As mentioned in the copy and paste thread, the text below was for a contest about who could come up with the lamest metaphor. Let's see what we can come up with! 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. 18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. 26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. 27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. 28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Those are comedy gold, but I'll attempt one. He looked on like a blind man who could not see, but he wasn't blind, so he looked on.
can I nominate my own? "The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli."
I was going to say, some of those look like similes. I guess this is the lamest comparison challenge, which is what metaphors and similes are anyway.
Great, I could go all day. Her kind of love was dangerous as all hell, but ever so sweet. Like a single glazed donut floating gracefully in the middle of a lake made of crocodiles. He was the kind of guy you didn't want your daughter to bring home and introduce as her new boyfriend. Like when you go to a laundromat and find a quarter and you don't want to pick it up because it might belong to the person who is sitting next to you and you don't want to seem like you really need a quarter but you're already in a laundromat so the person already assumes you're probably not that wealthy in the first place if you can't afford a washer and dryer but you know you could but its just that you live in a subdivision that doesn't provide the necessary hookups. Once he saw what she was wearing his jaw dropped like an Elephant with a thyroid condition inside a tank of Helium. At that moment she felt like the loneliest person on the planet. Like that one movie about that one guy and he was on a planet but there were no humans, only apes. The name of which escapes me.
They're colloquialisms! I love colloquialisms!! some of my favorites.... She was beautiful. And she knew that I would let her pee in my face just to see where it came from. She was hot in an intimidating way. I felt like a virgin girl at a prison rodeo. But she was mean. A cold-hearted person. She would steal a dead fly from a blind spider. I'm not kidding. She was ruthless. The kind of person who would put a rattlesnake in your pocket and then ask you for a match. Fortunately for me, she was pretty dumb. She was about as bright as Alaska in winter.
This thread is useless. It reminds me of that useless bag of trash, our defensive coordinator. Where, oh, where art thy commas, Romoestavern? Parting sentences is such sweet sorrow.
