my first story... i was at work one afternoon and it's a three-story building that we have to enter and leave through the second floor. it was friday and i was unusually happy because i had plans to actually do something on the weekend other than watch the good 80s movies that come on tbs, tnt, and usa. anyway, on my way out the office i was walking down the 1st flight of stairs to the second floor to leave when i noticed that i had to fart.... so i did. it lasted a good two seconds. then as i turned to corner to go down the 2nd flight of stairs this blond woman comes walking up the stairs. startled, i quickly said hello... but she didn't say anything back and proceeded to give me this "you gross b*stard" look. when she passes i purposely make several farting noises with my mouth to make it seem like i really didn't fart the first time. the noises that i made sounded convincing, but i don't think that she bought it. oh well. turns out that she was in the wrong building, so i won't have to see her again anyway. another story... i had a really, really bad roommate in my second year of college. his mom was a student there also, so she would visit for a hour EVERYDAY. ARGHHHH!!! man, i hated him. when i would go back to my room from class, either his mom was there or he would hurry and sprint from my side of the room to his (our sides were separated by half of a wall). one day, i got out of class early and went straight to my dorm room. when i opened the door, he peeked his head around the corner from my side of the room... fidgetting around and doing "something". when he gets back to his side and when i get to my side i notice a dirty sock (insert clutchbbs member joke here) on the floor, which he came to pick up while i was still standing there. then i got to thinking... fidgetting... peeking around the corner... dirty sock... THAT MO FO WAS ROUGHING UP HIS SUSPECT ON MY SIDE OF THE ROOM!!!! ... and had the nerve to leave the sock there for me to see?!? soooo... when he went to one of his classes, he went to his side of the room, picked up his pillow off of the bed, put my bare buttocks on it, and farted a few times into it. my cousin did it to me once when i pissed him off, so i knew that it was a highly effective tactic. when you lay your head on the pillow, the stench flows out and into your nostrils from when the fart saturated into it and smells like... well... you know. i hope that he got my point. karma's been a muth' though. sigh what's your fart story?
My buddy in college once farted in his car and the next day, his girlfriend went out to get something she left in it. She came back up and seriously thought there was a dead animal in the trunk! We all died laughing and she had no idea why. To this day, his nickname is Frappy. Even his kids call him that! My other buddy from college lit his fart one night and his pants caught on fire, but I guess that's happened to all of us at one time....
Okay, I'll bite.... The scenario: 8th grade. Math class. Last period. Man I had to fart. I mean really bad. I'm sitting there not paying attention to the teacher 'cause I had to fart so bad I could hardly stand it. Not that I'd have been paying attention anyway, but I digress. I'd fight it off, and it'd come back stronger. Kind of like Obi-Wan when Vader struck him down. "If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine!" Obi-Wan wasn't kidding and neither was my gas. So I finally figure I've got to get into "that" position. You now the one. Everybody has "that" position they get into when they're trying to sneak one out without getting caught. So I slide down in my desk....one of those typical junior high desks with the fake wood table attached to the plastic chair. I figure to let it out a bit at a time, just to see how much racket it might make. I tell you, that "create a fart" website had nothing on me that day. There was no "letting it out a bit at a time." It was a good 3-4 seconds and it reverberated off that plastic seat something fierce. Cripes was that thing loud. And impressive (hey, I was in 8th grade, what do you expect?). So, it being an 8th grade math class and all, everybody starts howling with laughter. It was a fart of such magnitude that even the girls were cracking up. The teacher tried to be mad, but she was obviously so impressed that she lost it and started laughing. Literally everyone in that class had tears rolling down their faces they were laughing so hard. Once everyone regained their composure (which took several minutes), the teacher sent me out into the hall for the rest of the period, which is where I spent most of my time anyway. Damn that thing was loud.
