[Humor] Musicians Bible

Wow, this hits a little close to home for me...


And so in the dark of night the Lord summoned Noah, and spoke to him."Noah,
awake and heed my words!"

And Noah, did cry out, "Who goeth there?"

"It is the Lord of All Things." And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me A
Band. For the earth will be visited by a plague, and it will be called club
dates. And it will be preceded by forty days of Bridal Expos and forty
nights of Showcasing."

And Noah did say, "Command me, Lord."

And the Lord did say, "First, thou must find me a Leader."

And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this Leader
play?"

And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or whether
he be proficient or not. For his Job shall primarily be to talk to the
Brides and their Mothers, and to count off Tempos wrong, and to inquire as
to whether Overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that can not be
segued and delay payment to the musicians as long as possible. If he
playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of that
instrument on the
bandstand, just to be safe. The leader shall also remain forever befuddled
by the P.A. system so it may produce horrendous feedback forever onto the
end."

And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are Strange
and Mysterious. What more shall I do?"

And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Drummer. This Drummer must have
imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a Fill --and he shall play
many--, he must always emerge at a different place, sometimes early and
sometimes late, but thou may not guess which. He must also be Supremely
Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break so that he despiseth Jobbing.
Most importantly, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness, in all
things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth always
with the Bass Player."

"And shall the drummer sing?" asked Noah.

"NO!" declared the Lord. "He shall remain silent even if he sings better
than the others. Unless no one else knows "Hot Hot Hot" may he then utter a
word."

And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord."

"Next shall be the Bass Player, but only if the job already has seven
musicians booked before him. And he shall be Bored, for the limitations of
his instrument and the music he must play will decree it."

And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?"

"Next shall be the Keyboardist and he shall play as if he has twenty
fingers, and he shall play Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may
recognize the tonic. He must also play bass with his left hand at all times
and it shall be muddy and indescript."

And Noah asked,"What if there are more than seven and a bassist playeth?"

And the Lord cried out: "Then he of the keyboards must play louder and
busier so that no man shall hear the real bassist."

And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy Wisdom!"

"Next shall be the Guitar Player and he shall be Loudest of all. And he and
only he shall sing 'Old Time Rock n' Roll' and "Johnny B Goode." Also his
instrument will be designed so that he shall not know The Page, and so must
rely upon his Ears, which have been damaged by exposure to High Sound
Pressure Levels."

And Noah did say, "It shall be done."

And the Lord did say, "Next thou shall call upon the Saxophones. And they
shall play Bop licks, often and many, yea, even on the Celine Dion ballads.
And they will not need to understand rhythm, yet will read well therefore
causing dissention between them and the guitarist."

"I understand," said Noah.

"Next shall be the Trumpeters. And of Changes they shall know nothing."

"Shall there be others, my Lord?" asked Noah.

And the Lord said; "There shall be the Trombone Players. On second thought,
they aren't really necessary."

And Noah did say, "Mighty is the Lord!"

Then the Lord commanded; "Finally, find me the Singers. And they shall be
Three, one a Male, and two Females. And the Male shall be filled with pride
and swagger and know of little. "And of the Females, one shall be Black and
one shall be White. And the Black one shall always sing the R&B and the
White one shall always sing the Pop, and Country Songs. And both shall be
Late, and know not of Keys or Form. And they shall leave every gig having
never touched a piece of Equipment. And they shall be paid much more than
the Sidemen. Ask not why."

And Noah did say, "Lord, Thy will be done."

And so it was...

And it's been hell on earth ever since