NO SEX SINCE 1955 A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something¬ bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2230 now... but let's go!" DON'T YOU LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!
A UT Longhorn, a Baylor Bear, and a Texas A&M Aggie all decide to go down to Matomoros together for Spring Break. They drive down in the Aggie's car and cross the border. While in Matomoros, the Aggie accidentally runs a stop sign, plows into a pedestrian and kills him. All three of them are arrested, all three go through a show trial, and all three are sentenced to death by electric chair. Execution day comes. The first one to get strapped in is the Longhorn. "Do you have anything to say before we carry out the sentence?" says the warden. "Yes I do", replies the Longhorn. "I am a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin and UT Law School. I am a licensed lawyer in the state of Texas. By carrying out this sentence, you are violating international law regarding the treatment of prisoners." They strap him in and flip the switch. Nothing happens. They can't keep holding him or retry him., so they release him. The second one to get strapped in is the Baylor Bear. "Do you have anything to say before we carry out the sentence?" says the warden. "Yes I do", replies the Baylor Bear. "I am a graduate of Baylor Baptist University in Waco Texas. I am an ordained Baptist Minister. What you are about to do flies in the face of God's will and the laws and tenets of all of the major religions throughout the world. It is wrong." They strap him in and flip the switch. Nothing happens. They can't keep holding him or retry him., so they release him. The last one to get strapped in is the Aggie. "Do you have anything to say before we carry out the sentence?" says the warden. "Yes I do", replies the Aggie. "I am a graduate of Texas A&M University in College Station Texas. I received my degree in Electrical Engineering. I am a licensed electrician in the state of Texas. Now if y'all would just switch out this burnt fuse here, this thingamajiggie might work right!"
Hopefully this doesn't offend.... A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to. Shaking him the big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn Around!"
"And when you look at the sky you know you are looking at stars which are hundreds and thousands of light-years away from you. And some of the stars don't even exist anymore because their light has taken so long to get to us that they are already dead, or they have exploded and collapsed into red dwarfs. And that makes you seem very small, and if you have difficult things in your life it is nice to think that they are what is called negligible, which means that they are so small you don't have to take them into account when you are calculating something."
An old lady dies. The funeral takes place. As the funeral ends, the pallbearers take the casket and carry it to the resting place and go by a building and hit the casket on the side. Upon hitting it, there's a faint groan coming from inside the coffin. The pallbearers put the coffin down and open it and discover the old lady is still alive. She thanks them for letting her out. She goes on to live another 5 years, then dies. This time, as the funeral ends, the pallbearers are carrying the coffin again and as they approach the same building, the lady's husband goes: "Look out for that building!" (rate it)
Finance Nerd Joke: A number of men were arguing over who was the wisest man ever and it was between Soloman and Noah: The finance guy answered it had to have been Noah because he kept his company afloat while the whole world was in liquidation.
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The partender says, "you need to get out of here. We don't serve mushrooms in here" So the mushroom replies, "why not? I'm a fungi!"
search for a guy on a golf course with a funeral procession passing by. that's probably the hardest i've laughed at a joke after reading it for the first time. of course, you've probably already seen it. my second favorite has to do with nuns and holy water.
I personally like the joke about how Tiger Woods got his first name. Hint: His mom is Thai and his dad is black.
A man with a big orange in the place of half of his head walks into a bar. "Give me a Bud," he tells the bartender. The bartender turns around: "Christ! You've got a big orange for half your head!" "Yeah, tell me about it." "Well, how'd that happen? I've never seen a man with a big orange for half his head!" The man replies, "Oh, I was on vacation in the South Pacific, all alone on the beach. I came across this golden lamp in the sand, so I picked it up and dusted it off. After a few swipes, it got really hot and started vibrating in my hands--I dropped it to the ground, a huge puff of purple smoke shot out of it, and a 10 foot tall genie appeared!" The bartender, stunned: "Wow!" "He bellowed at me, shaking the ground beneath, 'I am a genie. I have been trapped inside this lamp for 600 years. As a reward, I will grant you three wishes of any nature!'" The bartender: "This can't be real!" "No, no, it really happened." The bartender pushed on, "So what'd you ask for?" "I said, 'I want to have beautiful women surrounding me and catering to my every need all the time.' Then, instantly, two gorgeous women in bikinis appeared under each of my arms. One of them started feeding me grapes, and the other massaged my feet." "Amazing!" yelped the bartender. "Then I said, 'I want to never have to worry about money.' The genie said, 'Take out your wallet and tear up your money.' I pulled a fifty out of my wallet, tore it in half, and threw it into the wind. Instantly, another fifty appeared in its place." "Incredible!" The man continued, "Then the genie said in his booming voice, 'You have one final wish, master. Whatever you wish, I will grant you.'" The bartender, eyes wide open, begged, "Yeah, so, what was your last wish?" "I said, 'I want half my head to be a big orange.'" The best part is, the longer you take to set up this "joke", the more friends you lose! It's like "The Aristocrats" in reverse.
