has crushed my soul, not being around you all. Through the pain and looking back and asking myself what went wrong, I see how much I suffocated you and even controlled you. I was a shadow that followed you around. You couldn't do anything, not even go to the bathroom, without me hovering over you and that was unfair to you, I found myself to be over controlling. I even checked your text, that was just wrong of me! I was so nosy that you couldn't even get on the computer without me looking over your shoulder. You couldn't do anything without me being 3 inches away. I am so sorry that I suffocated you, not allowing you room to breathe. If we would "work out", I give you my word I will change in that way. Right now, I have to change to save my own soul, my own self, because I am sick to my stomach with the idea of losing you and the kids. I can't hardly eat, I can't hardly sleep, and I can't hardly function. I can't let this happen to me again, so therefore I have to find "something" and the best thing I can think of right now is my career in flying. I need to continue to progress and not settle in this avenue. It needs to fill up my mind and my time. My whole purpose in my life is to give you your dream, whether it be to be a housewife and mom or whether you want a career, I want you to feel you can come to me for anything, and I want you to feel you can share with me anything. I know it is not my position to tell you what is right or wrong and therefore I want to be a better listener. If you want my opinion I'll give you my thoughts, but I want to be a better "friend" besides partner than I have been in the past. I want to be able to take care of you and our kids--my family to my personal expectations. More than anything, I want to give you all a beautiful home and a lifestyle where we can have fun and make family memories constantly. I want to be able to send my kids to college so they won't have to struggle like me. This is what has made me different, this is who I am, this is my dream. I am not excusing me for suffocating and hurting you as I did, but I thought that was what I was "suppose" to do. "When you love someone you want to spend every moment with them", kind of thing. When I really sat down and started thinking seriously about marriage, I started becoming insecure with myself, afraid of being a failure. This is when I started really suffocating you and seemed to be more controlling. Though we weren't married I already felt I had failed at being a good partner. Whatever you decide I will respect and support you. If you continue to feel you need space, I understand. Things have changed though. I know that I won't be spending the kind of time at the house that I did before, therefore that would give you space. I am so sorry!!! I love you so much I'll leave that tomorrow, this process is so hard guys.. she's such a great person inside, smart and one of a kind. Whoever said I was angry is wrong, I'm not angry at anyone but me, she hasn't done anything wrong thus I have nothing I can hold a grudge over.
Do you think she will appreciate being "replaced" by flying? While I applaud the general tone of your letter, I'd pull back on this part... Let us know how it goes. I think she'll love your effort here (except for the flying bit-- maybe I'm over-reacting...)
I second this recommendation as it's an excellent and insightful series both for couples to work with and for singles who want to improve deeper lasting relationships. There are some Biblical concepts involved, but the general themes can be targeted for all groups.
ego much? This sounds like a drunken rant. Shorten it up, take out at least half of the I's. Apologize but be stronger, this sounds weepy and wimpy.
