A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral -- I'm a gynecologist." At that point, the proctologist fainted.
A female police officer pulled over a man for DUI; and said, "You are under arrest. Anything you say can and will be held against you." The drunk appeared to be thinking for a moment. He then slowly announced, "t***."
Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. They went out for a walk and saw a magic golden frog. The rabbit and bear said, "Goodie, three wishes!" The frog then said, "No, six wishes since there are two of you." They got even more excited. The bear went first. "I wish that all the bears in this forest are females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted. Then it was the rabbit's turn. "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted. The bear hesitated, then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted. The rabbit already knew what he wanted, "I wish for a motorcycle!" POOF! His wish was granted. The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way! And, may I add, choose carefully your last wish!!" The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted. The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. With a smirk on his face he said, "I wish the bear were gay."
A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly. The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's scrotum. He looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place."
Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today. "Why?" asks his father. "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6". "But that's right," said his father. "Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?' "What's the f*cking difference?" asks his father. "That's what I said!"
An old lady was sitting on her porch waiting for her last moments of life to end. Right before it happened, her fairy godmother came floating from the sky and said, "For your lifelong years of virtue, I now grant you three wishes." The stunned lady thought for awhile and said, "I wish to be a young and beautiful princess!" "Granted" She thought some more and said, "I wish for this cabin to be turned into a house!" "Done" Just then her cat walked by and the lady said, "I wish for that cat to become my handsome prince!" The cat changes into the most handsomest man the lady has ever seen. Her legs are trembling and her heart is pounding hard for the first time. The prince smiles, comes up to her and said, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
I hate sad jokes. That last joke is sad, cause the lady doesnt get her mojo on. Here is a good joke: The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"
A couple married about 30 years went off for a second honeymoon to kinda refresh their relationship. They booked the same Bora Bora resort cruiseship tour like thirty years ago. Same time of the year, same hotel, same room. They even ate the same dish the first evening. When it was time for bed the husband was lying in the king-size love bed while his old lady went for refreshing up in the bathroom. As she came out the bathroom she asked him: "Did you remember when I came out this door and walked slowly to the bed thirty years ago? What did you thought then?" He replied: "Well I thought that I will suck out your t*** and **** your brains out!" She started to smile and with a shaky and errected voice asked him back: "And what are you thinking now?" He said: "Well it looks like I did a good job then."
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Official Minnesota Temperature Conversion Chart 60 Above - New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens. 50 Above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe. 40 Above - Italian and English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down. 32 Above - Distilled water freezes. Lake Superior's water gets thicker. 20 Above - Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt. 15 Above - Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold. 0 - People in Miami all die... Minnesotans lick the flagpole. 20 Below - Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Minnesota get out their winter coats. 40 Below - Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door. 60 Below - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Minnesota Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 80 Below - Mount Saint Helens freezes. People in Minnesota rent some videos. 100 Below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg. 297 Below - Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Minnesota complain about farmers with cold hands. 460 Below - All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Minnesota start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?" 500 Below - Hell freezes over. The Vikings win the Super Bowl!
I read that one before, but it had Buffalo instead of Minnesota... What's the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a blond with diarrhea? The corn farmer has fits while he shucks....
Nasty A-Train... What's the difference between a blone and a rooster? A rooster cries out, "Cockle-doodle doo!" A blonde cries out, "Any ****'ll do!"
A man is wandering in the Chinese wilderness, lost. Suddenly he comes upon a three-story mansion. He knocks on the door, and an ancient Chinese guy answers, with white hair and a beard that extends down to the floor. The man asks the old guy, "Can I stay here, just for the night? I've been lost in the Chinese wilderness for days." The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "Fine. But I have one condition: if you sleep with my granddaughter, I will subject you to the three worst Chinese turture tests known to man." The first guy considers briefly, then agrees. He goes inside, and is immediatley smitten by the granddaughter's beauty. After all, he's been lost in the wilderness for days... hadn't got any in awhile... so that night he sleeps with the old man's graddaughter. After she is asleep, the man returns to his room on the third floor that the old man had given to him. When he wakes in the morning, he feels a great weight on him. He opens his eyes, and there is a hundred-pound boulder on his chest, witha sign on it that says, "First Chinese torture test: hundred-pound boulder on your chest." The man says, "Wow. That's a really stupid torture test." He gets out of bed and throws the boulder out the window. But as he drops it, he notices a sign on the back of the boulder which says, "Second Chinese torture test: boulder tied to right testicle." The man was horrified. It was too late to get the rock back, so he decided to jump out the window after it. He did, but as he was falling, he saw a sign on a tree outside: "Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost."
