I'm Sooo happy and soooo sad at the same time.

I feel so torn up inside. I just spent the happiest 5 days of my life in the laet year, and here at the days end, I feel like someone just ripped my heart out of my chest.

Last week, my ex called me and asked me if we were going to exchange my son's visitation days for a one week vacation. I thought it was a great idea, except that she wanted to exchange time equally. This meant that the days I was supposed to get him from 8-8, she would hold on to him. I could get the exact amount of time back, but we wouldn't be able to go out of town, because I still had to return him at the end of the day. I fought tooth and nail for nights, and she insisted that we were exchanging equal time. In the end, she said forget it, and our son won't get to go on any vacation. I thought about it long and hard and realized that his happiness is what mattered above all else, and I was not going to keep him from enjoying himself, even if it was without me. I had my son from 8-8 Thursday and Friday, and on Saturday, she actually let him spend the night with me, the first time in over a year. Sunday night I took him back at 8 and today I had him from 8-8. We enjoyed our time so much together, going to movies, riding the carousel, eating out, playing at the pool, going to the beach, wrestling and playing...and on Saturday night, I took him outside to see the stars and the moon for the first time in over a year with me, and we made a little secret pact. It was so incredibly wonderful!


Now, here I am, feeling like crap because I won't see him for a week, but happy because I know he'll have fun and soooo grateful for the time we spent together.

I really don't know where I'm going with this...maybe I just need to vent. I know I made the right decision for my son's benefit...it just hurts so bad that I won't be able to share in that with him...

 

Thank you all for all your kind words. I went out to see Goldmember to try to calm my nerves. I didn't really start to laugh until about half way through the movie. It really was a pretty rough night, and I didn't really fall asleep until after 2:00, after the ex called that they made it to San Antonio and that my son was all right. I will speak with him tonight. I sure hope he has a blast.

I've already had my court date. I wanted to tell you guys sooner, but I immediately put that horrible experience out of my head. I don't think about that day, because I get so angry that it takes all I have to keep from completely loosing it. Without getting into the details of the hearing (I don't want to think abput it), the judge denied my motion to throw out the divorce and redo it fairly, with BOTH of us involved. The badly written divorce stays as is. My lawyer talked a lot of trash how he would win and then caved in court. I hope you guys don't mind if I don't want to talk about that day.

Every divorced Dad I talk to says that this is a burden I have to bear until my son turns 12, or even as early as 10. Then he can choose who he wants to stay with. He's only two and he's already telling his mom that he wants "to go again with daddy." She immediaitely changes what he says to "You went with daddy", but we both know what he is saying. Then she has the nerve to tell me that it is the dad's job to play with the children and the mom's job to raise them. That's why he always wants to be with me. She doesn't realize that I do everthing I can do in the time I have to make him happy and provide for him. We sing together, practice the alphabet and counting, I take him for haircuts, I take him to the doctor when he's ill, I feed him well, bathe him, take him to church, discipline him when needed, poddy train him, brush his teth. take him shopping, take him to see his grandparents, and everything involved with raising children. It does become very frustrating, but seeing him and hearing him say I love you daddy makes the pain go away for a while.

 

My ex just called and I got to speak to my son. My son has a cold. I really want him to have fun, and I hate that this has happened. I hope he gets better soon.

 

Actually, I've been trying to convince her that we should try to sit down and figure out the best way for our son to see both of us, but she insists that he's not ready to sleep over or spend more time with me for that matter. She says it is too confusing for him. Filing suit was a last resort, and I asked her again if we could sit down and work something out without the lawyers involved, and she said no. I told her that she's leaving me no choice but to file a motion to modify, and that it's going to cost us both another $1000 dollars, and she simply said that I'm just going to lose again. Can you believe that? I'm going to do research and find out how to do all this myself and save myself some money. She also thinks that I am making demands, and that I don't deserve what I am asking for. She's always tried to control my life, and now she is using my son to control me. In the end, I think she is scared that she is going to lose our son, but I would never keep our son from her, but her way of thinking is so askew that she thinks just because she does it that I would do it as well.

On another note, I've been call her all morning to check up on my son but she won't answer...figures.