Breaking news from Apple. The slogan for the hot new iShuffe, “Life is random," is only the first of many such “Life is _____” campaigns. And it's bigger than music. Soon we’ll have Apple cars and houses and— Wait, wait. I’m going too fast. There are still seven people who don’t yet own an iPod. For you seven, here’s the deal: Apple needed a foothold in the Flash player market. So they took the iPod and shrunk it. The problem is, these devices, which use Flash memory instead of physical hard drives, are super-tiny. So small, in fact, that if they wanted to preserve the one-of-a-kind, better-than-sex, slidey-wheel button system, they would have to lose a minor, trivial accessory . . . the LCD screen. Apple faced a big decision. Should they trust the consumer to maybe, oh, I don’t know, figure out how to use more than 4 buttons? No! That’s not stylish. That’s not sleek. Apple’s solution? Gutting the player of its functionality, stripping away the screen, and “treating” us to the never-ending hell of shuffle. Enter Steve Jobs. Looking us right in the eye, he cheerfully tells us that “Life is random.” He gives us the iShuffle, trusting us to lap it up. After all, it’s Apple! It’s white and small and you can dance with it! (Lesson for President Bush: wear a black turtleneck.) Mr. Jobs made, quite possibly, the most brilliant discovery in the history of marketing: by saying “Life is ____,” you have the license to remove functionality, dumb down a product, and to spin it, however improbably, as a benefit. Especially if the product is itty-bitty and gleaming white. Doesn’t work? Doesn’t matter. Life is unfair. Back to the breaking news. I’ve hacked into Mr. Jobs’ Sidekick, discovering five new products that Apple will release this fall. 1) “Life is pointless.” iRock. Perfect for those who already own both an iPod and an iShuffle. The iRock is smaller than a cigarette lighter. It’s white. It’s shiny. And the design is breathtakingly simple: it has no moving parts. No circuitry. No buttons. No earphones. No speakers. Priced at just $49, it’s the perfect hunk of hard plastic. Think of it as your own pet iRock. Sling it around your neck while dancing. Like life, the iRock is pointless. 2) “Life is short.” iChoke We’ve all visited grandparents in those stuffy hospital rooms. The food is bland and the décor is garish. And the equipment is gray and junky and cluttered with plastic tubes. Not anymore. Check out the iChoke, a sleek new respirator—smaller than a deck of playing cards. To make it ultra-slim, the iChoke is freed of its unwieldy oxygen tubes, leaving you just the sexy slim casing. Life is short. 3) “Life is dangerous.” iCrash. Apple’s most daring product yet. The iCrash redefines what we expect in an automobile, delivering unparalleled ease, style, and simplicity. Made entirely out of shiny white plastic, the iCrash is only slightly larger than a bobsled, designed to snugly fit the wiry teenager. Just four buttons control the vehicle: left, right, stop, go. To go in reverse, simply hold down the "left" button for a couple of seconds. Safety first? Please. Life is dangerous. 4) “Life is simple.” iCell. It’s a fact. Most homeowners spend over 1,300 hours a year on home maintenance. Think about it: you fix faucets, clean gutters, cauk ceilings. Enough. It’s time for a change. It’s time for iCell. This revolutionary home is smaller than a jail cell and whiter, too. No windows that need washing or linen that needs folding. Just four sleek walls, a shiny plastic floor, and a killer, bone-white ceiling. Simplify. With iCell. 5) “Life is dirty.” iCrap. Let’s face it. Most toilets are a headache to flush, clean, and scrub. And we’re all sick of jiggling that little handle. No more. Step into the future with iCrap. This insanely-great toilet does away with antiquated, old-fashioned gimmicks like plumbing and running water. There’s no bulky tank or unreliable flush. Just a white, stunningly-simple bowl that you sit on—no need to ever flush again. It fits in your backpack, so you can take it with you on the go. At just $39 a pop, it’s a snap to buy another when this one fills up. Life is dirty. iCrap. ____________________________ just curious. am i the only one who feels this way?
I have a solution to this, but I can't share it until I have it trademarked because it's worth a million bucks.
/agreed I still can't figure out why people would buy iPod Shuffles. I've owned many music devices that came with shuffle features, and I've NEVER EVER used the option. Not even once. To build an entire product around this feature is sheer lunacy, IMO. But hey, it's Apple, so people will lap it up like dogs. The Shuffle is $99. The iPod Mini is now $199. Decisions, decisions...
