I just graduated from law school on Saturday and a bunch of my friends and family sent me some lawyer jokes. Here is what my 81 year old grandmother emailed... Lawyers should never ask anyone a question if they aren't prepared for the answer, especially when the question is asked of a Southern grandma. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly woman to the stand. Unfortunately, she was also a grandma. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair." So hit me with your best lawyer joke. I deserve it!
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. "I was a good father," he answers. "Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance." St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."
Two attorneys are doing their monring run down an isolated beach. They pass a beautiful girl, lying on a towel, completely naked. They run on past her and one attorney says, "Hey, let's go back and screw that girl." The other attorney says, " Screw her out of what!"
Only in Texas...A Whole 'Nother Country. A New York City lawyer ran a stop sign on a rural Texas road and was immediately pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thought that he was far smarter than any deputy in a cowboy hat, and was certain that his education exceeded that of a South Texas deputy. So, in anal retentive Yankee fashion, he decided to prove this to himself and have some fun, at the ignorant deputy's expense. The Deputy: "Your driver's license and proof of insurance, please." Lawyer: "What for?" Deputy: "You failed to come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer: "For your information, I slowed down, looked and no one was coming." Deputy: "You still failed to stop completely. Your driver's license and proof of insurance, please." Lawyer: (with a smirk) "What's the difference, cowboy?" Deputy: "The difference is you must stop completely. It is Texas Law. Your driver's license and proof of insurance, please!" Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license, proof of insurance AND registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me a ticket." Deputy: "Fair enough. Exit your vehicle, sir." At that point, the deputy removed his night stick from its holster, and began beating the crap out of the surly lawyer. Deputy: "Do you want me to stop...or slow down?" ------------------------ Racist/Stereotypical/etc. (you've been warned ): Spoiler A farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, " How can I help you?" The farmer said " I want to get one of those dayvorces". The lawyer said " Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, " Yes, I got 40 acres." The lawyer said, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?" The farmer said, " Yes, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundays." The lawyer said," No, no, I mean , do you have a case?" The farmer said, " No, I ain't got a case, buts I got me a John Deere." The lawyer said, "No I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yes, that is where I parks the John Deere." The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up? The farmer said, No, we both get up at 4:30". The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger? The farmer said, "No she's a little white gal but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce". Ouch. -------------------------- Last one, before I leave work: "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" - George Burns
Some preachers were having lunch one Monday, and one of them said, "I made a terrible mistake in my sermon yesterday. I meant to say, "The devil is the father of all liars," but I actually said, "The devil is the father of all lawyers." When his friends asked how he handled the situation, he said, "I started to go back and correct myself, but, since it was true anyway, I let it go."
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch. 1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer. 2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply. 3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying. 4. There are some things even a rat won't do.
Congrats Mulder! If you're taking the February bar, here's a few survival tips. First, always remember that most people pass. Second, if you do things right, studying will be much more grueling than the actual exam. Third, it's going to suck. Imagine all the suffering of law school crammed into three days of testing. But you'll get through it (remember, most people pass!) and passing will make it all worth it.
I'll add this: treat it like a job. work 8-5 on it. then stop. give yourself the evenings to relax. when i took the bar it was also a feb bar exam. they did it in pasadena. my wife was pregnant and was due the first week of march...but it was clear the baby was coming early. i went to stay in a motel in pasadena and our rule was she couldn't call me...she's not a good liar so she wouldn't be able to fake how she was doing...and then i wouldn't be able to concentrate. on day 2 of the exam, she went to the doctor and he told her if she wanted to wait until i got home, she needed to lay on the couch and not go anywhere. i finished the exam...called home and said, "am i a dad yet?" her response was: "no, but you better hurry home!!" three days later my first child was born. now that's a busy week.
wish i could, but i have to keep working to pay the bills. will work 8-5 during bar bri and going there at night 6-9 and then once bar bri is over work 8-12 and study the rest of the day. they ran out of room in pasadena so i got moved to austin for the bar exam... week away, no distractions so it is probably for the best. I have been attending saturday sessions that go over the multistate multiple choice stuff since september so I am good there as well. thanks for the well wishes.
I remember that story like it was yesterday. I makes the two day drunken stupor I gave myself after the bar pale in comparison.
Remember my last final? I loaded up on classes to finish early, so had to take Fed Tax on the makeup day....December 22, I think. Everyone else in there was taking a 3 hour exam...I took a 4 hour. The lady administrating the tests told me to turn the lights off when I was finished! I literally got to turn the lights off on my law school experience. And then it was off to Texadelphia for lunch and some sort of sports discussion with you.
