Friend of mine just emailed, he has to MC his sister wedding reception this weekend and is really struggling for Jokes to use..... so hit me with all your wedding/marriage jokes now!!!!
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But, who wants to live in an institution!? Sorry, that's all I got.
I was trying to think of a joke for today, but whatever I said would never be as funny as what my sister will see on the wedding night.... I guess wedding jokes aren't my thing...
Q: What's the first thing a new bride should do after getting out of the battered women's shelter? A: The f*cking dishes if she knows what's good for her. Or, if you want something slightly tamer... Q: How do you catch a unique bride? A: Unique up on her.
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that... Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five whole minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. Section 1.01. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So this is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin. Section 1.02. I will never ask for more foreplay. Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia. Section 3.01. I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom. Section 3.02. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot. Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Section 4.01. I will never, ever give your penis a cute nickname. Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning. Section 5.01. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. Section 5.02. I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy. Section 5.03. I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar. Section 5.04. I promise to shave every possible inch of my body, and will always love your weekend beard... Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men." Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything mechanical. Section 7.01. With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets. Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract. Signed _____________________________(female) Date _______________________________
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers. A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred. Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Doesnt she look beautiful in that white dress everyone? Well my new brother in law is gonna give her a new white necklace later tonight to go with it.
tell him to announce to the crowd for all her ex-boyfriends to come up and bring back their copies of the her house key. just pick out some random dudes and put them in on it. make sure you pick out an old guy too. trust me, it's hilarious.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?
I would just tell him to emphasize just how important one's first marriage is, and how he wants to make that first one special for all involved.
