Funny email stuff: some relating to the war and some not

NEW CLASSES FOR GIRLS
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
4. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
5. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.
6. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
7. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
8. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging.
9. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
10. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
11. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
12. PMS: Your Problem, Not His.
13. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
14. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
15. TV Remotes: For Men Only
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...if you happen upon a Peace Rally:
1) Approach person talking about peace and saying
there should be "no retaliation"
2) Have a brief conversation w/ them and ask if
military force is appropriate.
3) When he says, "No." ask him, "Why not?"
4) When he says something like, "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful, and we should not cause more violence."
5) Punch him in the face . . . hard.
6) When he gets up to punch you, point out to him
that it would be a mistake (and contrary to his values) to punch you because he would be causing more violence.
7) When he agrees with you that he has pledged not to commit violence, punch him in the face again . . .only harder this time.
8) Repeat steps 2 through 7 until he understands
that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.
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FAST FOOD
Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law."
The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."
----
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips
over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."
- Matt Groening
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What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide?
A fart.
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Send the women to Afghanistan:
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us
for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks,
moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff
like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even
armed men in turbans tremble.
We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and
their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.
We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a
pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan
with no food at all!
We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware
stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no
problem. We know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh,
please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended
families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we
crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going
to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!
----
The President has asked that we unite for a common
cause.

Since the hard line Islamic people can not stand
nudity,
and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not
their wife.
Tonight at 7:00, all women should run out of their
house naked to
help weed out the terrorists.

The United States appreciates your efforts, and
applauds you.

God bless America.