Yep. I'm sure you'd like this day. I, myself, have been in a semi-casual relationship for the past 6 months. She is a gorgeous, wonderful girl, but she has kept me at arm's length, which wasn't even that noticeable until a few months ago. I've mentioned her previously. Skip to the chase: We had a great week last week, and then we didn't speak on July 4th and 5th. Then I called her on July 6th, and she said she needed to speak to me, anyway. She stated that she didn't see a future with us. After a long talk, I said I needed to let her go. She didn't wan't that, and being the idiot that I can be, I stayed. We didn't see each other on Monday. We had an incredible time on Tuesday, and then on Wednesday, she asked if I could come over for dinner. And I knew I had to let her go. I told her it wasn't working, and tried to be a man through all of the late night calls and texts. It was killing me, because I was falling in love with her. Then on Thursday, she sends me text after text of how she hates this, and how much she wants to be with me, so I concede, and tell her to call me after work. When we actually talk, I don't hear one iota of difference as to what she's looking for. Here I was thinking that she'd had an epiphany of sorts, and she's still saying she's not willing to commit due to my flaws, etc. Then she says she's going out. I tell her to email me. And, during the evening, I'd had enough. I wrote her this message: I wanted to make sure I wrote this completely sober, because I'm going to have some wine tonight. Lots of it. It honestly doesn't matter anymore what you think about my flaws. I've told you pretty much everything about myself. Again, I've been honest to a fault. I felt like an absolute fool talking to you today. Here I was thinking that you had realized that you did, in fact, want to be with me, and that wasn't at all what it was. You simply wanted to know I still cared. At your age, that is completely unacceptable. I've been a fool for you for far too long, and it really does end here. You threw my heart for a loop again today, and that is simply unfair. Please delete me. I received a text from her at about 9:00 asking if I wanted to see her. I told her I didn't, and that I couldn't do this anymore. And then this morning I get this: Honey,As to your "faults" whether or not it matters at this point; in my eyes, there are none!! The reason I talked with you on the phone was NOT to affirm that you "still cared", unacceptable behaviour or not, irrespective of my (or any) age!!! You want honest - O.K. Here's honest..... I'm at a point right now where I think I want to settle down with someone that I want to wake up to every morning (possibly for the rest of my years)...I think you and I mesh extremely well. We have complementary personalities (I.M.O.) However, the following are some things that make me pause - THEY ARE NOT FLAWS!!!, just my honest thoughts.. I'm thinking you are 36 years old, your lifestyle is not too far from "frat boy fun" from distant observation. It almost seems to me that you have so much un-tapped talent, and intelligence, however really don't use it to your advantage. In fact, sometimes I think you would cut off your nose to spite your face, purely for no other reason than to be contrary.. I'm not going to lie to you Jim, I really need to be with someone who is established and focussed, emotionally, intellectually, and financially. There are things you and I have in common, and there are things that we dont... Opposites are all good and well, and "attract" etc, however, if we're not on the same page, it will eventually lead to problems later on. Yes it bothers me that you are slothful. I know that you are not while around here, although it makes me think you are forcing yourself to be something you are not, just because you know it will impact me. (Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate it). However, as you have said, we have been seeing each other for 6 months. In that whole time, I have not felt comfortable spending time at your place... Yes it bothers me that you smoke (alot), and I am not expecting you to change, I know that will never happen. Yes it bothers me that most of your spare time is spent at places like Pub Fiction, or some bar/pub in Mid-Town - like I said, "frat boy lifestyle". Honestly, one of the reasons i have not introduced you to some of my friends is because, i really don't think you would mesh with them. I say this matter of factly, not in a critical way (so please don't mis-interpret my statement).. I care about you, and have developed very deep, significant feelings for you. That, is honest and true. I have enjoyed pretty much 98% of the time I have spent with you (the other 2% you were being a d******d)..Does it pain me to have to let you go? ABSOLUTELY.. 110%... I hate it, and would rather not. Do I care about you, absolutely! see myself with you long term? - possibly! However, I will, as per your request, delete you. It rips at my heart! Not too many men have reached that level... Sleep well Buttercup. Know that I will miss you tonight, and every night from here on.. There are tears as I write this - just so you know.., I read this, and it brought tears to my eyes. I sent her a few messages today saying as much, but with no response, which tells me: a) I was actually correct in the assumption that she was indeed making sure she was wanted. or b) She's extremely upset that I flat out told her to delete me last night. That's it, guys and gals. I'll be fine and dandy. Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas.
the truth is harsh medicine. It hurts like hell to hear, but it cuts out the deep wounds. Knowing how she truly feels is important. It won't make you feel better now, but it will give you some closure in the future. Now would be a good time to compose some music. The greatest works come out of sorrow.
