For the Divorced Posters...

Sorry to hear that man...good luck.

 

i worked with a guy who did family law for a while...i might be able to answer some of your legal questions.

more importantly, you guys are in my prayers. so sorry you're going through this.

 

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Both of you read it. This saved my marriage and believe me we were in bad shape. Very close to divorce. We are very very happily married now.

I dont know how long you have been married but I think that there is a natural progression in a marriage. For us, it was at about year 4 that everything went to crap. It took a lot of hard work and determination. You have to be willing to change, forgive, and forget easily. Even when you dont want to. You have to change the way you are and she has to change the way she is. We recommitted to each other even though we were in the worst possible point in our marriage. We were too hard headed to give up. Unless there is some sort of abuse I think that almost all marriages are fixable. Even though you may not want to try, I suggest try again.

If you want to talk, email me at treymcglaun@gmail.com. I would be glad to talk with you and I'm sure my wife would be glad to talk to your wife if she wanted that.

I hope everything works out.

 

I am praying for your family. Let me know if I can help with anything.

 

I hate to say this, but you HAVE TO HAVE TO be mean. Most, if not all, women are EXTREMELY bitter when it comes to divorcing. I've seen too many of them.

I tried to save my marriage for my son's sake, and my ex took incredible advantage of it. I'm still paying for some of things in the divorce I "agreed" to.

 

My parents divorced. I was about 12. I dunno what to tell you. But the kids will always be hoping you get back together for at least two years. I would suggest not bringing your dates home for that period. The kids will do what they can to disrupt that relationship.

One thing I can tell you. Boys tend to become intraverted and girls tend to rebel (become wild). So be prepared for those possibilites and try to intercept them.

The kids will want you to visit every day. Agree. But then slowly ween them off the visits.

After two years, you could probably start intorducing them to your new life and girlfirends. The boys usually like your new partner after a short time. The girls may always hold a grudge against your new girlfriend or wife. But will put up with them.

That's all from firsthand experiience as a kid. It won't be easy. I can tell you that. But I suspect the sense of freedom that you both get from the arguing will make your life better.

In the end, you'll be amazed out how independent your kids become. In general, I think divorced kids strike out on their own and are confident doing so.

 

I have to disagree. No matter what a ***** you might think she is, you have got to get along for your kids sake. If you want your kids to get through this with as little trauma as possible, try your best not to be bitter.

She's going to get the house, the car, and a big chunk of your paycheck whether you fight it or not.

By the way, I was married 10 years and have 2 kids. I've been divorced about 1 year now, and I'm finally starting to get over being p1ssed all the time.

Dude, from the bottom of my heart, you have my sympathy. I wish you all the best.

 

OK, I'm glad that you were the exception. However, Myself, and (I can't even count) around 10ish of my friends have been divorced. Every one of them was a knock down, drag out fight. The women were always asking for WWAAAAYYYY more than they were entitled to.

Hell, I've lived in Texas my entire life, and yet I'm divorced in Tennessee. How messed up is that. I could go on, but then I would get mad again.

 

holy crap...great freaking book! could not agree more....pick this up and commit to it.

my wife started reading it...and asked me to read it. incredible. the concept is that we all express love in different ways...but we see it in different ways as well. we generally tend to give it in the same way we best receive it.

example: i'm all about words and affirmation...i "get" love that way. my wife however, tends to get love in service...in someone doing the dishes for her so she doesn't have to...in someone saving her time...something like that. our first year of marriage, i missed that entirely....now i get it...and i realize how easy it is to express love to her that way...once i picked up on that, it made life better for both of us.

i've seen this book in church libraries and on shelves in secular stores...i'm not a big self-help book guy at all...not at all!!! but this one is remarkable.

let me also say this...when you "give up" on fighting for stupid crap...which you'll pay your attorneys for in HUGE sums...it will shock her. when you commit to, for better or for worse, not fighting with the mother of your children...she will see that, and it might, at the last moment, save the relationship. i've seen that happen TWICE. seriously. you can make more money....you can't take money with you when you die. you will always find another place to live. but you can't replace a marriage...you can't cover up regret. if you love your wife, fight like hell to keep your marriage...even if that means giving up the other fights and eating crap sometimes. we're taught that marriage is supposed to be 50/50...but somedays it's 90/10...and other times it's 10/90...the marriages that last are those where both realize that sometimes they're the ones shouldering the burdens.

 

In my opinion, whoever gets the kids, should be the one with all the stuff. The kids will need that stability. It may not be fair, but in the end, you may be happier that way. I must admit my parents were civil. And I think that made it easy for me. They got divorced because dad was always playing ball on the road. Which in turn led to arguments. Which led to the breakup. But everyone survived.

 

Damn.....I thought my wife was the only attorney with a heart

That's pretty good stuff, Max.

 

Ugh, not fun stuff...

My ex sued me last year for 15,000. (settled for half) due to things that were written into the divorce agreement. (things I didn't even notice. The thing is over 20 pags long. Stuff about her medical bills from the marriage. (she had an abcess in her kidney during our marriage. the divorce said I should pay for it.)

BTW, I never signed the divorce. I knew when it was, pleaded with the ex not to go through with it. She lied miserably about it. She did the divorce in-abscentia. She re-married another guy the same day.

The new guy has been called "daddy" by my son ever since then.

Don't want to delve in a whole lot, but I was goaded into a fight with my ex, who took full advantage of it. Even though things are finally starting to get better, the two of them will STILL use anything and everything to make my life a living hell, if they can.

Used to drive me batty. Now I've learned how to handle it, for the most part.

That said, "Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned" rings true to me.

 

Just FYI, she sued me last year. We've been divorced for four years now.

I wasn't there because she kept lying about it. First she's getting the divorce, then she's not. etc. A true psycho, and I let my emotions make me incredibly naive during the process.

 

Fatty Fat, it is probably not cool to think like this, but maybe your son will realize how much of a douche your ex is when he grows up to learn that she divorce (in-abscentia) and remarried the same day - way to put that effort into the relationship for his part.