Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.? He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.? He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carols..."
TARZAN OF THE JUNGLE..... When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh,...Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, ... but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for squirrel."
Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
bob - check your email, please Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side." "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans." Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
A man was working his 8-5 job one day, one he had been doing for 20 years, when he heard a voice in his head: "Sell your house, sell your car, cash in your savings and go to Las Vegas" He ignored it, thinking it pure ludicriousy. But the voice persisted for days during work. Finally, one day he gave in to the voice and sold his house, his car, all his possessions and cashed in his savings. He took all the money he had to his name and went to Las Vegas. As soon as he arrived, the voice said: "Take all your money and go to Caesar's Palace." The man promptly headed into the Caesar's Palace casino. The voice said: "Go over to the roulette table" The man complied. The voice said: "Place every single last penny you have on 34 red" The man did just that, and the casino employee spun the wheel. The ball landed on 19 black. The voice in the man's head said: "F*ck"
Has anyone heard the A&M joke, about a guy named Tim who went hunting in a tent with 3 maidens? I think it goes. A Tim and I a hunting we went, with three maidens all in a tent. I being one, and Tim being two, I bucked one and Tim buck two. I know it's not the joke persay, but you get the point. I'm so bad with jokes.
Beware of conversations with little kids...... A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when he turned to him and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go more quickly if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny, (age 7) who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "Uh..okay, what would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh**?"
Little Johny was sitting in math class, macking on the girl next to him when the teacher noticed what was going on and yelled, "Johnny! Are you paying attention to me???" Johny said laying it on real thick, "Yes Miss Simpson, of course I am. You know you're my favorite teacher." Miss Simspon got really aggrivated and decided to put Johnny on the spot and asked him this math question: "Johnny, if you had a hundred dollars and you gave $20 to Suzy and $20 to Mary and $ 20 to Liz and $20 Jennifer, what would you have?" Johnny said, without missing a beat, "An orgy"
Little Johnny was in class acting like a fool one day when the teacher decided she had enough of him being a smart ass. She announced the following... "Ok, Whoever can answer my question at the end of the week will get the Following Monday off" For the next month every Friday the teacher would ask a ridiculously difficult question that none of the kids would know. Finally, Little Johnny got an idea in his head, he took two golf balls, spray painted them black, and stuck them in his pockets before class. The Teacher was getting ready to ask her Weekly Question she expected none of them to know... Teacher : "Ok Class, it's time for this week's question." Just then Little Johnny took the spray-painted golf balls and rolled them down the floor to near where the teacher was. Teacher : "Ok, Who's the comedian with the black balls?" Little Johnny : "Bill Cosby... see ya next Tuesday."
LOVE NOTE I shall seek and find you... I shall take you to bed and control you... I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan... I will make you beg for mercy. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you ....And you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu
The Gay Rancher A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."
The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him. Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her t*** are so big she can only fasten eight."
Had to bump this thread so I could share this beauty that I received over email today: A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say, "hell" and you say "ass. "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!!!!."
