...in raising you? What did they do that was so, so right? And what mistakes did they make in raising you? What would you tell other parents? I'm interested in general rules of the road for the rest of us raising kids. Thanks in advance.
My parents never had any serious talks with me about any of the issues parents are supposed to talk to their kids about...i.e. sex, drugs, etc. . They were always there for me financially and they did raise me with the intention of raising me well. However, they seemed to be fixated on the financial aspect of everything...like that is almost all there is to raising kids. I like to refer to it as financial cruise control. So, I never had any problems money-wise growing up or in college. But, because I didn't have a clue on the topics that would affect me growing up, I had to experience them to learn about them. As a result, I made many bad mistakes that might have otherwise been avoided. My parents were always there when I needed them for doing stuff and the like. But, looking back...I don't see that as being enough. They were always reacting to me experiencing the things they should have talked and warned me about rather than proactively talking about them with me and ensuring I understood them. So, as well-intentioned as they were, these were colossal mistakes IMHO. I don't want to get in to my life story here but let's just say I ended up in bad crowds doing bad things at an early age mostly due to the fact that I was ignorant. Would things have turned out differently had they been more proactive in talking with me? I would hope so. I don't believe I would have been as naive and would have made better decisions. At such a young age, I just didn't know any better. It really did screw me up, too. So, my recommendation for parents is to talk to your kids. Have those important talks early on before it is too late. Know what your kids are up to before they turn to the dark side and become master manipulators. What...don't think it can happen to you as a parent? THINK AGAIN.
Personally, I think my parents did a great job in raising me and my siblings. Trouble is, most of the stuff they did back then would be labelled "child abuse" today. Yes, I got whupped on the butt when I did bad things. There were other forms of punishment as well. For example, if any of us misbehaved in a restaurant, my Dad would make us go outside and sit in the car, and he would send the waiter out to the car with our food! By the way, I am considered the "black sheep" in my family. I'm the only one that only has a bachelor's degree and never went to graduate school!
My parents were fantastic. Just the right amount of discipline and pretty strict, which I hated at the time, but look back on with understanding now. My parents provided for me financially in every manner possible. I look back at my college years and feel I took advantage of their generosity, by spending their money like water, which makes me feel more guilt than anything else in my life. I have tried to repay them back several times over the years, but they never bite. They were actually happy to overspend, just to make sure I received an education... though a simple bachelor's degree also makes me the least educated person in my family (like mentioned before). Even my little sister is about to finish her Master's work and is contemplating a pHD! The only thing missing from my childhood (when compared to television) is hugs and "I love you's"... which was fine with me since I'm the least mushiest, sappiest, warm and fuzzy person on the planet. In my family, such feelings were understood and rarely spoken. Sorta like Red Foreman, I guess.
I used to think about this a lot in the past, and I felt somewhat bitter about things. From reading surf's post, I can tell you that my parents were somewhat similar in that they didn't want to talk to me about certain things like sex. However, as I have gotten older and realize what their childhoods were like (they were both raised in somewhat dysfunctional families - my father in an alcoholic one and my mother in one with a mean son of a b**** stepfather), then I feel that they have done the best possible job they could have ever done and I love them for that.
I didn't eat at a Sonic until I moved to Austin for college. My parents never did and still never eat fast food.
giddy, be as open-minded as humanly possible to the things that they do wrong. talk, talk, and MORE TALK about EVERYTHING!!! communication is vital. who gives a schit if they're embarrased about a particular subject. the more you open up to them in the early stages, the more likely they are to talk to you in times of need in their adolescence. be their authoritarian figure AND they're best friend. it's possible. my parents did everything right... except for communicating. our relationship is strained to this day because of it. i visit once a year (there in houston) and probably call once every two months. sad stuff.
I had never eaten at Taco Bell, Jack-in-the-Box, Sonic, or Whataburger until I left for college. Fast food was strictly forbidden in my childhood.
