First Matrix Reloaded Review

Oski2005 · May 1, 2003

I don't know who this guy is, but he saw the movie and he has a funny a$$ way of talking about it. WARNING!!!! I haven't read all of this because it looks like he starts giving some spoilers. Read at your own risk people.

MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING
Jim-Jammity Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ on a tw*t-rocket, this movie blew me apart and put me back together only after I’d got put back I felt like I had thirteen di**s and they’d all gotten blown by a surfer chick with 26 heads (2 mouths on each c**k). I will see it ten times and if I see Star Wars George or that gay Batman director butt-hole any time during the ten screenings here comes Mr. Punch.

This is the sequel to the MATRIX Movie that came out four years ago and after seeing it I can say I could have waited another four years it is that ****ing good. This movie is a pillowcase with soda cans inside that beats the living mule-**** out of you but you’re all like, “Bring it on honky tonk” because the beating feels like summer and Halloween and Cheetos at the same time. This movie is Mad Max’s shotgun-gun from ROAD WARRIOR, only it shoots ass-kicking only at jocks. This movie is t!ts!

WARNING: THIS PARAGRAPH IS ABOUT THE PLOT AND IT’S BORING AND THERE’S NO ASS-KICKING IN IT BUT I USE THE WORD “****” THREE TIMES TO HELP GET THROUGH IT
I still don’t get the plot of the first one, and this one’s all talking about “choices” (over and over again to where you think you’re watching that ****ing Chicktime network) and “prophecies” and especially words like “anomaly” and “exile” (and who the **** even knows what those words mean?) and there’s this long speech at the end that I also didn’t get. Also, you find out all this deep stuff, like about The Cookie Lady from the first movie and they introduce all these other characters like a Key Guy and a Frenchie Dude and another Frenchie but guess what it’s okay ‘cuz the other Frenchie’s a chick and she’s got cleavage you could hide a rump roast in and also this ex-girlfriend of Murphus and there’s this new guy on the ship flying it around, I think he’s from OZ (don’t worry, no butt rape). And Neo and Memento Babe are all PDA every second, and they also “do it” and one time I thought I saw Memento Babe’s nip but it was one of those metal ring things that everyone’s got on ‘em so no jacking off when the DVD comes out.

NOW ALL ASS-KICKING UNTIL THE END
So that’s the plot but here’s the thing: you could wear headphones and listen to Dio during this whole movie and you wouldn’t miss anything, there’s so much ass-kicking going on. That Smith Dude is back, only now he can make more Smith Dudes and do they each know how to kick ass? Like a Heroclix collector knows how to not get p***y. Plus he’s got this other ability that’s really ****ing scary and I think it might have something to do with the next movie.

ASS-KICKING #1: Neo fights those Blues Brothers-looking dudes and it’s pretty ****ing cool. But it’s just a teaser, like when they have pictures of the food at Jack in the Box, and the tacos look all good in the picture, but then you get some and they look like they got pooped out of a pig. But you eat ‘em because there’s fries coming. In this movie there’s ALWAYS fries coming. 6.

HEADS UP: There’s a lot of boring stuff between Ass-Kicking 1 and 2. There’s a sermon by the dude who was in OMEGA MAN, and this underground dance thing that looks like if Pottery Barn had a rave on the Planet of the Gay Apes – but the rave thing is where Neo and Memento Babe “do it”. I am bringing my headphones when I see this again on the 15th.

ASS-KICKING #2: Neo and a Kung Fu Phooey go at it in a picnic restaurant. They kick over a big thing of chopsticks, which is kind of cool, and Kung Fu Phooey wears these cool little sunglasses, but that’s it. 5. And then Neo and Cookie Lady talk. Then chiggity-check your rectum ‘cuz here comes:

ASS-KICKING #2: This fight on a playground where like a hundred Smith Dudes are whomping on Neo like a fat girl eating Fiddle Faddle – it’s that intense. Holy ****. The thing goes on for like five minutes and just when you’re thinking, “**** you Star Wars George” it goes on for another five minutes and then Neo flies away like that Greatest American Hero dude. 10.

ASS-KICKING #3: Neo, Murphus and Memento Babe go to a French restaurant in the Matrix and there’s this French dick and you’re thinking, “**** you for not supporting us against Egypt”, and then Neo goes whomp-ass happy on the dude’s cohorts while Murphus and Trinity free this Key Dude and fight these Edgar Winter guys with dreadlocks who can turn into ghosts. 8.

