I have a friend of almost 20 years who has been telling me of marital woes for the last couple of years. He's only been married about 5 years. He painted this picture of his wife as being a real problem to deal with. They live about 45 minutes away; I've met her a few times and she seemed like a nice person. He however tells a different tale. There was a big blowup (including fisticuffs with her brother) and my friend spent Monday and Tuesday night with us and then headed off to see his parents for a couple of days. His mom just got out of triple bypass surgery. On Wednesay, his wife called me. She suspected that he might be staying here. I confirmed that he had and we talked for almost two hours. She told me some very surprising things and did not come across in any way that he had portrayed her. I'm sure the truth is somewhere in the middle, but I am more inclined to believe her version of the recent precipitating events that led to his departure to be more likely accurate. Surely both are to blame, but I feel like my friend is not being honest with himself or me. I'm also "convinced" that he has some anger management issues that he's not facing up to. On the one hand, I wish I had never talked with his wife. On the other hand, that would probably have been a great dis-service to her and to the truth of the situation. Anybody even been in a situation such as this? Any recommendations as to how to move things along costructively? There is a 4 YO child in the middle. She wants to stay married; I don't think he does but I don't think I'm buying his reasons why.
you gotta do all you can to save the relationship...help your friend out - get him to face the truth and himself and all the reasons. it's your duty as a good friend to try and help him so that he can be happy in the longterm. my parents divorced after 22 years cuz of sort of the same thing - and my dad never faced it and now regrets the divorce but will never face his mistakes and ignorance.
Regardless of what you do, just remember that you take a great risk by "getting in the middle, trying to help out." It is very possible that you will lose your old friend, even if all you have is the best intentions, and even if your take on what's happening is correct. He will see you as taking sides and possibly betraying your friendship. It may not be logical and it may not make sense, but you are putting yourself in the midst of your friend's marriage. Think of how you might react to someone giving unsolicited advice to you about how to raise your kids, implying that you are doing something wrong, and only knowing a little of what goes on in your family. Just my take. I tried to "help out" 2 close friends during some marital problems, with all the goodwill in the world. They ended up getting divorced, and I never had the same relationship with either one again. And it wasn't that my "advice and help" wasn't on target. When emotions get involved, logic goes out the window. And the subconcious will look for blame elsewhere. The "innocent friend in the middle" can become just another reason things went sour... that can be the perception, anyway... fair or not. Your instincts told you that you may have made an error talking to his wife about the situation. I don't think they were leading you astray. Just my 2 cents.
Dude, Stay out of the middle, since you do not know all the facts, you should be a good friend and just listen. If you want to get involved, tell your friend that you talked to his wife, and just listened. Maybe he will open up a bit, but IMHO, you should stay out of it. DD
I'd have to agree with Deckard here. I'd listen to problems, but wouldn't offer my own advice at this point. However, the problem is now that you feel differently about your friend, and that's something that probably can't be undone without talking to him about it. Not a great situation to be in. Good luck.
The middle is a risky place. I'm trying to just be a listener at this point and I'm glad I did because it radically changed my perspective on the situation. When she called my impulse was to get off the phone quickly, but she was sobbing so it was not in me just to ditch her. Remember, I'm a compassionate conservative... I worried at first that she might just be lying to me, but she's told me stuff that removed that doubt. She and I are agreed that "our" conversations are private and that he should not know about them. That may or may not fly, but she wants the marriage to work. Man, he would go off the deep end if he knew the things that she told me. But I'm glad I heard it all (and I don't think it was a mistake) because I was unilaterally siding with him and was disparaging of her... and that was wrong and inaccurate. I was divorced back in 1991 so I am familiar with friends taking sides. It sucks.
The best thing to do is just be someone who listens without prejudice and offers advice only when asked to do so. Otherwise, you don't want to be perceived as being on one side or the other. I agree, the middle is the worst place to be.
Listen and be supportive unless violence is involved. If someone's health is in danger (does anger management mean he hit her?) maybe it's worth being in the middle
I really can't speak to this since I have never been married, but if I were in your shoes Giddy, I would definitely stay out of the middle, be supportive to both people, and recommend therapy. If your friends want to save their marriage, they are going to have to work at it, and marriage counseling would be the proper first step in that long process.
At least some shoving was involved. He claims she hit him on several occasions. I have seen a lowering of his temper threshold over the last couple of years; I attributed it to pressure of work and a baby et al. He tells me that she is manic-depressive. I think that is true. The most telling factor for me has been the wife's detailed re-telling of a conversation that she had with my friend's ex-wife. She was "afraid" of my friend to a degree. Although the ex-wife claims the my friend never hit her, she related to the current wife that he could "get a look in his eye" which frightened her. I think I've seen a mild version of that look as of late. I knew my friend and his ex- for about a dozen or more years and I never would have suspected such a thing. If he does have an anger problem, he has managed it pretty well until the last few years, but the stresses of his current life are perhaps getting the best of him.
I would stop talking to her from now on and try your best to explain to your bud what was talked about when she called you before she ends up telling him first.
You're gonna hafta tell him you spoke with his wife. Otherwise, every time the subject of his marriage comes up, it'll be WAY too awkward. So just get it out in the open and go from there.
The only advice you should give them is to see a marriage counselor for the good of their child. Then, just get out of the middle. DD
Not bad advice, DD. Then they can take their anger out on the therapist instead of the good friend who's trying to help. (I don't envy you, giddy. the couple i mentioned were very close friends I had known since high school. we did everything together. i can easily see how hard it is to stay out of things... i couldn't, in this case, and it cost me a great deal. that's why i urge caution. and the ex-wife... man, there could be issues there that you have no knowledge of.... an agenda fueled with bitterness she's still working through that could color what she tells you. and on and on. it's almost impossible to stay uninvolved and almost impossible not to be hurt from being in the middle. good luck)
I don't really want to be involved as much as I am. I certainly am not inserting myself into the situation, but what do you do when a friend calls in need or distress? You respond. When my friend came to stay with us for a couple of nights, I asked him, "What do you want me to do or say if _______ calls?" He said that he didn't want to talk to her but that I didn't need to lie to her either. They live about 45 minutes from us, so it's not like someone's going to just jump in the car and be over here. They have been to counseling on a couple of diffeent occasions. Evidently it has not helped. I think they have been living in parallel universes.... that just collided.