http://msn.espn.go.com/page2/s/simmons/021008.html <i>Every time I watch a Giants game, I spend 20 minutes trying to decide if Benito Santiago looks more like a generic Univision villain or one of Calderon's bodyguards in "Miami Vice."
Man I was just about to post this article. It is pretty funny. The moment when I realized that I hadn't been following baseball closely enough this year: Watching one of Atlanta's playoff games, hearing the announcer say, "Julio Franco on deck," thinking to myself, "Wow, that's weird, there's another Julio Franco," then seeing the actual Julio Franco come to the plate. Good God! Julio Franco is still playing??? Did he beat out Lenny Randle and Terry Puhl to make the Braves's 25-man roster? Is anyone else flabbergasted by this? Also a classic... CK
Simmins is pretty funny, but I also like Will's (ex?) colleague Gregg Easterbrook for sports writing.
"Nothing beats the look on John Madden's face when Stuart Scott starts Stu-ing it up during their "Monday Night Countdown" interviews." So true. Stuey has easily outdistanced Ahmad Rashad and Steve Lyons as the most annoying sports media personality.
Yea Bill Simmons is the BOMB! this was particularly hilarious: One more thing: Years from now, we will remember "Yao Ming over Jay Williams" the same way we remember "Bowie over Jordan," "Traylor for Nowitzki," "Carroll for McHale and Parish," "Aguirre over Thomas" and every other great draft day blunder in NBA history. I'm not just predicting it, I'm guaranteeing it.
It's a Sports Guy thing: "On a Sunday afternoon, while the boys were watching the Steelers, the girls returned from the slopes with their adorable ski bunny friend (the one who caused us to jostle in our seats to sneak peeks when she wasn't looking). The ski bunny notices the game, sits down and asks, "What's the score?" Typical girl question (right up there with "Who's playing?"), but since she was cute, we threw her a bone and gave her the score. Then, she drops this one on us: "How come Tomczak's in the game? Did O'Donnell get hurt?" Nobody said anything. We did a collective quadruple take, eyes bulging out of our heads like Marty Mornhinweg. We were floored. Finally, I answered: "Yeah, he's hurt. By the way, my name's Bill. Will you marry me?"
Yeah, he's an idiot...but I still think he's funny. I remember another article he wrote where he said Cuttino gives up more points than he scores...a completely false statement.
He's def my favorite writer on espn too funny: "Q: Did you see Clemens might come back to the Red Sox? Nooooooooooo! Noooooooooooooo! Noooooooooo!!!!!! -- Jake P, Arlington, Mass. Sports Guy: If this happens, I'm not even bothering with the lighter fluid and the matches ... I'm moving to the West Coast. That's it. You think I'm kidding. Here's the only way I could possibly describe my feelings about a Clemens return: Imagine you're a typical guy in your late-20s. You've been dating the same girl since college, but recently she gained an extra 20 pounds, refuses to exercise and spends her nights sitting on the sofa in jogging pants, eating Cheetos and forcing you to watch "Friends" re-runs. Also, she cheats on you every so often, because she "can't control herself when she's out with her friends." And she rarely shows you any affection. But you stick with her, because there's some history there, because you love her, because you keep hoping she'll turn things around to her old Cy Young form. Finally, you've had enough. You break up with her. She doesn't show an ounce of emotion, immediately moves on to someone else, then spends the next few months telling your friends how great the new guy is (never mentioning you at all). Now she's motivated. She hires a personal trainer, gets breast implants, bleaches her hair blonde and joins the cast of "Baywatch," looking absolutely fantastic, telling everyone who will listen, "This only happened because my boyfriend broke up with me, and I found true love." Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, she dumps that boyfriend and starts dating your absolute worst enemy, the guy you hated ever since high school who's now a multi-billionaire. To make matters worse, she starts calling your friends and urging them to hang out with her and the billionaire instead of you. Now you have to hear through the grapevine how happy she is, how her sex life has never been better, how she enjoys sticking it to you every chance she gets. You can't get away from her. She even gets her own talk show and conquers her fear of performing live, becoming a Kelly Ripa-like success, learning how to come through in the clutch. She is everything you ever wanted her to be. After a few years, she hits her late-30s ... and she starts letting herself go again. Her talk show gets cancelled. She starts to put the pounds back on. She makes some bad investments and sqaunders all her "Baywatch" earnings. The billionaire dumps her. And now she wants to get back together with you and pretend that all is forgiven. Would you take her back? I sure wouldn't. (Maybe I'm overreacting. I think the Red Sox are driving me insane. I'm not kidding. Let's just move on.) " http://espn.go.com/page2/s/simmons/021010.html