HERE’S WHERE I WISH THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ONLY HAD THE WORDS “HOLY” “****ING” AND “****”
ASS-KICKING #4 – 28: That’s right, this next scene feels like 24 ass-kickings. Seriously, the rest of the summer is going to suck busboy **** for ketchup packets compared to this scene.

HOLY
Murphus and Memento Babe have to escape on a huge freeway (which is a no-no in the Matrix; “It’s suicide!” says Memento Babe, or something like that I can’t remember for sure) while the Ghost Guys chase them, plus the Smiths, who keep taking over the drivers on the freeway and they’re shooting and everything’s blowing up for miles and

****ING
Memento Babe has to go against the traffic on a ****ing motorcycle and they keep trying to smash her and Murphus takes out the Ghost Guys in this totally cool way and the ****ing samurai sword and the head-on crash and

!!!****!!!
the ****ing Blues Brothers guys and razors and swordfight on top of a truck and Memento Babe flying through the air and out of nowhere Neo and I am out!!of!!c*m!! 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10

And there’s a whole other ass-kicking after this, which I can barely remember because, seriously, that ****ing chase scene. It’s now #2 on my list of all-time chases, ahead of ARK RAIDERS, where Blade Runner gets dragged behind the Nazi truck (#5), and then DYING IN LOS ANGELES, where CSI is driving the car against the traffic (#4) and then TAXI RONIN, where Taxi Driver guy goes the wrong way down that French tunnel, and also because they keep running over French people (#3), and now MATRIX, right behind BANDIT AND THE FAT GAY GUY 2, where all the police cars and all the trucks play chicken out in the desert (#1).

Neo needs to fight Blade and that fat bald guy from STIR CRAZY.

Then Murphus and Neo and Memento Babe try to raid some sort of central something, like the CPU in TRON, something like that. Smith Dude re-appears, Neo has a talk with a new character, someone dies and someone’s reborn. Then something gets destroyed (good), something else gets destroyed (bad), and Neo discovers a new power. Then something BIG gets destroyed (really really bad), and someone lives who shouldn’t.

MY HINT: Stay through the credits and you get to see a trailer for MATRIX: YOU WILL ****, the third movie.

That’s it. Best movie of the year. I still want to see HULK-MAN and the werewolf thing and I think there’s something where you get to see a hot Asian’s boobs, but they’re not going to get close to this one. Here’s my blurb if they’re putting blurbs in ads:

“MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING is like if all of Anthrax’s albums formed into a hot chick who had to **** you ten times a day or she gets pee-cancer.”
Neill Cumpston
Click to expand...

http://aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=15110

Ankich · May 1, 2003

This review is a joke. No, literally. It's a joke.

Oski2005 · May 1, 2003

Didn't I say it was funny. . .

moestavern19 · May 1, 2003

Dude, why did you just post a review that looks more like a script for the matrix 2 written by a crackhead at 2 AM on a bathroom stall with his own fecal matter.

Oski2005 · May 1, 2003

Because Aint it Cool News is a pretty damn good site and that's where I found it on. It was under the title of:

Thursday, May 1, 2003

NEILL CUMPSTON IS THE FIRST PERSON ON THE PLANET TO REVIEW MATRIX RELOADED!! HOLD ONTO YOUR SACK!!
Click to expand...

arkoe · May 1, 2003

I get the impression there's a lot of ass kicking in this next movie.

DallasThomas · May 1, 2003

Originally posted by moestavern19
Dude, why did you just post a review that looks more like a script for the matrix 2 written by a crackhead at 2 AM on a bathroom stall with his own fecal matter.
Click to expand...

Nah, it's definitely written in burned Brillo. Maybe Chore Boy.

AstroRocket · May 1, 2003

Greatest review ever. Ebert's in some deep **** now. This guy's gunning for his job.

Rockets2K · May 1, 2003

I appreciate the spirit that this was written in,
and I thought I cussed alot...

but DAMN!

this guy has terminal potty-mouth..

that being said, just from seeing the trailer for this movie, you just know there is gonna be tons of ass-kickin...

