In light of the news of the so-called human cloning going on, we ask the following hypothetical question --- If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be: A) murder, B) suicide, or C) merely making an obscene clone fall?
I gotta go with C. The Top 15 Potential Problems With Cloning Humans 15. Harder than ever to land a role in those new Wrigley's commercials featuring the Doublemint Octuplets. 14. Two words: Gilbert Gottfried(s) 13. Any scientific advancement that stems from the result of Scottish people doing strange things to sheep is bound to have dire consequences. 12. In mere weeks, Bill Gates (v1.0, v1.2, v2.0, v3.0, v3.1 & v5.0) has all the money on the entire planet. 11. Hillary's husband discovers true multiple orgasms. 10. If you think there are too many idiots shouting "Show me the money!" on every occasion now, just wait. 9. Rush Limbaugh takes his self-affection to a whole new level, and suddenly is IN FAVOR of same-sex marriages. 8."Penn & Penn & Teller & Teller & Teller & Penn & Penn & Teller & Penn" much harder to fit on comedy club marquee. 7. And you think it's hard to find your size now! 6. 18-month waiting list for George Clooney and Cindy Crawford clones. 5. "Alternative" radio filled with even more Nirvana clones. 4. And the final score: the New York Gretzkys - 408, the Pittsburgh Lemieuxs -399. 3. Can no longer count on the Grim Reaper to get Jesse Helms out of office. 2. Those apocalyptic words: "Ladies & Gentlemen: The John Tesh Philharmonic Orchestra!" and the Number 1 Potential Problem With Cloning Humans... 1. Seventeen Mark Fuhrmans, and suddenly OJ's defense doesn't seem quite as far-fetched.
Humor? I think we had posted this a while ago, but deserves a re-visit for those who missed it (and in honor of our down-under buds): http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/australia.shtml
please email this to your female friends > > Subject: FW: Be careful out there girls. >> >> Hi All >> >> SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST. >> >> I hate those hoax e-mail warnings, but this one is important. >> >> IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS >> >> CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR >> >> BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM, >> >> HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS. >> > > I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. >>
In light of the advances made by you toward's other member's significant others, are you sure this email isnt talking about you?
Here's a crude one.... What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a motorcycle? > > > > > > > > > The location of the dirtbag.
What's the difference between a sick duck and a mallard with a cold? I can't remember the rest of it, but your mother is a w****.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern >fairytale? > >A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale >begins > >"Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****."
Got this lemon from a waitress yesterday: Hey, have you guys seen that new pirate movie? It's rated ARRRRRRR!!! Thank you, I'll be here all week.
The President of my company told this joke yesterday (this is an old joke that has been updated): A plane is fixing to crash and there are 5 passengers with only 4 parachutes available. The first passenger is Dubya and he says, "I am the leader of the most important country in the world. We are fixing to go to war with Iraq. I cannot afford to die now, so I have to take one of the parachutes." So, he did. The next passenger stands up and says, "I am Shaquille O'Neal, center for the Lakers. I can't die because I have to lead the Lakers to a win tonight in the Western Conference Finals and then to another NBA Championship. It is important for the NBA, my team, and most importantly to me that I do this. So, I am taking a parachute." So, he did. The third passenger stands up and says, "I am Hillary Rodham Clinton, the most powerful and important woman senator of the U.S. I am also a former First Lady and I am the smartest woman in the world. I cannot die right now, so I am taking a parachute." So, she did. That meant that only 1 parachute was left for the last 2 passengers, a boy scout and a 75 year old man. The old man started talking about his life and came to the conclusion that he had lived a full life, so he tells the boy scout that he can take the last parachute. The boy scout replies, "We are going to be alright, mister, because the smartest woman in the world took my backpack."
and in a related joke... Whats the last thing to go thru Hillary's mind as she hits the ground? her feet... thank you thank you...Ill be here all day... tip your bartenders and waitresses..
Mrs. Smith is at home on a hot summer afternoon when the phone rings... "Hello, Mrs. Smith? This is Bob Perkins, manager of the public pool. Can you please come and pick up your son?" Mrs. Smith asks what her son did to get kicked out of a public pool. "Well, Mrs. Smith, your son peed in the pool, and we just can't have that." Mrs. Smith immediately gets irate. "I can't believe this! There must be at least 20 kids that pee in that pool every day, and you're going to single my son out!! This is an outrage!! I'll never send my son to that pool again!!" "Uhhh, Mrs. Smith, we know that plenty of kids pee in the pool every day", Bob Perkins says, "but most of them don't do it when they're standing on the diving board..."
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. 'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."
Are You In Need Of Inner Peace? I'm passing this along to you, as I consider you a valued friend. This works for me. I think, it will work for you ... I have found inner peace. I recently read an article that stated: The best way to achieve inner peace is FINISH things you have started. So, today I finished two large bags of potato chips, A lemon cream pie, A fifth of Jack Daniels, A small box of Godiva chocolate candy, And slapped the living **** out of someone I have never liked. I feel better already! Please pass this along to a friend who is in need of inner peace.
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. ___________________________________________________ Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world. First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain." Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed." Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light." Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think its the Mexican-two-step diarrhea." All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?" Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha home-made Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which I suspect had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before." First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?" Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed? I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn on that ******* light...."
A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25 pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy - it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out telling the father that the mother was busy weighing the mailman.
An alter boy is cleaning up the pulpit in a church, when a crippled guy comes up and requests some holy water. The alter boy gives the man some holy water, the old man splashes some holy water on his legs, and rips off his crutches....The alter boy runs into the priest's office..."FATHER FATHER! You won't believed what just happened!! A crippled old man came into the church, splashed some holy water on his legs, then immediately tossed away his crutches!!" "Wonderful!", the priest says. "The lord does work in mysterious ways. Where is this man?" The alter boy says, "Oh, he's on the floor screaming in pain because he can't get up!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A priest is in the confession booth when he is called away for an emergency. It's a busy day in confession, so he gets one of the alter boys to fill in for him. He writes down a list of sins and lists the pennance for each sin and instructs the alter boy to give out the pennances accordingly... The alter boy gets in the confession booth, and the first person he sees is a pretty woman in her early 20's. "Forgive me, for I have sinned", she says. "Last night, I gave a man a blow job". The alter boy looks at his list, but doesn't see "blow job" anywhere on the list of sins. He opens the confession booth and calls for help. "Hey Sam, what does the priest give for a blow job!" Sam replies, "Usually, a bag of skittles and two snickers bars!"