I think that I have a good relationship with my parents but for awhile after I moved out of Texas, I only saw them once a year at Christmas. Now that my mom is retired and I have a son, I see them a little more.
My Mom did great. She teaches piano so I was raised around music. She never beat me, but she was (and still is) the master of the guilt trip. That can be worse than a good beating... My Dad screwed up big time when I was very young but has since more than made up for it. He's always been in my life. He took me to many a Rocket game (long time season ticket holder), Oiler game and Astro game. He played BBall in college, so I was born and raised a Rocket fan.
Mine did a pretty darn good job. Reading everyone's stories is a real eye-opener; I'm realizing how many members of my generation had parents who didn't give hugs, didn't tell them the facts of life, and just didn't communicate much. I can't imagine that. If anything, my upbringing was almost too good - I didn't identify well with my peers (who were lost and alienated because of bad parenting). Most Generation X'ers had parents who worked too much and were never around, which is supposedly bad (though that's not a huge complaint in the posts so far). Mine were around all the time - the only real mistake they made was being a little overprotective. Everything that happened to me (if they found out about it) was a big deal to them, even if it wasn't one to me. That got annoying. I know they meant well, though. I was a good kid (could hardly have been otherwise; I could have never gotten away with the stuff other kids did), but then they seemed to raise their standards. Like I would get yelled at for coming in 2 minutes past curfew. The weird thing was that I felt that there was a power struggle between us when I was in college. I was still relying on them financially for a good bit of stuff. In 1994, we had this one argument where I managed to react more maturely than they did and managed not to start crying (which I always had before - I'm a chick - but I realized it was looking like a sign of weakness). They've given me so much respect since then and haven't wanted to argue with me at all. Not to mention that I live a long way away, don't depend on them for much, and could just not show up at their house if I wanted to. Like the balance of power has swung my way. I feel guilty about it - I don't like to play games with people - but I guess everybody has to assert their independence when they grow up. We're all adults and can sort of get along as friends, which helps. I try to see them at least three times a year, hopefully four. Friends come and go, but you've only got one family, and nothing can replace that. I live about 13 hours away from them; sometimes I budget a significant amount for plane tickets. They really gave me a lot and did a lot for me; being on my own helps me appreciate all that hard work and sacrifice. They still pay for my cell phone.
One thing my parents did that I will try not to repeat is that when I was very young (a toddler), they would talk about me to friends while I was right there as if I didn't understand what they were saying. One of my earliest memories was of when my parents had friends over and, when they came in, I hid behind my mother's leg. My mother laughed and told them I was very shy. Now, if a kid is shy, are you making the situation any better for him by pointing out to everyone that he is shy? Nowadays, when I see other parents of young children do things like that, I cringe at what the kids might be thinking about the whole thing -- of course, they might be completely oblivious.
My mom had a version of this, too. My older brother was the smart one. My younger brother was the sweet one. I was the good-looking one. Well, now with the hair leaving and the weight arriving, what am I now?!?! It used to grate on me to hear her reduce me to that. The understanding that I took from it was that I wasn't smart or sweet.
I'm satisfied with the job my parents did. Any flaws I have are my own doing. As of late though, my mother has been extremely reluctant to relinquish her last claims to control over me. Understandable I guess seeing as she's a had a kid in her house for over 35 years now (my sisters are 15 years older than me), but still extremely frustrating for a 20-year-old. She also feels guilty about me being introverted for some reason. That I don't get. I'm thankful for her not letting me become obnoxious. My father has been a godsend the last few years and has done everything in his power to ensure that I'm ready for life on my own before he retires. I'm also glad he was alive to provide the threat of discipline. He only hit me once in my entire life, but it was enough to keep me straight... I never outgrew him, so I never really had a chance to test the big guy's limits.
I remember this too. I was a shy kid and I remember my mom talking about me being shy. Now the worst part is that I have a two year old and he is shy around strangers. Often people will say hi to him and he just hides behind me. I find myself saying that he's shy. I mean what else can I say? He's hinding because he doesn't like you? It's not easy being a parent.
