Tequila makes you throw up. There's a reason for that 12 rounds with Jose Cuervo song. When mixing a drink, generally try not to fill a cup with 3/4ths tequila. That is all.
You my friend are a huge Vag Niner! I can put you on a special workout program that will have that liver and stomach made out of pure scar tissue so you won't be bothered with girly things like vomit or hangovers. Four week program for iron liver: 6:00 AM Run to the Gym, hit the weights, shower, eat breakfast, morning coffee with 2 ounces Bushmills, go to work. 9:00 AM Time for second coffee, this time its more like a Bushmills with one ounce coffee. 11:30 AM Lunch. Now it is time to diversify and go for Martini's or Wine depending on what you are eating and where you are eating it. Try for three but start with two. 2:00 PM Time for the first shot of Tequila. Why? Because that cute girl you have been wanting to talk to all month is wearing those tight black pants and today is the day you tell he she looks like Mena Suvari or insert name of closest famous girl she looks like (and it better not be Celine Dion). Attempt to get number, if you have been hitting the gym before your morning bushmills like instructed you will probably be successful because girls are just as shallow as we are. 5:00 PM go home, have a nice bloody mary made with Skyy to relax. Take a nappy poo. 8:00 PM Rested up and almost sober, it is time to drink 24 ounces of aquafina with a packet of twang. We want to be realistic here. You have to stay hydrated, the water and electrolytes will do the trick. Now you are feeling like a champ. Shower up, use the clinique face soap and the lab series moisturizer. Put on some slick duds, call up Z Boys, and pick a place to go tonight. Then settle down with a nice Johnny Walker Black and water, and don't use tap water with your Johnny Walker Black. 10:00 PM Hope you had a good dinner in there somewhere. Time to meet up with the boys. Now is the time to think about pace. You don't want to start taking shots immediately. Shots are for when you are trying to get the girl drunk before closing time or for when you see your ex making out with your brother. Try a couple Rolling Rocks, or a Light Beer. These can rehydrate you after all the liquor you have been drinking while priming you for your buzz. If you start drinking too much too soon you will be the drunk idiot at the bar. For the first week of the program you will be the drunk idiot at the bar anyway. Make sure you have some good friends with you. 12:00 AM Time to order the Money Drinks. I am talking about Martini's, scotch and water's, jack and cokes for you youngins, or occasionally a screwdriver is okay. Just don't let me catch anyone with a rum and coke... that is for the girls boys. They ought to just make them pink. 1:30 AM You better have made eye contact by now because now it is getting crunch time to buy her a drink. Give it a shot, there is always tomorrow night.... what is tomorrow....Tuesday? 3:00 AM You might be together, you might be alone, but you are home, unless this is the weekend. Anyway it is time to hit the pedialyte. I suggest one half bottle, and a good turkey and cheese sandwich would do nicely to cushion the belly and provide a little protein. Slip into bed and look forward to that morning Bushmills.
