A Sheriff in a small town in Wyoming walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?' The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..... So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.... So I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy. And here I am.'
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Spoiler Beef Jerky!!! and I got this from a Laffy Taffy wrapper
An older woman who is attracted to younger men is called a "cougar". What is an older man who is attracted to younger men called? Spoiler A Nittany Lion
My cousin and I used to be really close.. like really close. But then last Thanksgiving he caught me having sex with his girlfriend. And we haven't spoken since. Although I'm sure he'll get over it eventually, I mean... Spoiler He's only 12
What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde? Spoiler A rooster will say Cockadoodledooo!! A blonde will say AnyCock'llDooo!
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Spoiler magasauras How do you spot a blind man at a nudist camp? Spoiler It's not Hard
I think that having a baby is a lot like playing the lottery.... because more than anyone else... Spoiler Latinos love it My sister and her husband live next to a bunch of cell phone towers. And their concerned it's going to effect the health of their children... IF... Spoiler They could ever stop having miscarriages You dont know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... Spoiler And you DEFINITELY don't know anything about washing a baby I got into a car accident with a BRAND spanking newly married couple. I mean, tin cans all over the street. Just married sign crumbled up on the ground. I see the groom get out of the car furious and I think "How am I going to talk myself out of this??" So I say.. "Look man. We could exchange insurance information here..." Spoiler "But that is not going to bring back your wife" When I was 13 my parents sat me down and told me I had been adopted. And I got pretty upset and asked "Well why did you pick me, Mom and Dad??? Was I special???" And they said "Yes, honey, very special. Because of all of the babies we had to choose from..." Spoiler "You were the only one that was white"
Here goes: 1 Spoiler A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helpd with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman. "No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world. "Wait," Said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter choas?" "And WHO created the chaos?" said the lawyer. 2 Spoiler A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it." 3 Spoiler Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119." 4 Spoiler Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill" 5 Spoiler A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your Uncle from Cork came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my Uncle... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor,"Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew." Well, what's the girl's name?
There were 3 guys who were sharing stories about the biggest vaginas they ever seen. The first guy said "I've seen a woman who had a vagina so big, you could fit a whole basketball inside". The second guy said "That's nothing, I've met a woman who had a vagina so big, a dwarf man crept in it." The third guy then said "Uhm, I once met this woman who told me to put a coin inside her vagina." "Just a coin?" said the first two guys. "Well after i dropped the coin, jukebox music started to play." :grin:
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feedingwith saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for the patient, Doctor?’ The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything directly for the sunburn but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Kevin: Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had... Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
Since I can't start a thread I will just bring it up here. Speaking of good jokes, anyone else going to see Dave Chappelle tonight at Paramount in Austin? I am really excited for this, I heard his show in Dallas last night was really good. Anyways if you havent heard, he announced a show in Dallas for last night on Sunday. On Monday at the end of set it Dallas he said Austin was next and boom, he is here tonight, tickets sold out in about 2 hours. Below is a link to the audio of the show, not sure if it is still up. http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/mixmaster/2012/06/dave_chappelle_we_are_some_bru.php
A Kindergarten teacher is teaching her class about fables that have morals in the story. At the end of the class, she assigns the class homework to ask their parents to tell them a true story that reflects one of the morals in the fables they have been studying. The next day, the kids file into class. The teacher asks "did all of you ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral in it"? The class all responds "yes". The teacher says - "Johnny...why don't you tell us the story your parents told you". Johnny gets up in front of the class. "My daddy is a chicken farmer", Johnny said. "He made a deal to sell 50 baby chicks to the feed store downtown. On the day he was supposed to deliver them, they wasn't all hatched. He put them in his truck anyway and drove down to the feed store. When he got there, the chicks still wasn't hatched, and the owner of the feed store wouldn't pay my daddy. The moral of the story is...don't count your chickens before they are hatched". "Very good Johnny!" said the teacher. "OK Jimmy", she said, "tell us the story that your parents told you". Jimmy gets up in front of the class. "My daddy is a chicken farmer too", said Jimmy. "He made a deal to sell 50 eggs to the grocery store downtown. He put them in a basket and put the basket in the bed of his pickup truck. When he was driving to the grocery store, he got rear-ended, and half of the eggs broke. The moral of the story is...don't put all your eggs in one basket". "Very good Jimmy!" said the teacher. "OK Tommy", she said, "tell us the story that your parents told you". Tommy said "well, my parents weren't home, but my Uncle Bill was home, and he told me a story with a moral in it". "OK Tommy", said the teacher. "Let's hear the story your Uncle Bill told you". "Well", Tommy said. "My Uncle Bill told me a story about when he was a soldier in Vietnam. He was in a helicopter flying over the Mekong Delta, and down below he saw 500 Viet Cong soldiers. Uncle Bill jumped out of the helicopter and all he had was an M-16, a knife, and a bottle of Jack Daniels. He drank the whole bottle of Jack Daniels before he hit the ground, and when he hit the ground, he killed all 500 Viet Cong soldiers with his M-16, his knife, and some of them with his bare hands!" "Oh my!", exclaimed the teacher. "That is an amazing story! What's the moral of the story?" "The moral of the story", Tommy said, "is never screw with Uncle Bill when he's been drinkin'!"
So last night I was banging this girl in the a$$, and she keeps screaming "the pain is excrutiating!" To which I replied "excrutiating? That's an awfully big word for a nine year old."
"OHHHH!!!!!" [smokes, spits, shakes stretches arm with cigarrette] ----------------------------------------------------------- Ronald Reagan was THE MAN. Some of his Soviet Union jokes: :grin:
