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No Title; Inside the Ink; Another Man's Lane

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by SK34, Jul 5, 2012.

  1. SK34

    SK34 Member

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    Hey Guys, I just wanted to share some of the things I've wrote in my life. I was hoping y'all can give me some good critique on these pieces. I do not know what type of writings it is but I just wrote. They are 3 different ones I've wrote. The Inside the ink and another man's lane things have actually happened to me. Anyways, Please be honest and tell me how they are and what can I do to improve them. Thanks.

    No Title..

    Sitting here listening to music.
    Each song motivates me differently
    I've been through so much, no matter thick or thin
    I smile on the outside, but its all so gloomy inside
    Want so much from life, but its getting too hard
    can i go through it? maybe so, I don't know
    at the end of it all, what will be my reward
    I remember the times when we just played with the Yo Yo's
    It was easy, and had no worries
    But what can we do, life is all about the journeys
    Now the Pressures building up
    Expectations are rising up
    I'm not gonna lie, now i'm scared
    What if i don't succeed?
    What if all my hard work don't pay off?
    What if i'm not working hard enough?
    What if I don't get in a good college?
    That would break my moms heart.
    sometimes i wish i was einstien smart
    but im not, i'm me and i'mma let it be
    I'm done, and tired of being scared
    Its time for me to rise and come out the shell

    Another Mans Lane..
    never expected this to happen to me
    can't believe i made it out safely.
    so i was driving out my neighborhood,
    a dude prolly had an unsound mind, was drunk and in a bad mood.
    started driving towards me in my lane, hit the brakes
    started screaming like i did something but i ain't do nothing.
    in his eyes, he looked like he wanted to clock me
    i said my bad, but he ain't move his car, i was scared.
    All of sudden, he pulled out his handgun,
    i thought he was bout to shoot, so i took some action.
    Then i realized that what if i did die,
    would anyone remember me, and cry?
    did i do anything for anyone to remember me by?
    nope, all i did was let my life flyby.
    the reminder was neccessary to me, now i know that life isn't guaranteed
    what has to happen will happen, God has already planned it.
    but we make our own life what it is.
    LIve life, enjoy life, life can be taken away any time.
    but don't forget to do right, don't always drink and smoke some mary jane
    or you'll end up like the drunk dude on another mans lane.

    Inside the Ink..
    sitting here, with pen and paper, reminiscing
    but thats sad, the past has already gone, why remember it?
    the futures away, why worry about it.
    lets live the present and enjoy it.
    but in reality its hard, thats y i stick to dreaming.
    when i awake, i work to achieve it.
    it won't happen if you won't believe in it.
    everythings a race, so tie your shoelace and go for it.
    your born, you live, you grow, you die
    before the end, you better learn to fly
    break free of the stress and be worry free.
    but we can't, trust issues and all, leading us to worry.
    who are our friends?, who are our enemies?.
    are the they same people? God, that is so Vague.
    don't look down upon me, do you know the **** that happened to me?
    No. so chill out..yea i lie, i cheat, i steal, ive done a lot of these things
    but you acting like you aint never done none of these things.
    did you know, that i also spoke the truth, helped the old, and did a lot of good things?
    Dont Judge, unless you walked in my shoes even a mile.
    before i signoff, i would like to Thank God
    for this life, and keeping me alive till now.
    in 2 weeks span a lot of **** has gone down.
    2 weeks ago, a ***** pointed a handgun.
    2 days ago, a ***** showed me a gun, and robbed me
    yea this world is crazy, and nothing really comes easy.
    but work to survive *****, don't steal what the other *****s got.
    you took my phone homie, o well, thats not my life
    your future ain't bright, while my goals are on my sight.
    you gonna be in jail, while imma be chilling in city called Glendale.
     
    4 people like this.
  2. moonsh0t

    moonsh0t Member

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    I don't have a literary mind so I'll leave the critiquing to others. Repped for sharing though. That takes some balls.
     
  3. ballerboy001

    ballerboy001 Member

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    I need to know your sexuality before I can comment. lol. Just kidding.

    I read another man's lane. Interesting. As said before, kudos on sharing. Takes balls to put yourslef out there like that.
     
  4. SK34

    SK34 Member

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    What it gotta due with sexuality?
     
  5. droxford

    droxford Member

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    Your grammar sucks.
     
  6. ballerboy001

    ballerboy001 Member

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    It's a joke... remember the Frank ocean thread?
     
  7. Yung-T

    Yung-T Member

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    Good stuff man.
     
  8. SK34

    SK34 Member

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    I don't think you need to have a literary mind. Thank You though.
     
  9. SK34

    SK34 Member

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    I agree, my grammar does suck. Maybe I wasn't aiming to be grammatically correct.
     
  10. SwoLy-D

    SwoLy-D Contributing Member

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    I will agree with Señor droxford.

    At least write proper English if prose. :( It loses so much of its meaning, don't you think?

    I am being serious: refine your grammar.
     
  11. SK34

    SK34 Member

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    Lol yea I remember. I didn't see the jk part on the first comment cause I was reading too fast. Thanks man.
     
  12. SK34

    SK34 Member

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    Thanks bro.
     
  13. SwoLy-D

    SwoLy-D Contributing Member

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    Also, please shorten the height of your signature... so we don't have to scroll through your threads so much. :cool: Line up those names next to each other with commas, dashes, semicolons, etc., in the same line... that will make it look better and take up less space. It seems like we're reading your signature much more than the thread's content.
     
  14. SK34

    SK34 Member

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    Thanks man. I really wasn't thinking about grammar at the time I was writing. These are actually 6-8 months old. I stopped writing but I want to start again and was wondering what to do to make it better. Thank you, I will try my best.
     
  15. SK34

    SK34 Member

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    Done.
     

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