And the part that is pissing me off is had I kept my mouth shut last night, rather than writing what I wrote, we'd be fine. Ah, the hindsight. Regardless, I was irritated at what she thought were "flaws." And, quite frankly, the fact that she wrote soooo many texts to me yesterday asking me to come back, followed by today of silence when I was willing to take her back, give me pause. I know I was an unrepentive dick last night, but as soon as I read her message this morning, my heart melted. Which appears ironic, because she hasn't sent one piece of feedback to that.
I have a few similarities with this. The woman that I eventually married knew 10 years ago that I went out every night to bars and clubs- Sports Resort in Sugar Land (well, close to it), Sherlock's, Sam's Boat, you name it. She tolerated it for a few months. One day, she sat me down and said, "Dan, the drinking and smoking really bother me. Plus, it is going to harm your health long-term. I really, really want to be with you, but I just can't if you keep drinking and smoking the way you do." I thought about it, and realized- are those vices really worth it? I knew I just wouldn't give them up completely, so I asked her if we could compromise and let me cut it from 7 days a week to 3-4. She said cool (I only smoked at clubs, I hate for the house to smell like smoke- but don't get me wrong, I craved my Marlboro 100s). When I started my business, I was so jazzed up to be doing something I really liked that I didn't smoke or drink (no clubs) for 3 months. When I told my friends, they thought I was full of it. But it was the truth. Looking back, she and the business were the best things that happened to me. Do I still go out occasionally? Sure. Now that I'm in Lubbock, it's places like Cheers, Fox and Hound, a minor league hockey or arena football game, and some of the places in the Depot district. It just doesn't do as much for me. The main thing, though, is that the woman was much more important than the vices. But I'll still get a little plastered now and then. I have a son, as well, so you have to be very careful about when and where. So, I would think that you would probably want to (1) see if you can actually reduce the vices and see if she could live with that, or (2) find a woman who smokes and drinks somewhat in the realm of what you do. Believe me, smoking and drinking are deal-breakers. But you have to be true to yourself. At some point, maybe when you're 40 or 45, you'll wake up one day and just decide to cut down drastically or quit. But you may not. As long as you're happy with your life and you'd much rather be true to yourself, that's all that matters. It just sounds like the only things she finds objectionable are those things- and since those are often lifelong habits, and maybe she is really against them, she can't see being with you long-term due to that. So again, it's cut down or find someone who is on the same page with you regarding the habits. For me, cutting down worked. But I have a friend who left a girl over the same thing, and he's completely happy with his decision. He's a frequent smoker and drinker, and I think no less of him because of it. So whatever works for you. Hope for the best.
The odd part is that she likes to drink on occasion, and she'll even have a cig. every now and again. Regardless, I am a chameleon. I always have changed for women I've cared about. I just don't let them know it. You have to accept me for who I am, first.
I was really impressed with her message - it was very well written. Sorry things didn't work out, Jim. From the messages you've posted here, it was pretty clear that she means a lot to you. Don't know what else to tell you, other than to hang in there. You've still got a bbs full of people that love you. Yeah, we hate you, too. But we love you. No homo.
Im right there with you on this one...after my last relationship, I am done changing who I am for someone. You have to live your life the way you want to live it...and have a girl that likes you the way you are. Any changes you or I make to accommodate a relationship will only hurt us in the long run because you can only act like someone else for so long. If, for some reason, you do decide to stop or cut down drinking/smoking, then this girl might be a great fit. But, dont make the change just for her...do it because you want something different for yourself.
