Two parents were concerened that their lazy son, Junior, was not even trying to learn Math. They finally sent him to a local Catholic school with a good reputation for turning around lazy Math students. Incredibly, after his first day of classes, Junior would rush home from school and work diligently on his Math. This went on for months. In no time, his Math scores had improved dramatically and more importantly his attitude towards Math had become exemplary. The parents went to a Parent-Teacher conference and heard a glowing tribute to their son's new-found passion, discipline and accomplishment. Upon returning home, the parents (who had left well-enough alone up to this point) decided to engage Junior and find out his take on this renewal. His explanation? "Well, that first day when I walked into the classroom and saw that guy nailed to a plus sign... I knew that they meant business!"
This guy had just died, and was discussing his fate with St. Peter at the pearly gates. "What good deeds have you done?", St. Peter said. "Well", the guy said, "this one time, I saw this group of big, mean bikers harrassing this young lady, so I went up to them and screamed at them to stop. They continued to harrass her, so I went up to the biggest, meanest biker and PUNCHED him in the face and said, 'listen, punk, keep your hands OFF the young lady, understand?'" "Very impressive," St. Peter said, "When did this happen?" The guy replied, "about ten minutes ago!" ....ahh, the only reason to pick up Reader's Digest...the jokes.
I get my jokes from the same place I get my p*rn, so read no further if crude humor makes you mad... So there were three nuns waiting to be blessed. The priest asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" She says, "I touched one once with my finger." The priest says, "Put your finger in holy water and say three Hail Mary's." It's now the second nun's turn. She is asked the same question, but before she can respond the third nun runs in front of her and says, "I'm not going to gargle that water after she sticks her ass in it!" Ahhh...What aren't you good for, elephantlist?
When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!" ‘Wow,’ I thought, ‘I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this!’ Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You *******...it's ten past three in the morning!"
MasterBaiter said I shouldn’t post this, but I thought it was funny. Sorry if I offend anyone. It's not intentional A redneck farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of those there dayvorces". The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres". The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays". The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere." The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge. The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, That's where I parks the John Deere." The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30". The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants one of them there dayvorces.
One day Billy's parents took him to the Circus to see all of the clowns. He was so excited! He never saw one up close before! In the middle of the show, a tiny little car came out and out came 20 clowns! He was cheering so loud he couldn't speak for a couple minutes. Just then, the Leader of the Clowns took a microphone and asked for a volunteer. Billy raised his hand and shouted ''Me! Me!'' The clown looked around and said ''You!'' as he pointed at Billy. He was so happy! Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown looked down at him and asked, ''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy said ''No...'' ''Are you the horse's ears?'' ''No...'' Then the clown got an evil look in his eye as he said ''Then you must be the horse's ass!'' The whole tent shook with laughter, and Billy cried his eyes out. He couldn't believe a clown made fun of him like that! He swore revenge! Billy grew up, he went to college, got a job, got married, and had a few kids, but still never forgot what that clown did to him. One morning he saw an ad in the paper for the same circus, and decided to go. He knew the PERFECT insult to get him back! When he told his wife and kids he was going his kids asked if they could goto the circus with him. He calmly said ''No. Daddy has something he needs to do there.'' In the middle of the show, a little car came out and out came about 20 clowns. The crowd cheered, except for Billy. The Leader of the Clowns took a microphone. It was the same Clown! Billy was so excited that he could now get revenge! The clown asked for a volunteer. Billy calmly raised his hand. The clown picked him! Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown said ''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy stayed calm and said ''No.'' The clown asked ''Are you the horse's ears?'' Billy replied ''No.'' Then the clown said ''Then you must be the horse's ass!'' Billy knew his time had come. As the crowd laughed and everyone cheered, his anger grew. Now was the time for revenge. He looked deep into the clown's eyes and said... ''F*ck you, Clown.''
When you tell it, try to draw it out for about half an hour before you get to the punchline. My friend told this one to a girl at a party once. She got so pissed that she punched him in the face.
Two Al-Quedans are chatting. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures. "This is my oldest son. He's a martyr." "Here's my second son. He's a martyr too." After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Al-Qaedan wistfully says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
A trucker stops at a bar in a remote town somewhere along the interestate, as soon as he steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. The trucker decides since he's in a hurry he'll just have a quick beer and then leave. He asks the bartender for a beer, the bartender says "Ok, but i'll have to know the nickname of your schlong." The trucker says "Excuse me?" The Bartender replies "For anyone in here to get a beer you have to have a nickname for your johnny, for instance mine is snickers, because it really satisfies" The trucker thinks for a a few seconds and says "Ok, well mine is called Secret" The bartender says "Secret? Why do you call it that" The trucker says "It's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
That is my favorite joke of all freakin' time. You just catapulted into my top 10 favorite posters!!!!
If you liked Mr. Meowgi's joke, then you're going to...uhh...hate this one... Mikey was walking to school one day when he saw a pretty patch of purple flowers. He said, "Wow, those purple flowers sure are pretty". He got to school, and the teacher gave the class an assignment. She told each student to tell the class what they saw on the way to school this morning, and what it meant to him. Little Mikey immediately shot his hand up and said, "I saw purple flowers on the way to school today!" "PURPLE FLOWERS, PURPLE FLOWERS?!?!", screamed his teacher, "Get to the principals office immediately!" Well, Mikey was confused, but did as he was told. He went to the principal's office. "What did you do?", the principal asked. Mikey said, "All I said was purple flowers." "PURPLE FLOWERS, PURPLE FLOWERS?!?!", yelled the principal, "Get out of my school immediately, you're expelled!!" So, Billy gets his books and slowly walks home from school, wondering what he did that was so bad. His mom asks, "Hi, Mikey, why are you home so early?" as he walks through the door. Mikey said, "All I said was purple flowers." PURPLE FLOWERS, PURPLE FLOWERS?!?!", yelled his mother. "Get upstairs and wait until your father gets home, young man! You're in BIG trouble!" By now, Mikey is terrified. The hours seem like days as he waits for his father to get home and punish him. At 5:30, his father comes into his room and calmy says, "All right son, what did you do this time?" Mikey is on the verge of tears, when he says, "All I said was purple flowers". "PURPLE FLOWERS, PURPLE FLOWERS?!?!?", his father screams, louder than anybody previously that day. "Get the hell out of my house and never come back, do you hear!?!?!?!?" Well, by now, Mikey is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. However, he packs up his suitcase, says his goodbyes, and heads out the door. As he crosses the street outside his house, he's hit by a truck and killed instantly. What's the moral of the story? Look both ways before crossing the street...
DT's nun joke still has me cracking up 2 hours later. people around me in class probably wandered why i just kept randomly laughing to myself. both of Buck's were excellent, too. in fact, in one class we had to write some information on a note card and on the back write our favorite joke. luckily i was about half way through this thread before i left so i ended up using Buck's "talking clock" joke. woulda used the nun joke but it didn't seem like the professor was the kind to go for that humor.
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ******* wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here." "Where are you from, son?" "Texas, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas." "No sh*t???" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
