Background: I'm currently engaged to a wonderful woman named Jennifer. We've been dating for 2+ years, and will be married over Christmas in 2002. We're both planning on attending law school, together. She's brilliant, shares almost all the same interests (books, basketball, football, political science, she even likes a few video games). She's quite attractive, but in an ordinary way (that's not a euphamism for plain, other guys are envious). I'm taking a core class that I just never got around to taking earlier, now that it's my senior year. There's this freshman that's completely fallen for me. She's absolutely GORGEOUS, like nobody I've ever dated before. She's smart, if a little naive. And she thinks I'm the smartest, most interesting guy she's ever met. She's from Texas as well, so I think she's using me to abate her homesickness a little, since she really misses Houston. She also knows I want to go to Texas law school, and her eyes practically lit up when I told her that. I'm absolutely sure she's interested: she's been laying it on a bit thick. Now, I'm not asking if I should cheat. That would be wrong, and I am DEFINITELY NOT going to do it. But I can feel that the temptation, and that bothers me. After all, I'm in love with Jennifer. I shouldn't be feeling any temptation for someone else... right . In all the time Jenni and I have been together, I've never even looked at another girl that way. Oh, I've thought "wow, she's hot!" but never in a considering way. And I know it's not just that this girl is interested... I've specifically known via mutual friends that other girls have been interested too. Is there something wrong with me? Or have you people with successful marriages felt the same way before? I don't want to do Jennifer the disservice of marrying her if I'm either not ready or not worthy of her love.
haven: What you are feeling is flattery and a fairly serious boost to your ego. It is understandable. The reason most older men fall for younger women is exactly what you are describing - They look good. They are kinda smart, but naive. They look up to you and your intellegence and experience. Let me be the first to say that this will ultimately present two problems: 1. She will grow up and become more experienced. Her admiration for you will wear off OR she'll just be stupid. Either way, you are stuck with a person who isn't that interesting or interestED when you really want to share your time with someone you care about deeply. 2. You'll end up wishing you had your companion, your best friend. Nothing can replace that. Absolutely nothing. It doesn't matter how she looks. Attractiveness is subjective and as Marilyn Monroe said, "Men grow cold as girls grow old and we all lose our charms in the end." What lasts is your partnership and the chemistry you have with the one you love. You are smart not to cheat, but don't feel bad that a little ego stroking from an attractive younger woman makes you feel good. It should. Just don't get carried away with yourself.
First, what a difficult question to pose on a public forum such as this... How much of this is motivated by ego? By that, I mean how much of your interest or positive thinking about the freshman is dependent upon all the attention she is showing you, her reverence, etc.? Pehaps the fact that you have not had such an onslaught since you have been "tied up" has added appeal? In general, though, of course there are always women who will be beautiful and some who may be interesting. I cannot really say, though, that anyone has caused me to reconsider my wife (pre or post marriage). There have been connections, but I have never seen them as more than friends and the physical attractions always stay superficial. Temptation, though, should be fine...of course, I generally see that in a physical sense. You seem to impy more...but that would not be "cheating" as much as it would be starting a new relationship, right? Are you having concerns about not being ready for marriage? You are still young and have not been with Jennifer that long, perhaps that is playing into it. I certainly do not think there is anything wrong with you, you are probably just flattered, physically atracted, etc. If, however, anything makes you doubt if you are ready for marriage, then perhaps you should examine why. Is it fear, uneasiness, restlessness, etc. - that kind of thing. Oh well, I am great help, I can tell.
Actually, it's really the only place outside of my sister I feel comfortable about asking it. Most of our friends at college are friends with BOTH Jenni and I, so I couldn't talk to any of them about it. I've got a couple of really close buddies back home, but they seem to always give me advice that's... a bit overly nice to me, you know? I know some of you will tell it like it is. It's looks/freshness. This girl's really one of those people that you see walking down the street, and think "Wow, she must be a tv star, I just can't place her." This is very superficial. I have no plans to cheat. It's just, I caught myself thinking about what it would be like, and I was shocked at myself? No plans for a new relationship either. The question isn't "should I" but rather "why did I have these thoughts?" I didn't have any doubts about being ready at first, but a lot of my closer friends are skeptical. Objectively, I think that Jenni and I would probably wait longer in a perfect world, but I'm afraid that going to different grad schools, etc would push us apart arbitrarily. Also, if I go to Texas, I have family in Austin, and we COULD NOT live together. Ultimately, I don't think this is an issue, however. Thanks for the advice. I really hated posting this, since it made me look melodramatic, childish, and unable of dealing with my personal concerns... almost cloying. But sometimes I think that knowing if other people in similar situations have felt the same way is reassuring (or the opposite).