I am dying waiting for the 15th...this movie is going to kick ass 9 ways to Sunday..

moestavern19 · May 1, 2003

Dude is seriously like a perverted LHutz.

Funny **** though

VesceySux · May 1, 2003

Poster child for Reagan's "Just Say No!" campaign.

"This is your brain.... This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?"

I highly doubt this tool has even seen the movie. From the various responses in the Talkback, it seems there's been exactly ZERO advanced screenings of Matrix: Reloaded to date. Every plot point this jabroni talks about is either shown in the trailer or is common knowledge. Seeing as Harry knows this dude, this looks like an AICN publicity stunt to me.

Man, Harry's site has really gone to the sh*tter lately...

HakeemdaDream · May 1, 2003

That is how all reviews should read , that was hilarious.....i am serious

Oski2005 · May 1, 2003

This is what my X2 review will sound like when I get back tonight.

Chance · May 1, 2003

Originally posted by Oski2005
This is what my X2 review will sound like when I get back tonight.
Click to expand...

You are really going tonight? Lucky beeeotch. I'll be at the 10:00 a.m. Marq-e tomorrow with my truant child,

Oski2005 · May 1, 2003

Originally posted by Chance
You are really going tonight? Lucky beeeotch. I'll be at the 10:00 a.m. Marq-e tomorrow with my truant child,
Click to expand...

12:02 am. Little less than 3 hours from now. I'm X-cited.

Rocketman95 · May 1, 2003

Originally posted by Oski2005
12:02 am. Little less than 3 hours from now. I'm X-cited.
Click to expand...

Muh.

It just hit me. I'm so terribly excited about Matrix Reloaded...and the soundtrack. Mmm...techno Dave Matthews Band.

Oski2005 · May 1, 2003

Originally posted by Rocketman95
Muh.

It just hit me. I'm so terribly excited about Matrix Reloaded...and the soundtrack. Mmm...techno Dave Matthews Band.
Click to expand...

DMB have a song on the soundtrack?

Rocketman95 · May 1, 2003

Originally posted by Oski2005
DMB have a song on the soundtrack?
Click to expand...

Yup. When the World Ends (which was supposed to be a single off of Everyday, but 9/11 changed that), remixed by Paul Oakenfold, is apparently the final song like Rage Against the Machine's Wake Up was in the first one.

I'm pumped.

Oski2005 · May 1, 2003

Well, I just found out it will be crowded super early, so I'm leaving X-tremely early (haha, this will never get old). I have no clue what we are gonna do in the theatre for nearly 2 hours.

Little less than 25 minutes before I leave. SNIKT tock, SNIKT tock. . .

Rocketman95 · May 1, 2003

Major and I went to see Titanic on opening night with my ex (shanna...hahaha) and one of her friends. We got there like two hours early and we ended up making up some random game while we sat there in line. While the game was stupid (so stupid, I have no idea what it was), the best part was that after that, Major, my ex, and I all swore it never happened whenever the friend brought up "the game we made up while waiting in line for Titanic". That was funny.

Why am I sharing?

Forums

First Matrix Reloaded Review

Oski2005 Member

Ankich Member

Oski2005 Member

moestavern19 Member

Oski2005 Member

arkoe (ง'̀-'́)ง

DallasThomas Member

AstroRocket Member

Rockets2K Clutch Crew

moestavern19 Member

VesceySux World Champion Lurker
Supporting Member

HakeemdaDream Member

Oski2005 Member

Chance Member

Oski2005 Member

Rocketman95 Hangout Boy

Oski2005 Member

Rocketman95 Hangout Boy

Oski2005 Member

Rocketman95 Hangout Boy

Share This Page

About ClutchFans

Rockets Content

Support ClutchFans!

First Matrix Reloaded Review

Oski2005 Member

Ankich Member

Oski2005 Member

moestavern19 Member

Oski2005 Member

arkoe (ง'̀-'́)ง

DallasThomas Member

AstroRocket Member

Rockets2K Clutch Crew

moestavern19 Member

VesceySux World Champion Lurker Supporting Member

HakeemdaDream Member

Oski2005 Member

Chance Member

Oski2005 Member

Rocketman95 Hangout Boy

Oski2005 Member

Rocketman95 Hangout Boy

Oski2005 Member

Rocketman95 Hangout Boy

Share This Page

VesceySux World Champion Lurker
Supporting Member