I'm the unluckiest S.O.B. out there.

This is essentially about this weekend.

It was my turn to go up to Memphis to see my son. I took my father's car up there due to better car mileage, as well as a car seat, and left Houston at noon on Friday.

Get to Memphis on Friday night at ten. I call them up, and they say that my son is asleep already, and to come over on Saturday morning. I'm pretty tired, so I try to find a hotel.

For those who've never been to Memphis, you can get lost quickly, and it is very irritating.

Anyway, I watch a cop pull over a car directly in front of me. The idiot driver pulls over in the left turn lane. I veer around them so I can take a left.

As I am thanking God that I wasn't the one pulled over, I'm not paying attention to the road.

BAM!

This '97 Neon nails me in the front end. I'm just shocked. I hadn't been in a wreck for over a decade. The cop from the left turn lane comes over. Gets our info.

He comes back and asks me to stay and lets the other party leave. He asks me what is going on with my Driver's License.

I got my first DWI about a year ago. My license was suspended for a year. I had a worker's permit, and I always had some work lined up in Memphis, just in case. I told him that, and showed him my paperwork.

This r****ded, stupid rookie spends at least a half hour scrutinizing my permit. He comes back and says "I found on here (it's two pages long) that it says you can drive in Harris County, and surrounding counties".

I explain again that I'm in Memphis for work and to see my son. He says that it doesn't "say" anything about my son. I'm now under arrest, in Memphis, at midnight.

Luckily, if you can call it that, I was able to bond myself out. I then walk the two miles back to the wreck incident. I drive to a hotel.

End of Friday.

Saturday, I go over to my ex's house. Her husband, who is finally becoming more cordial, helps me get a mechanic so we can make sure the car can be driven 600 miles back. $150 later, we are good to go.

Back to their house. I talk to them about when they would like my son to be back. They ask me to go outside.

My ex pulls out the last of her power cards on me. They say that because of the "wreck", they don't feel comfortable with my son being with me alone. They want to supervise. (This is the last weekend they can pull this, and after all of the crap I swallowed from them, I was surprised they'd use their last jab, but they will end up having to pay for it.) I tell them "you know this is the last time y'all can hold anything over my head, you sure you want to use it?

Of course the ex said yes. Now my weekend with my son will be around his other parents. As I'm playing with my son in their house, I notice a picture on the fridge.

My psycho ex had a picture of the new husband in the same pose of a picture my son and I were in when he was a newborn! She had always said that was her "favorite" picture of us.

1. She had her new husband re-pose in the same manner.
2.My son was A HELL OF A LOT YOUNGER than when she said they "met".

I know I should be over this, but when you catch someone in a lie that large, I don't know, time doesn't help the revelation.

I bite my tongue on this. Time and a place for everything. I enjoy the day with my son, and stay at a hotel.

End of day 2.

Sunday, I go over to her house for Breakfast. We have a nice time. I say goodbye to my son (for you father's out there, that has to be the most gut-wrenching part about visitation), and I head back home. It is 11:00 a.m.

12:30-I realize I can't find my cell phone. I pull over and frantically look for it.

Worst part is that I had a fantastic date on Tuesday with a girl. I had a former client call me up for a blind date, AND I had this gorgeous girl I dated a few years back call me on Saturday to hook up again.

ALL THREE NUMBERS WERE IN THAT PHONE! I have no way of knowing what they are!

I decide that I better go back and find my phone.

1:45-I get back to the motel after weaving through the clusterf*** highway system that is Memphis. Talk to front desk. Laundry room, housekeeping personnel. Nothing.

2:00-I get to my ex's house. They're not there. I've just realized I am having explosive diarrhea.

2:15-I find a Bookstore (Memphis, here is a dollar. Buy an F-ing convenience store!) and relieve myself.

2:30-I find her parent's house. They're there. The husband takes me back to their place. Nothing.

2:45-I go to the Circle K that I went to that morning. Nothing. I head back to Houston, but I want to check the Exxon in Mississippi that I had gone to.

3:45-I FINALLY get out of Memphis towards Miss. after going through that b*stard city TWICE before figuring it out.

4:45-I get to the Exxon. Nothing. I realize I just wasted 3 1/2 hours searching for this, and I still have squat.

I don't get in until 1:30 Monday morning. I have a glass of wine, and I put the unluckiest weekend of my life to bed.

Funny aside, if you can call it that. I have to laugh at this, or I would shoot myself.

I applied for Concorde insurance a few years back. During their approval questions, theyasked "Have you ever had a racing violation?"

I jokingly said I received an exhibition of acceleration when I was 16 twelve years ago.

She stops the questions. I can't be insured through Concorde. I go off on her, explaining the illegalities and the discrimination behind it. I give up and say "I'll never use your company, and I'll share your approach with other people".

Guess who my dad had his insurance with.

It turns out that when my dad filled out his policy, he had to sign a waiver EXCLUDING A 32 YEAR OLD MALE WHO HASN"T BEEN IN A WRECK IN A DECADE from his policy.


Ahhhhhh, life doesn't get any better than this.

 

Don't think I'm down about this. It is irritating, for sure, but I adopted an outlook on life awhile ago (about a year) that I wasn't going to let stupid crap get to me anymore.

This is venting, in a comediec way, believe me!

Read it again, and imagine a comedian screaming this about his weekend. It is pretty amusing, don't you think?

 

You're right, a lot of it is serious. That said, things tend to work out. Other than a vicious ex-wife keeping my son away from me (and, thanks to lawyers even this is going away) I'm always reminded of this.

I've never had bad news that I couldn't handle easily a year later. Deaths linger, but are still easy. Breakups? Forget about it. Every time I end a relationship these days I remember that I won't give a flip about her a year from now. Always helps me.

Money? It is all relative. A year from now, this will just be an unfortunate...... and a retrospectively hysterical.... incident.

 

You can adopt my philosophy!

For only three easy payments of $19.95, you can order my new motivational materials entitled "Did my Wife just fart?- and other stupid, worthless crap that we needlessly stress over when we shouldn't."

 

Dude, nobody is EVER supposed to honor me. If you've been around enough, you should know this.

I'm the resident idiot.

Thanks, though.

 

Seriously, I don't think of it as admirable. Now, if I could afford to fly, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

What pisses me off the most is that the ex still says I'm a "bad" parent, and that I need "supervision".

The woman is a complete headcase.

 

Mr.Paige: Yeah, it was quick. Took less than an hour to process. Still have to go up for court, though.

I also only do that trip once every other month, so to me, its no biggie.