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being "tempted." It's pretty much normal, and it won't be the last time. Most people go through something like that somewhere along the way, I'm convinced. I say you're doing better than a lot of people by recognizing the situation and determining that you're not going to mess up what you have. To me, as long as you maintain the "I'm not going to do anything" approach, you've not done anything to make yourself unworthy of Jennifer's love. Perhaps this situation will tell you if you're really ready for the commitment of marriage.
Haven, I don't poke around this forum very often, but I'm glad I did. It took a lot of guts for you to be honest enough to ask for advice, and the BBS Brothers have doled out some pretty good stuff so far. I've been married to the same lady maybe for more years than you are old-34 to be exact!! Put it this way, I was a fan of the San Diego Rockets before they moved to Houston...when Pat Riley was a Rocket's first round draft choice (marginal player, great coach). It's good that this happened to you BEFORE you get married, 'cause it's gonna happen a gazillion times afterwards. It's perfectly normal to find another woman attractive, and Jennifer will do a quid pro quo (since you're heading to law school). But if you are REALLY tempted to cheat, you are not ready to commit to marriage. Just step back, take a breath, and figure out who it is you want to come home to every nite. It better be someone who wears well, and someone you can talk to about anything...as well as being your lover. It's about shared values...and being soulmates. Those are the things that hold a marriage together. Dallas Rocket
haven, where do you go to school? just curious. I'm hoping to possibly begin UT law school in the fall of '03 [if I get in]. . . . . . maybe I could take the freshman off your hands for you.
Wow, dude you're getting excellent advice! It's so funny too, because as soon as you "fall in love" with someone, here comes the knockouts.....great for the ego (hey, we're guys and occassionally need a strokin'), but when you start comparing apples to applies reality sets in and you realize that it's best to stay with who you know and can trust. 12 years for myself and counting! Welcome to the brotherhood in advance, haven.
I can't give any advice haven, but I can tell you what happened to me. I got married when to a girl, by the way you describe her, was a lot like your fiance. She was smart, I always felt like I could be myself around her, in other words we just clicked. I was in the military and we lived in San Diego. Their were tons of hot chicks around but I was never interested, I was madly in love. Three years later my enlistment was up and we moved back home to Houston so I could begin attending school and she could finish. I was older than most, if not all, the other people in most of my classes. I don't need to go into the details of how or why, but eventually I started talking/flirting with this little 18 year old beautiful girl in my my Algebra class. I, like you, am not a cheater so the relationship never got past that but not for lack of trying on this girls part. Before I know it, I find myself reconsidering my marriage and wondering if I've made a huge mistake by "settling" for this "average" woman. Eventually I decided to seperate from my wife and try to play the field. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made. I quickly realized that the grass was not greener on the other side and tried desperately to get my wife back. It didn't happen, she was to hurt. I don't know if I thought I could just go back to what I had if things didn't work out or what, but I was very wrong. Their isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her, and if I had a chance......well what does that matter I don't. So there you go, take it don't take it. But to quote Silent Bob on this one, "There's a million fine looking women in the world dude, but they all don't bring you lasagne at work. Most of em' just cheat on you"
haven- Being my baseball sim commisioner, I feel as if I have a special bond with you, and I need to impart this wisdom from the movie "Clerks". "There's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you." - Silent Bob. Also, "Salsa shark. We're gonna need a bigger boat. Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa, shark's in the salsa." - randal "It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination." - random broad
Htownhero: Man, that was brave to say. There are so many guys out there who go through the same thing. We men have a tendency to get totally suckered in by our own egos and our lives run by our privates. It's sometimes amazing we can accomplish anything.
