Found this on another message board... HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair. 11. Shave armpits and legs. 12. Turn off shower. 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs. 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Wash your face 6. Wash your armpits. 7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. 8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. 9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your butt, leaving butt hairs stuck on the soap. 11. Shampoo your hair. 12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pee. 14. Rinse off and get out of shower. 15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. 16. Admire wiener size in mirror again. 17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. 18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. 19. Throw wet towel on bed.
--> Bring clothing you are going to put on into the bathroom. Pile it on the floor next to the wall. Take off clothing you were wearing already. Pile it on the floor. Make a mental note of which is which. In terms of the clothing you aren't going to put back on, you may or may not someday ever take it off the pile and get it washed or put up. --> Avoid looking at self in mirror. You will only be upset. Make the mental note to work out a LOT more so that someday you won't have anything to be scared of. --> Make sure you have a towel and washcloth. Nothing like realizing the person who did the laundry hasn't replaced them yet. --> Wash hair twice (necessary for large volume of hair) and body once, using ordinary shampoo, soap, and washcloth. Do it as fast as possible, but don't skip anything. --> (Here's the hard part, where you need two large towels.) Dry off. Twist hair into a rope, double the rope over, and then twist the whole thing again to squeeze the water out of it. Repeat several times, as there always seems to be more water. Wrap hair in one of the towels to get it out of the way. Try to use a beach towel, which is more flexible and doesn't leave wet hair sticking out of the wrapped end no matter what. Then dry the rest of yourself off. Hurry, you need to get to work. --> Put on clothes, possibly in another room to get away from all the water vapor in the atmosphere. Do everything else you need to do before leaving the house. Hurry. Finally, remove towel from hair and finish drying it as best you can. Put it in a scrunchie. Go off to work with wet ponytail (which, in the worst of cases, you're still trying to dry with a hand towel now and then). Be glad your first task of the day is just to hold down the fort in your office for a while, not to go around interacting with people while you're half-asleep and have wet hair. --> Tell yourself to take the shower before bed next time.
I use a loofah. While somewhat girlish, it generates a very manly lather of soap. If you haven't tried it, you don't know what you are missing. I also remove all stray hairs from the tub and sink on a daily basis. Having a clean place helps get you laid -- not that someone like The_Conquistador needs any help in that department.
that's hilarious. my three favorite truths are: -blowing the nose into hands, and rinsing them off. -making fart sounds. -peeing in the shower.
you can make fun of my wife because thats her from start to finish, she takes about an hour to an hour and a half taking a shower and getting ready for bed in fact, it takes me less time to shower and get ready for bed than it does for my wife to dry her hair
Manly lather? I'm not sure that phrase has ever been put together in a sentance before. In fact, check this out: http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=mozclient&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&q="manly+lather"
Manly lather? Lather was thirty years old today, They took away all of his toys. His mother sent newspaper clippings to him, About his old friends who'd stopped being boys. There was Harwitz E. Green, just turned thirty-three, His leather chair waits at the bank. And Seargent Dow Jones, twenty-seven years old, Commanding his very own tank. But Lather still finds it a nice thing to do, To lie about nude in the sand, Drawing pictures of mountains that look like bumps, And thrashing the air with his hands. But wait, oh Lather's productive you know, He produces the finest of sound, Putting drumsticks on either side of his nose, Snorting the best licks in town, But that's all over... Lather was thirty years old today, And Lather came foam from his tongue. He looked at me eyes wide and plainly said, Is it true that I'm no longer young? And the children call him famous, And the old men call him insane, And sometimes he's so nameless, That he hardly knows which game to play... Which words to say... And I should have told him, "No, you're not old." And I should have let him go on...smiling...babywide. ~Jefferson Airplane
In a somewhat Polish and very poor area of Michigan where I spent some time growing older and preparing myself to write in the passive voice, there was a kid named Dicky Lathers. He tried to get people to call him Richard, but everyone had heard his mom yell "Dicky, time for dinner!" I was so impressed with his name and the implications, that one day Dicky Lathers and his cousin (with the somewhat-less-humorous-name "Mike Best") decided to beat the devil out of me. As I lay face down, watching the blood from my nose turn the snow pink, I sniffle-snickered, "yeah, but you're still Dicky Lathers." Then Dicky Lathers kicked me in the head. The end. P.S. I blow my nose in the shower too. It's the best place to do that. P.S.S. I HATE DICKY LATHERS, THAT WELFARE-FOOD-STAMP-ALCOHOLIC-MOTHER-SCREAMING-OUT-THE-SCREEN-DOOR b****.
