Got any good jokes? I just feel like it's time for one of these threads, ...i'll get it started. ------------ The Cathouse Bird A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so cheap?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "I feel obliged to tell you that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes is says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird's cage up in the living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her and said "New house, new madam". The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad". When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said "New house, new madam, new girls". The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said "Hi Keith" ------------ For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head." ------------ His and Hers Diaries: HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore and to confront him with the situation, but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY Today the Rockets lost. At least I got laid.
A woman brought a very limp parrot into the Veterinary Clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? Isn't there some kind of test you can do?. He might be in a coma or something." The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room. Returning in a few moments with a beautiful black dog. As the bird's owner looked on in surprise, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes, whimpered and shook his head. The Vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a large tabby cat. The cat jumped up on the table and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed a sad meow, and ran out of the room. The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead." As the woman was returning to the lobby the assistant handed her a bill for three hundred fifty dollars! She read the bill and shrieked "THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!" "THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird is dead???!!!" The Vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been fifty bucks. But then you asked for the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.......
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY Day number 181 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVOURITE! 2:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 5:30 pm - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE! Day number 182 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 12:00pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVOURITE! 1:30 pm – OH NO! BATH . SH*T! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE! 5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! 5:30 pm - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking, almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the head to show them what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are either stupid or out to get me. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its nose." The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse comes in to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, after which she hears "Are my testicles black"? Embarrased, the young nurse replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". He struggles and mumbles again, and again, she hears "Nurse, are my testicles black"? Frustrated, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them". Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,"That was very nice, but are-my-test-results-back?"
A woman was walking to work and walked past a pet shop. She saw a beautiful bird in the window and went to look at it. Suddenly, the bird opened its eyes and began shouting expletives at her telling her she was the ugliest thing it had ever seen and that she was disgusting mixed with curse words. The woman was shocked and went on her way. The next morning she passed the store again and the bird, immediately recognizing her, began shouting the same horrible things at her. Disgusted, the woman entered the shop and told the shop owner what was happening. The owner promised her it would NEVER happen again and the woman went on to work. The next morning, the woman cautiously approached the shop. There was the bird in the window but it only stared at her. As she got nearly to the end of the store window, she turned and looked at the bird once more and the bird said, "You know..."
I don't get it. Maybe the ellipsis is throwing me off. Is the bird going to follow up "you know" with something else?
A man walked into church one day and went into the confessional. "Father, I want you to know that I had lost my favorite hat, so I went into church Sunday planning to steal a new one. But your sermon on the Ten Commandments convinced me not too." The priest responded, "Yes, thou shalt not steal is a very powerful commandment that we should all strive to follow." The man said, "No father, when you said "Thou shalt not commit adultery" I remembered where it was." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two boys took some pecans from a pecan tree and crept into a local graveyard to split up their haul. One of the boys took out the pecans and started going, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." However, several of the pecans escaped his grasp and rolled to a stop by a nearby fence. Another boy was riding his bike nearby and heard the boys splitting up the pecans. He rode away as fast as he could into town and stopped an elderly man and exclaimed, "Mister, mister! God and Satan are down in the graveyard splitting up souls!" The man was understandably disbelieving, but the boy convinced the man to go with him. They arrived back at the graveyard and the old man also heard the voices. He told the boy, "Let's take a look over the fence and see what God and Satan look like." As he started to look over the fence he hears someone say, "Glad that's done! Now let's get those nuts down by the fence and get out of here!" They say the old man beat the boy, who was peddling as fast as he could, back to town by a full 5 minutes. Best I've got at the moment.
Seems to be a parrot theme to this thread... A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" "Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go the end of the earth and back again for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Show up naked, Bring beer.
Humor for those of us who are English majors: A prospective student from Texas was visiting Yale, but he was having problems finding the library. He spotted a well-dressed, proper-looking student crossing the street, so he decided to ask him where the library was. "Excuse me, mister. Can you tell me where the library's at?" the Texan inquired. "My good sir, people of good taste and upbringing know that you should never end a sentence with a preposition. Any student at Yale knows that. I suggest you review your grammar rules before even considering attending this fine institution." "Oh, I see, mister. Well, then, can you tell me where the library's at, a**hole?"
Divert Your Course This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95. CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Out Of College You know you've been out of college too long when... Your potted plants stay alive. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. Sleeping on the couch is a no-no. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM. Dinner and a movie - the whole date instead of the beginning of one. MTV News is no longer your primary source of information. You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. Grocery lists are longer than Macaroni & Cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Hos. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. You don't get liquored up at home to save money before going to a bar.
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