Honestly, Jim...... I don't know her, but this eerily reminds me of a past relationship of mine, before my life changed dramatically. If she is willing and able to just let it go, despite the fact that you told her to "delete you," then I would not feel real good about all the "poetry" she wrote you anyway. She's no doubt good with her words, and sharp with all her points, but it sounds like she didn't see a future in this. When she said this to you, you were (albeit hurt) content to move on. But you came back, somewhat after her prompting. Then the cycle started over......not sure she sees a future, flaws, etc. Then you tell her it's done, and she types up the novel to you that again tugs at your heart stings....and you cave...and again are willing to give it another shot. Then she's silent. Seems like games. I could be wrong. But is sure seems like a chess match. Again, you know her, I don't. In any case, never say never, but you are going to be ok, and will do fine without her. Good luck....and there's no substitute for time when it comes to heartache.
That's what I'm saying. If who you are means regular smoking and drinking, then they have to accept it or else. Again, you're talking about things that are perceived as lifelong habits. The key thing is that you mentioned "on occasion" and "every now and again." So she's really not a smoker and drinker, and you are. Translation: no long-term with her. Period. It is nearly impossible for a non-regular smoker/drinker to accept one who is as a long-term partner, and it is also very difficult for a regular smoker/drinker to be a chameleon for the long term. Eventually, the smoker/drinker will continue his/her ways, and the non-regular S/D will never fully accept it. You are where I was. I was very happy where I was, believe me. If it wouldn't have been for my wife, I'd probably be a 6-night-a-week clubber, no doubt. So find someone who is a regular smoker/drinker if you're looking for long-term love, or else don't worry about the long term. BTW, you're not the idiot- and you actually didn't do anything wrong. I'm not talking about the texting back-and-forth- those are just short-term incidents that don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. You didn't do anything personally to hurt her- thus her use of the 98% explanation- so you can at least feel good about yourself knowing that she really does like you. You might feel bad if you were abusive to her or mean or insincere or something like that, but that's not the case at all. So I don't see why you would call yourself an idiot. Far from it- it seems that by being aware of who you are, you're smarter than many who still don't know who they are. The $10 Million Question: Is this girl worth seeing if you can cut back on your vices on a more permanent basis, not just for a few months, but really, really long-term? Or do you feel that she must accept the regular drinker/smoker that you are? Since you've already said you can modify your actions depending on whether you like the girl or not, it may be easier for you to change than her. But you can't resent her, either- that won't work. It has to be "NAME OF GIRL, I'm going to try to change a few of those habit things because I really want to be with you on a more long-term basis. But if I can't, we have to go our separate ways. You have to meet me halfway- you have to live with some of my vices, but I'll find ways to cut down for you."
Can she post here? But seriously, fatty, I really and truly think y'all talk too much about the R-ship. Nobody's repoire could survive that much analysis and that many conversations.
You know what Jim? If she really does care that much, she will respond to your latest message. It may take her a few days, but if she is hurt at the thought of not having you in her life, she'll respond. You have done what you felt you needed to do for you. If you hadn't, at some point you would have started to resent her. You have nothing to regret.
How does she feel about you sharing her personal text to you with thousands of other people? I know that if I ever sucked up my pride enough to write something like to someone I would be upset and feel betrayed if they showed even one other person. I would have thought it was obvious something about what just the two of us shared. I would also never dream of sharing what someone wrote to me if really came from the heart and seemed so personal. Do you feel you've crossed any boundaries doing that and showed respect for her and her feelings by sharing her text? I don't know your relationship with her other than what you've wrote about, so I have no idea whether that would be cool with her, and obviously on at least some level you don't care about doing it, it's just different from any relationship I've ever had. I would never imagine sharing something that personal in a public forum. If I wanted to seek advice I would at least paraphrase, but would probably not even air my dirty laundry in public. That being said, I freely admit that I don't know her, or what you guys relationship was like, so maybe it is completely fine for you to share that. And with that out of the way I know that kind of thing sucks. IT sounds like you really did care for her, and she obviously cared for you. It seems like maybe you are scared of something that might be so right. Maybe the fact that she was able to have a clear view of who you are is also scary, and in some way you probably appreciate her ability to see that in you, and that makes so much harder to lose. Good luck.
