Lakers Continue Free Agent Blitz, Sign Jesus, Satan

Shouldn't Satans jersey number be 666?

 

didn't Christ already return to the NBA

from theonion

Christ returns to NBA

After a two-year hiatus from basketball, Jesus Christ returned to the NBA last night, playing with his former team, the Atlanta Hawks. Christ, who quit the sport in May 1994 to focus on spreading His message of universal love and compassion, made His triumphant return last night against the Bulls, just in time for Easter Sunday. The return of Christ, who averaged 18.2 points and 7.3 assists per game during his 10-year NBA career, has excited success-hungry Hawks fans, who are calling Him the team's "Savior."

Said Atlanta resident and devout Christian Jeff Voorhees, "Jesus is Lord."

Christ's decision to return to the Hawks surprised insiders, considering for years the Nazareth native had been crucified by the Atlanta press. Ever since He was drafted third overall out of Texas A&M in 1986, Christ has been labeled "too passive and forgiving" to ever lead the Hawks to the promised land. Christ, however, has decided to turn the other cheek.

"I forgive Atlanta Journal-Constitution sportswriter Stan Sheridan," Christ said. "He knows not what he writes."

The closest Christ came to signing with another team came in December, when He spent 40 days and 40 nights in the desert with Detroit Pistons coach Doug Collins. After consulting His father, God, Christ decided to turn down the Pistons' offer of 30 gold pieces.

"Get thee behind me, Coach Collins," Christ reportedly said.

Though some say the media led Christ to quit basketball, many contend He quit after being betrayed by teammate Kevin Willis during a 1994 Celtics-Hawks playoff game. With three seconds left and the Hawks trailing by one, Christ was wide open underneath the basket for an easy lay-up. Instead of passing to Christ, Willis took a wild shot from three-point range, missing the net completely. After the game, a visibly upset Christ stretched out His arms and said, "Kevin Willis, why hast thou forsaken me?"

Despite the controversies, Hawks teammates and personnel are excited to have Christ back.

Forward Stacey Augmon, just one of the many Hawks players who claims to have a personal relationship with Christ, said, "He's taught me so much, like how to love your enemies as yourself, to pray for those who hurt you, and when to pass up the three in favor of a higher percentage shot."

Fans also eagerly await the return of Christ's "Ascension Dunk," a crowd favorite. In the patented dunk, Christ leaps His less-than-league-average 24-inch vertical, then miraculously ascends toward Heaven, floating in mid-air just long enough to stuff the ball. An accompanying angelic choir momentarily stuns His defenders as the ball comes crashing down on their heads. The move wowed audiences at NBA All-Star Slam-N-Jam dunk competitions for two years in a row.

A three-time NBA All-Star, Christ impressed team doctors during a brief, closed-door workout Friday, in which He displayed His still-sharp shooting skills, dribbling ability and overwhelming love for all mankind.

Team doctors also noted that in contrast to most players who take layoffs, Christ's body fat is just 3 percent, even lower than when He was playing. Christ attributed the low figure to His recent food-free, 2,000-year out-of-body reign in His Father's Kingdom.

Meanwhile, the league made a special ruling regarding Christ's crown of thorns, deciding that He may wear the headpiece only so long as He does not "unwittingly anoint a player with the forgiving power of His Holy Blood."

Though Hawks fans seem certain Christ can help the team, some NBA experts question whether Jesus is the Answer.

"The healing power of His Holy Love may get the Hawks into the playoffs, but they can't ride it alone to the championship," NBA commentator Hubie Brown said. "What they really need is a solid power forward who can fill the lane, someone like Cliff Robinson."

Some analysts think that Christ's injuries, along with His added age, may slow Him down.

"Christ isn't going to be 32 forever, and, quite frankly, He hasn't been the same since the Romans drove holes into His hands and feet," NBA analyst and former coach Chuck Daly said. "A painful stigmata injury is difficult to overcome, and it may affect His shooting touch. Still, I'm pretty confident He can rise again."

 

Well, in that case....where's God Shammgod? If we're going to have the Devil and Jesus.....shouldn't we have God as well?

 

Imagine having Jesus, Satan and Fletch on the court at the same time! 82 - 0!

 

Thanks for the good read. Made me laugh on a bad bad workday.



Cod

 

Made my day. Also will make my forward list. Thanks.

 

OMG! That's so funny!

 

you thought it was tough getting Kobe and Shaq to play together? if Phil Jackson pulls this off...and truly gets these guys to play together...it will be a minor miracle. fortunately, one of the parties has some experience with those!

 

Satan is pretty scary looking. I better start doing some charity work.

 

very funny - thanks!

 

I'm impressed that The Onion had Jesus coming out of A&M. He and Bernard King coulda made a heckuva backcourt (although it seems like King was at A&M for about 20 years).

*has a sudden image of God driving a pickup truck with a "My money and my Son go to Texas A&M" bumper sticker on it*

Ugh. I need to go talk to my pastor.

 

Is it just me or does Jesus look like Steve Nash?

 

Jesus Gets a Pair of the New Lebrons

HEAVEN-- Savior of Man Jesus Christ, 33, recently acquired a pair of the soon-to-be released Nike Zoom Generation Lebron shoes, which will be worn by 18-year-old basketball phenom Lebron James in his rookie season for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

"I think they're tight," said the Suffering Servant. "Pretty understated. Classy. Like the early Jordans."

Christ has been showing off his new kicks all over Heaven, while uncharacteristically bragging a bit.

"I'm the first guy on my block with a pair," He said. "Everyone's asking where I got 'em, but I keep telling them only I got the hook-up."

Though the shoes have not been well received in many parts of Paradise, Christ confidently believes they will sell out quickly.

"Everyone wants a pair of the hippest, newest shoes, no matter how they look," said the Messiah. "Except Mohammed. Man, that guy lives in the past. He's still wearing the original Iversons."

Christ has been careful not to over-wear his new sneaks.

"I put them my backpack and change into them at the court," He explained, "'cause once you scuff 'em you f---ed up your whole night."