Well, if you liked this one, I am sure you will enjoy these: Adjusting your set Batting Practice Being your own best friend Changing your oil Choking your chicken Cooking some sheet meat Dishonorable discharge Doing some rapid one-arm pull-ups Emptying the payload Fathering some pleasure Firing your squirt gun Fist-kebabing Freeing your willies Getting your palm red Going back to nature Gunning the motor Hitting the batsman Homecoming Honing the bone Ironing the wrinkles Junior olympic pole vaulting Knuckling your knob Launching the hand shuttle Lectrifying the cattle prod Letting some air out of your tire Manning the cockpit Mashing the monster Massaging your colon Measuring for condoms Milking your banana Peeling the carrot Playing hand hockey Playing the pipe organ Pud Wrestling Roasting your weiner Rolling your jam joint Roughing up the suspect Self-whitting Sending out the troops Shaking the thermometer Shining your helmet Shifting gears Shooting some seeds Snake charming Soloing Spanking your monkey (classical) Spear fishing Speed kneading Spreading the mayo Squeezing out the toothpaste Staff meeting Strangling your bishop Taking a shake break Taming your snake Threading the needle Throttle the bottle Tossing the javelin Tugging the tapioca tube Tuning the antenna Virtual sex Visting Mr. O Walking the log Wedding rehearsal Whitewater wristing From: http://www.beavis-and-butthead.ru/monkeyspank_techniques.html
Hilarious, Lynus! Funny thing is, I'll bet that teacher was laughing right along with everyone else. My sister is a 1st grade teacher and she says her kids fart all the time. She has to do everything to keep from laughing out loud every time, all the while scolding her kids for laughing.
Lynus, are you trying to say that you have to be in middle school to laugh at farts? One of my friends had a whole section of Evans Library laughing at him last semester right before finals. The only difference was he wasn't trying to sneak it out.
Well of course that's not what I'm saying. Farts are funny, regardless of how old you are. It was just extra funny because it happened in 8th grade. Still though, I was mortified. I'd just cut one of the loudest farst in history in front of a whole bunch of chicks I wanted to see naked. I was relieved it was so...uh...well received.
Damn Lynus, the same exact thing happened to me. I was in seventh grade. For a couple of months I was just on a fart marathon. I don't know why, but during one of the middle periods of the day I would just fart every freakin day. Maybe it was the coke I was drinking during lunch And my **** smelled worse then anything Sadam Hussien would have in his chemical weapons program. Well one day, I was farting left and right. My stupid teacher was tired of letting me go to the restroom everyday. I dare not ask him again. I kept on moving around in the chair trying to make it go away. It was if a baby was trying to get out of my ass. Sweating all over like crazy. I decided to go ask the teacher to go to the bathroom. Problem was that getting up would be difficult as hell. I decide to get up carefully and ask the teacher. By the time I got to the teachers desk the urge to fart had gone away. One of those things. So I just asked him a math question and started going back to my chair. There was this one kid in my class, Ryan. I was a little brown kid and he always picked on me. Well anyways, halfway back to my chair the urge came right back. AND I AM TALKING BIG TIME! So as I was passing his chair I decide to screw it and let it ride. It was the most pleasureable experience of my life uptill then. I felt like I had just lost about 10 lbs. The whole class was stunned at first. As they were all looking in my direction I just yelled "EUUUUUUUU Ryan". I was like inches from his chair. The look on Ryan's face was priceless. At first he was shocked and while everyone is laughing their ass off the starts screaming "It wasn't me, it wasn't me". I dont think anyone believed him. Everyone thought it was him and kept on laughing. The teacher was freakin laughing like a crazy mother himself!
I have been fortunate enough to never have an experiance with people hearing my farts, but I have a great Story I had a friend named Rusty that was pretty crass. . . .for the lack of a better word. He was the type of guy that would crack one off if we were talking to a bunch of girls and he didnt like them. One day in English class we are all sitting around, when this new girl named Donna comes into the class. She was new so everyone was being nice to her. Rusty, who is sitting next to her says, Hey Donna. He lifts up his leg, followed by the loudest and one of the longest farts I have ever heard, Hows it goin. SHe just stared at him with blank expression. And he says, "Good". Everyone was on the floor after that.
Back in second grade, I was resting my head on my arms and somehow accidentally let out the loudest artificial fart ever. Problem was, everyone else thought it was real. I frantically explained what really happened, but it sounded too much like a desperate coverup for anyone to believe me. The hot teacher even gave me some consoling talk of natural bodily functions. How embarassing.
