Jokes

You must have missed the roast of Flavor Flav last night on Comedy Central, comedic gold.

 

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

...sorry.

 

Find this political joke hidden inside Washington Post comments:

The GSA today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of November 12th, 2007.The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant" stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay" Reynolds noted. Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime.

Gurvinder Singh of Indus TeleServices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of December 1st, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center" stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

A White House spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem cause Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work" stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."

Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a résumé and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile. Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited.

"I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop. Sources in Baghdad and Fallujah say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

 

Two muffins are sitting in a oven.

The first muffin says, "Holy s--t, it's hot in here!"

The second muffin replies, "Holy s--t, a talking muffin!"

 

I know what not to try. Limericks. People hate limericks.

 

if you want to get punched in the face:

Did you hear about the new pirate movie?

Its rated ARRRRRR

 

Two guys, old friends, were walking down the street, talking about a chick they were dating, a girl that had a pair riding high, a slim waist, a heart shaped bottom, and long, lovely legs. Large eyes that drew you in, sparkling with intelligence, while promising delights in the bedroom, were framed by a fine featured face of perfect proportions. In short, she was a knockout, and they were both dating her.

"Why do you think she's dating both of us?" asked TJ.

"Obviously, we're the cat's pajamas!" Sam replied. "The crème de la cream, the finest two fellows in the city, both in fantastic shape, both good looking enough. You're a trader in the markets, I'm an attorney with a huge financial house. What's not to like?"

"But Sam, wouldn't you prefer it if she just settled on one of us? Don't you ever wonder why she keeps dating us both?

"No," replied Sam, "because I know why she does it."

"And why is that?"

"I don't think you'd like the answer, TJ. We're pals, lets not muddy the waters. We both have a good thing going... why take a chance on blowing it?"

"But I've got to know! You said you knew the reason, well I don't. Now come on, buddy, and give me the goods," said an increasingly agitated TJ.

"Remember, I said you wouldn't like it."

"I don't care!"

"OK, pal, here goes. She's got her bedroom wired for video and wired for sound. She's got more camera angles than the Rockets have point guards. She has a computer programmed to follow the action from every angle, and to zoom in when it gets really crazy. She has cameras in the ceiling behind that mirror up there. She has cameras on each of the four bedposts. Her brother worked for Homeland Security and put it all in for her as a lark."

"She what?" Mouth hanging open in disbelief, TJ was stunned. "How did you find out?"

Sam studied TJ for a moment and a slow smile crossed his face. "She likes to watch."

"But how did you find out?"

Sam's slow smile turned into a grin. "She likes to watch herself make love with a guy. It turns her on."

"Then why doesn't she show me the movies of the two of us? That isn't fair. And why did she tell you, and not me."

Sam stopped and stretched like a cat. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he gazed at the bewildered TJ, who was this close to being really angry. "Brother," he said, "she doesn't like me."

"She doesn't?" Being puzzled didn't do TJ justice as a description of the expression on his face.

"Nope." Sam started walking again, paused, and looked over his shoulder at TJ. "She just likes you even less."

 

Sura faints.

 

what?

 

Adapted from The Office: "I was going to tell some jokes about the Palestinian struggle. But its just too explosive of an issue."

 

It's just Deckard being the idiot that he is.

D & D: How has this not gotten old yet?

 

Try these I just received in an email today.

 

It is Deckard having his joke. Whether Fatty, or anyone else, gets it or not is of no consequence to a Blade Runner. He enjoyed writing it. Fatty should try writing sometime. It might be good for him.



D&D. Impeach Doofus and His Dildo. Promote Dieting.

 

Atom #1: I think I've lost an electron.

Atom #2: Are you sure?

Atom #1: I'm positive.

*Prepare to dodge food/expletives hurled at you.

 

A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Tel Aviv on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The man replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

 

Probably the only joke I've ever laughed at that was told by a preacher.

Church was having invitation at the end of the service, and this guy walks up to talk to the pastor.

"Please, pastor, pray for my hearing", the man says. The pastor grabs the man's hands and starts a deep, silent prayer. He looks at the man and says, "So, how is your hearing now?"

"I don't know", the man says, "It isn't until Wednesday"

 

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister all walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

Speaking of jokes...