John Kerry’s Straight Talk http://www.observer.com/pages/world.asp "We’re all God’s children. And I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian, she would tell you that she’s being who she was. She’s being who she was born as. Which is a lesbian. All of us need to feel comfortable being who we are, even if someone happens to be a lesbian, which is what Dick Cheney’s daughter is. Even if a young woman prefers to have sex with other women, like Dick Cheney’s daughter does, she should feel comfortable. Being a lesbian. This really underscores the problem with the American health care system. It’s not working for the American family. And it’s gotten worse under President Bush over the course of the last years. Especially if you’re a lesbian, like Dick Cheney’s daughter. Let’s say you’re a lesbian, like Dick Cheney’s daughter, and you need to see a doctor because your partner—let’s say she’s a bull-dyke—say one of her cats bit you. So you’re a lesbian with a cat bite—I’m sure at some point in her life, Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian, was bitten by another lesbian’s cat—maybe they were having a sort of lesbian party, talking about how awful men are, how they want to castrate all men, and one of the bull dyke’s cats got overstimulated and lunged at Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian, and so Dick Cheney’s daughter, being a lesbian with a cat bite, needs to see a doctor. So she and her bull dyke hop in their Subaru, they’ve got the Melissa Etheridge playing, or those Indigo Girls, as they drive to the doctor, but then they find out that under George Bush’s health-care plan, a lesbian like Dick Cheney’s daughter will have a hard time being reimbursed, so then you have an angry lesbian on your hands, a steaming mad dyke, not even a cup of chamomile tea is going to calm this lesbian down. Now I respect chamomile tea—I was raised a Catholic, I grew up a Catholic, I was an altar boy, and we probably had some of those pissed-off lesbian types coming to church, though I don’t know if Dick Cheney’s daughter, the lesbian, goes to church, if she puts on a really nice flannel shirt and goes to church, or if instead she takes part in lesbian, or pagan, rituals—orgies, I guess some people call them—but I’m sure that when she went to the next lesbian ritual, after the cat bite, Dick Cheney’s daughter told the other lesbians about the cat bite and how she couldn’t get reimbursed by the insurance company—not that she could see their faces, because from what I understand, at these lesbian rituals they all wear hoods of some sort, and there’s usually a mandolin or something, music playing, because lesbians like to dance with each other … and some of them probably look very much like men, now I don’t know if Dick Cheney’s daughter is one of those mannish type of lesbians, or if she is more the feminine type who enjoys sex with a mannish woman, but as a very gay lesbian, I’m sure Dick Cheney’s daughter was wearing the latest lesbian fashions, though presumably she’d have a bandage on the cat bite, a bandage which her bull-dyke lover probably put on, so you’ve got a room full of very angry lesbians in hoods, a few of them playing the mandolin, or flutes, now my faith affects everything I do and choose, there’s a great passage in the Bible that says, ‘What does it mean, my brother, to say you have faith if there are no deeds?’ Faith without works is dead. And I think everything you do in public life has to be guided by your faith. Now I’m not saying that Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian, burned a Bible at this ritual—it’s possible another of the lesbians, who are friends and probably sex partners of Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, burned the Bible, it was probably dark and hard to tell which of the very angry lesbians tossed the Good Book into the flames. But the first and most important thing is to start creating jobs in America. The jobs the President is creating pay $9,000 less than the jobs we’re losing. And this is the first President in 72 years to preside over an economy in America that has lost jobs—1.6 million jobs. Take 5 percent of that, and you’ve got 80,000 lesbians out of work, very angry lesbians, could be on the brink of a riot, spurred on by Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, ’cause by now that cat bite is very likely infected. But let me just say to America, I am not proposing a government-run program. That’s not what I have—I have Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Senators and Congressman have a wide choice. Americans ought to have it, too. Ask yourselves: Do we really want to live in a country of angry lesbians with untreated puncture wounds, right down the street from you? I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian, she would tell you no." Oh man, that's funny. And I voted for the guy.
Here's one in the same spirit: Why did the chicken cross the road? GEORGE W BUSH — We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWELL — Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. HANS BLIX — We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY — Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it! RALPH NADER — The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. PAT BUCHANAN — To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. RUSH LIMBAUGH — I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross. MARTHA STEWART — No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS — Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY — To die in the rain. Alone. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR — I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA — In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS — Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON — Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together – in peace. ARISTOTLE — It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX — It was an historic inevitability. RONALD REAGAN — What chicken? CAPTAIN KIRK — To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before. SIGMUND FREUD — The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES — I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook, — and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. ALBERT EINSTEIN — Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON — I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE — I invented the chicken! FUNDAMENTALISTS — And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS — Did I miss one?
I used the format of the original, because I think it adds to the joke. It makes fun of the random semi-stream of consciousness soundbites that candidates talk in. It you're having trouble reading it, click on the link. There the text is in a narrower column, which makes it easier to read.