I bought one because I RARELY use walkman-like devices. I haven't even had a regular Walkman in over 10 years. I'm usually sitting by my computer listening there or in the truck, so I have zero need for an iPod in general. The one time I do need it is for working out and the regular i-Pod is big and gets in my way. The Shuffle is actually perfect for that and has more than enough songs for that purpose. And I love the shuffle. I use it in iTunes all the time. I just shuffle a batch of songs I know I already like and play them while I work. Same thing for the iPod shuffle when I'm working out. Sometimes, I don't want to screw around with playlists or listen to songs order. I'd rather just shuffle and hit next if I want something else. As for the dislike of the ad campaign, the one consistently used concept over the past couple of years has been the "Life is _________. Your _________ shouldn't be." Example: "Life is unreliable. Your car shouldn't be." Those are so freakin' annoying.
I agree. The Shuffle is perfect for those that just need something to make their activity go by faster. I bought a 1GB for my girlfriend who is very technologically challenged. The simplicity of the Shuffle means that even she can work it. Plus she really only uses it to work out. So this is maybe 2 hours a day. No need to have all these jazzy features that she wouldn't use anyway. She likes the Shuffle, it is very small and easy for her to use on her workout. I originally bought her a MPIO MP3 flash drive. It had an LCD screen plus an FM tuner. The thing crashed in a month. So I returned it and got her the Shuffle, knowning it didn't have an LCD. Again, this isn't a big deal for someone who is using it sparingly. Plus, I don't think you can beat the relibility of an Ipod. (compared to the MPIO and the Dell Jukebox that I have) The Shuffle does do the trick for its niche. It you are annoyed by its ad campaign, simply voice your purchasing power, by NOT purchasing it.
I bought a 1gb shuffle for my wife for valentines day. She loves. She was running with my first generation 5gb model which I handed down to her. She always used shuffle so she isn't missing the added functionality of a screen. When the he company I work for recently moved they gave everyone in the company a 512 shuffle. Nice perk for having to work in a wherehouse for a few weeks while the offices are being finished. Cool to see everyone walking around jamming to their own groove. I traded my wife the 512 for the 1 gb and now I use part of my shuffle as a jump/flash drive around the office to move files. Another nice product from Apple will always bring out people who are haters. Nothing new to see here. (of course don't listen to me I'm a mac addict and daily user)
Thanks! I'll probably pitch it to a men's magazine or a local paper here in NYC. (anyone here an editor at Details ?
True enough. And their marketing campaign is brilliant; I respect the evil-genius of it. And, in full disclosure, I'm thinking of buying one myself just for jogging purposes. I ran the NYC marathon in November with my iPod, and it crashed on mile 17. Ugh. The next 9 miles were ugly. I wished I had the Shuffle then. Still, I find it bizzare that the main selling point is actually a limitation.
I recently decided to buy an iPod, so started to do some research on portable music devices in general. It turns out that you can find a much, much better value. You can get a 60 gig Nomad Zen by Creative for less than the 20 gig iPod. I prefer to pay for a product and not a name.
I never understood the Ipod Shuffle. Why not buy a cheaper player that is about the same size and has MORE options on it. As for the IPOD, I don't have one and don't ever plan on buying one. The one MP3 player I bought was a Diamond Rio which I bought back in 2000 or so. I don't use it anymore, now I just burn ATRAC3plus or MP3 cds for my diskman/truck stereo. Oh yeah, and great post. Man that had me crackinga smile. You should send that around or something.
There are other better bang-for-the-buck values than the iPod. It all depends on what you're looking for.
Agreed. Everything that I've read indicates that the iPod has the best interface, and it also works seemlessly with iTunes (obviously), which I am a fan of. Personally these perks are not as important to me as being able to triple my storage capacity for roughly the same price.
the product and campaign are stupid, yes... but that song in the commercial (the caesars - jerk it out) is so damn catchy
I just got a Creative 5GB Zen player for my wife. We're a little behind the times with the mp3 faze, but so far this thing is awesome. We were potentially going to get the Ipod Photo, but decided against it at the last minute mainly from a price perspective. Plus, we ride bikes a bit, and wanted something that wouldn't skip. If I want to get something with more storage, I've looked at the 60 GB Creative, what other options would y'all suggest? I'll probably just get that one since I'm familiar with all the Creative software, but just curious.
